"I am denying my ex-wife her last wish..."
So, I (45M) had a previous relationship with Lucifer (Names made up for privacy. 43F). We were married for 5 years and dated for 7. From this, we had 3 kids (Again, names made up for privacy) Dean (21M), Kylie (19F) and Jax (17M).
Context: A few months before I filed for divorce, I noticed Lucifer becoming increasingly controlling and paranoid. Like, if I went out, she needed to know where I was going. Example, I went to my Nan’s flat to help her (along with my uncle) get some new, heavy furniture inside the flat.
Despite the fact that I had told her earlier where I was going, she demanded to know where I was going. I researched why these types of things might happen and found out it might be a sign of cheating. Turns out, I was right.
Basically, a friend of mine saw her and another man kissing and flirting inside a restaurant where he was with his siblings and mom. He sent me photos. I filed for divorce, blah blah blah. You get the idea. I didn’t really care what I got in the divorce, I only pushed for 80/20 custody and to keep my money.
Surprisingly, she didn’t contest anything but the custody. I got 70/30 instead of 80/20 but hey. I picked myself up because I still had majority custody. Anyway, this year. My ex got terminal cancer. When Dean told me, Kylie and Jax, I didn’t really care. I comforted our kids but, personally, I didn’t care.
In fact, I’m ashamed of myself because of this, I was kinda excited to get full custody of Jax. (Dean has already moved out and Kylie decided she wanted to stay with only me when she turned 18).
So a few days after, I got a call from Dean. He told me that Lucifer was bed-ridden and she had asked Dean to talk to me. Basically, her last wish was to have one last conversation with me. I told Dean (quite bluntly, I’ll admit) that “No, I would not talk to her.”
All care I had for this woman evaporated when I found out she cheated on me. Dean understood but told me to expect a call from his maternal side as they had basically treated her like the world revolved around her in her last few months.
Somehow, my ex in-laws got my number and have been bombarding me with texts and calls calling me heartless and evil for not granting my ex her final wish. My kids and my ex’s cousins (whom she never got along with) are on my side. But all of Lucifer’s family and a few mutual friends are on her side. Thanks for listening.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
[deleted] said:
"She can write a letter." You don't have to read it but they can't argue with that fact.
MyCouchPulzOut_IDont said:
Soooo...let's cut through the noise and get straight to the point, shall we? Your ex-wife cheated on you, lied to you, and betrayed your trust. You have every right to feel hurt, angry, and even indifferent towards her, especially considering the circumstances of your divorce.
Her terminal illness doesn't erase the pain she caused you or absolve her of responsibility for her actions. You're under no obligation to fulfill her last wish, especially if it brings you more distress than closure.
Your priority should be your own well-being and that of your children. If talking to your ex-wife would only reopen old wounds or cause unnecessary turmoil, then it's perfectly reasonable to decline.
Don't let ANYONE guilt-trip you into doing something that goes against your own sense of peace and integrity. Stand firm in your decision and focus on what's best for you and your family. In the end, you owe nothing to someone who shattered your trust and disrespected your marriage. It's okay to prioritize yourself in this situation.
RiceandLeeks said:
Your kids shouldn't have to be in the middle of this. Dean shouldn't have to act as an intermediary.
BetweenSkyAndEarth said:
I would go and have the last conversation with her. Hate is a cancer too. You think you are fine but it's latent and slowly destroys. Let it out. Good luck man!
MmaRamotsweOS said:
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, but please start blocking these a-holes from contacting you.
Fortuitous_Event said:
You certainly don't owe it to her but I'd suggest you do it for your kids. It'll be an hour of your life you'll never have to think about again but I bet they will.
UPDATE:
Hi! Yesterday, I posted a small story about denying my ex wife her last wish. Anyway, the reason I say this is “Technically ” an update is because it’s only a small update. I mean SMALL. It’s mostly just collectively responding to some general comments.
Firstly, thanks for all the advice, love, hate and laughing about Lucifer’s chosen name. Secondly, to all those saying “She’s getting her karma with cancer” stop. I might not like her, but I wouldn’t wish Cancer (Let alone terminal cancer) on anyone. Not even the woman who made my life a misery for a long few months. It’s kinda messed up to say that sort of thing.
I also wanna talk about my “resentment” to my ex. To be clear, I do NOT hate her. Why? That would require me using energy thinking about her, I personally think this is energy wasted. I rarely have to do anyway. Even more rare now that 2 of my kids don’t live with her part-time anymore.
To the very few hurling insults at me, take a hike. If you’re gonna give your opinion on something, do it respectfully. And now, the tiny update. Many of you gave me the advice to not speak to Lucifer in person and instead write her a letter or make her a video.
I have spoken to all of my kids collectively and asked them their opinions. I also told them that what was previously suggested above, would be the only way I would grant her this wish. My kids all decided that, whilst they would like me to speak to her, they totally understand if I don’t want to.
I told them that I’m seriously considering writing a letter or making a video (for the nth time in that conversation). But that I need more time to decide if that’s what I want to do. So, I turn to internet strangers again. Advice would be greatly appreciated.
Here's what people had to say about the update:
Careless_Welder_4048 said:
I think you should make a plan with your kids. When she dies, will you go to her funeral and stuff like that.
Tasty_Candy3715 said:
Dying is absolutely terrifying. To become nothing more than a memory, it’s hard. OP - she will be gone forever, so whatever you decide, just don’t regret it. Make your decision with your kids in mind.
I think she has something to say to you, so a one-way correspondence from yourself won’t do much. Personally, I’d give her the opportunity for your kids sake, she was their mother. It’s up to you.
[deleted] said
Again, I say to you, your kids are in an emotional state and their opinions on the matter may not reflect accurately to how they will feel once she's gone. You even expressed they'd prefer if you spoke to her.
Just suck it up and talk to her. She's a human being who made bad decisions. Give your kids some closure. FFS, I am an internet stranger and I am begging you, from experience. Please give them some closure by granting their mother her dying wish to just say a few things to you.
SkeeevyNicks said:
Just go talk to your ex-wife. I mean Jesus Christ, be the bigger person. You’re talking to your children about whether or not you should speak to their mother again - instead of doing everything you can to help them grieve during this process? It‘s just so arrogant. Your children are losing their mother and it is shocking how cruel you’re being in front of them.
PrismrealmHog said:
I think you should speak to her, if not for her sake, but for yours. You're not the same person in five, ten or twenty years and you don't want to regret it then. While you say you lost all love and care for her the moment you found out, you will never stop thinking about it if you don't talk.
Maybe it won't spell outright regret, but you will entertain the thought and you don't want to be in a bad place when you ask yourself why you didn't. There's no turning back after she passes. Maybe it isn't about just you, or her or what you had together, but your children and their future. Allegedly, her words will be sincere. She has nothing more to gain, no more schemes or lies. I think you might want to hear that for once.
I cherish closure, I really value it and we seldomly get it when the nature of a relationship spells cheating. It's often ends in tears, resentment and legal fees. I haven't been married so I don't know that feeling, but I know death and regret and how it can transform over the years.
Take it when it's given. You will thank yourself in the future. Grace and integrity. I'm not telling you to "be the bigger person," it's not about that. You have nothing to prove for anyone. But it's about your well-being. Take care and good luck.
soloapeproject said:
Honestly, not speaking to her sounds like something you'll regret one day. Not because you care or this or that reason, but just because it would have cost you nothing, and because it would have meant something to others. Rare moments in life, and a chance to model compassion to your kids.
SECOND UPDATE:
Hi. It’s been a while. A while ago, I uploaded a post about my ex wife, Lucifer, and also a small update that I didn’t really consider a proper response one. I’m making this to update you all and answer a few questions.
I’ll start off with the 2 main questions. One was “did I talk to her?” I ended up choosing not to. At first (a few months ago), I decided I would IN PERSON for the sake of my kids. However, upon arriving at the hospital I began hyperventilating and nearly passed out.
After this, I went back on my word and decided not to. I did not think risking my own life just to speak to someone I have not seen in a very long time was worth it. The 2nd question is pretty much the same sort of thing, “did I make her a video, call her or write her a letter?” I also considered this. However, after I decided I might, something happened that made it impossible. Let me catch you up first.
Shortly after my post, some of Lucifer’s relatives that had been attacking me, began to publicly attack me on social media. I was attacked by even more people. Most of these people I did not know.
The posts were taken down when my three kids sat down their mother’s relatives and told them, in no uncertain terms, they would cut contact if this kind of thing continued. This seemed to stop it. I am incredibly grateful and feel blessed that my kids did this for me. They didn’t have to but they did.
Shortly after this, we received news that Lucifer might actually come out alive. Basically, what was killing her had sort of become benign and the doctors were working on treatment. This was short lived.
Just last week, Lucifer passed in her sleep. My children and their family are incredibly upset. I have comforted my kids and done my best to support them the whole way through. My kids have decided to begin planning her funeral. I have decided to attend at the request of my eldest, Dean, and at the request of a mutual friend of mine and Lucifer’s who I’ll call John (42M).
He supported me, despite still being friends with Lucifer, through the whole divorce process. I feel as though I owe it to him. John has told me that he will sit with me and make sure none of Lucifer’s family trouble me.
My youngest and my middle, Jax and Kylie, have agreed to do a similar thing by speaking to their relatives and distracting them. It’s not fully planned yet and I will update you in maybe a month when the funeral takes place. Thank you for your continued support and compliments throughout the entire period since my first upload.
Here's what people had to say about the first update:
suckerpunch1222 said:
At this point just be there for your kids and maybe talk to a professional to settle your feelings once and for all. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I lost my mom so focus on your kids now.
Puzzleheaded_Ad7742 said:
Don't participate, man. I feel sorry for your friend and the kids who have to take care of your feelings while grieving. Don't be such a high maintenance attendee.
Jazzlike_Potato_6691 said:
I don't understand. You say you don't care about her. But continue to post and talk about her. I understand being cheated on, I think you went a little too far. Meeting pain with hate, will never teach us how to love each other.
There will always be a version of you that loved her. Your kids will always be proof of that. Stop the hate before it passes to the next generation. Love is being able to grow and evolve past any pain, that is the truest form of love.
Shejuan01 said:
NTA. Did your exes family leave you alone at the funeral? How are your children? My condolences to them.
THIRD UPDATE:
Hi. I know I said I’d update in like a month after my last post and it’s been way over cause I just kinda forgot, so sorry for that. Most internet strangers here have been very supportive and I feel like I owe it to you to update.
Life’s been pretty good, funeral was fine, no drama. I’ve started therapy as well. I never thought I’d ever start anything close to therapy, but I noticed a lot of built-up resentment for my ex I didn’t think was there.
My kids are fine, Deans just got with this girl that I and the rest of my family love, Kylie goes off to uni in a month (MY LITTLE GIRL IS GROWING UP!!!!), and Jax leaves school at the end of the summer for good (WHY IS EVERYONE GROWING UP SO DAMN FAST?)
John (if you remember that guy from last few posts) is doing really well. He just got-remarried after the death of his long-term girlfriend a year ago after her battle with lung cancer that lasted nearly 4 years.
So, everything’s pretty good. I’d like to thank you all for your continued support, internet strangers. You helped me through the backlash of one of the most difficult decisions of my life, thank you.