"I have become the other woman in my own marriage..."
Wild how life flips the script sometimes. I used to be the wife he betrayed. We have lawyers, and are working on a divorce as far as everyone knows. But now I’m the other woman in his relationship with his affair partner.
I'm the one he can’t stay away from. He doesn't take his eyes off of me to look at his phone. He has that same look he had 13 years ago, the hungry eyes look. It's really incredible to see that version of him reignite.
I want to be clear, this is not about payback. I've been dating, having so much fun being single again. I'm not afraid of a future without him, but holy shit I cannot believe how far we strayed from where we started. Remembering it again, finding those feelings that have been buried under the responsibilities around kids, finances, chores, extended family, blah blah blah....
And having a second chance to feel the newness again, holy crap. The connection between us never died, it just went underground because life can be such a b. So now it’s back, stronger, calmer, deeper.
So much spicier. There’s honesty in it now — no illusions, no pretending. Just two people who’ve been through some shit and somehow found their way back to each other.
But NO ONE can know. Not the kids, not family, not friends. As far as everyone’s concerned, he left me for her and that’s where the story ends. I came here to say... I get it now — the thrill of being the secret, the stolen moments, the quiet electricity. It feels sacred. It’s messy, sure.
And I do have compassion for how the AP will feel if/when she finds out about us or he ends things after all the promises he made. But there’s something kind of beautiful about the way this is playing out. Like the universe wants me to understand something so I can move past all that hurt and focus on the pleasure without distractions.
Anyway, I feel kind of grateful for everything getting burned down so I could experience this reawakening. I know a lot of you don't understand how a man can go back to his wife when he's told you how awful she is. Or how a wife can forgive the mountains of deceit and disrespect inherent in having an affair....
But, getting married is a big deal. Getting there usually takes years of intense emotional connection. The other woman can be a catalyst to bring that back. And in that sense, when the affair is over, you can maybe find a little bit of satisfaction knowing your electricity gave two people the jolt they needed to save what once was.
It doesn't make it suck less for the (OG) AP, but it's also kind of empowering to think your physical appeal was powerful enough to do what a psychologist tries to do.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
[deleted] said:
The flair on this has me lol'ing. GOOD FOR YOU!! I love your confidence and ability to rise above and just be with how things are in the moment. I admire you + am happy for you
actuallyjustme said:
I'm excited for you. Sometimes a trial separation has the same affect. Your sense of empowerment is a wonderful thing. I wish you the best, however that looks for you.
[deleted] said:
Happy for you OP that you are getting a second chance. Wishing you good luck that things stay hot between you and your husband.
Fit_Passenger_1194 said:
The denial is strong in this one…What’s sad about this post is the level of denial the OP is in about her feelings and what she wants. She says “oh it’s just for fun and I’m totally fine just playing around,” but then notice how in her response to one of the comments below she mentions that she might end up getting back together with her ex if things continue to go well…
So basically what’s happened here is that her ex has sucked her back in and she’s deluding herself into thinking that their relationship has been reborn and they will have a future again.
She’s laughing at the AP and doesn’t realize she’s heading straight for more heartache. Her ex is only interested in thrills and once their relationship becomes routine again he will lose interest and she will have another round of pain.
billybob1675 said:
Hopefully you can get some closure. Your case is different but I often cant wrap my head around why people do the whole affair thing. You tell people to not do it and its not worth it. I just don’t why people just leave or simply ask to open the relationship up. Seems announcing the disassociation would do wonders for everyone involved and affairs don't ever seem to end well.
Wooden_Agent_932 said:
Let me get this straight, he cheated on you with a woman, married her, and now he's cheating on her with you If this is the case, I don't feel sorry for her. When a mistress becomes a wife, she leaves her place empty. The best thing about your case is that you are his ex-wife the new mistress this is like plot movie love it
UPDATE:
I just want to say I am really enjoying all the feedback to this post. Clearly this resonates with people who see either/both the revenge opportunity and the repair opportunity.
Being betrayed is the most humiliating, degrading, disorienting and painful thing I have ever experienced. APs need to realize that MM/MW very often paint an exaggerated negative picture of their spouse and homelife to justify their actions.
The reason so many marriages survive infidelity is because there is usually a stronger foundation and a lot more affection wrapped up in the history and logistics of day to day life than the married party will acknowledge to the AP.
Loving someone is a choice. Reigniting something that has gone out is not impossible. People just want to feel seen, cherished, appreciated and desired. Most marriages aren't bad, they have just lost the excitement and passion because life is a lot and we become complacent and take each other for granted BECAUSE there is so much trust there.
Don't have an affair. It's one of the most traumatic things someone can experience and it isn't worth the fallout when all is said and done. IMO living with integrity yields way more rewards over the course of your life. But definitely be intimate with your spouse and talk about physical stuff even if it's uncomfortable. It's worth it!