'I'm a stay-at-home dad and I don't want to grow resentful of my wife...'
"I'm a stay-at-home dad and I don't want to grow resentful of my wife..."
I’m a stay at home dad. Have been since our first was born. We now have six kids. The newest three are triplet girls born at 33+6. Two are home. One is still in the NICU, but she's stable. We also have an 8 year old, a 5 year old, and a 16 month old.
Right now my days are school drop offs, bottles every 3 hours around the clock, toddler wrangling, laundry, trying to keep the house functioning, and then NICU visits in the evening when I can make it work.
My wife is about 3 weeks out from a C section and recovering, so I’m handling nights and most of the hands on baby care. That's not to say that she's not doing anything, she's just prioritizing herself and the bigger kids right now.
To be clear, I’ve always done nights. Even with our older kids. That was just how we did things. I’m not resentful about that. She carried triplets and had surgery. I know what that took, and I’m not minimizing it.
But three newborns and one in the hospital is a different level. She doesn’t usually do diapers or much skin to skin. I’ve always just stepped in and done it. I don’t think we ever explicitly decided that, it just became normal. And talking on here before made me realize I probably accept more than I even register in the moment.
I know it’s only been three weeks. I’m not about to demand some equal split while she’s healing. I’m not planning to stop doing what I’m doing. But I’d be lying if I said I’m not tired. And I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel a little mad sometimes.
It’s not explosive anger. It’s just this quiet frustration that shows up at 3am when I’m doing back to back feeds, or when I’m sitting alone in the NICU and I’m the only dad there by himself. I feel guilty for even typing that. She went through a lot, and I chose to be a stay at home dad.
I just don’t know how sustainable this is if nothing shifts once all three are home. And I don’t know how to bring that up without it turning into scorekeeping.
After reading the comments, OP edited the post to include:
Just wanted to add some more context, but that vasectomy was scheduled the day we got a positive test and happened the day after we found out there were three.
Additionally, my parents are in town temporarily, but I don't like other people doing what I consider parent jobs. They help as much as they can, but all baby duties are on me. We hired a night nurse but due to them coming earlier than expected she will only arrive mid-March.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
-Avacyn said:
It becomes score keeping when there is not enough to go around. You guys need help one way or the other and that's the problem you need to tackle together. It's one thing to say: "I'm overwhelmed and I need you to step up." Knowing that she is also stretched to the limits while healing...it's another thing to say: "We are overwhelmed and I think we need to ask our parents/our siblings/our friends for help."
whyyyywhyyyywhyyy said:
Listen, having 6 kids is insane. Just 3 is a massive workload. Both of you would be absolutely stretched to your limits right now. You need outside help. Hire a nanny, cleaner whatever to reduce the load. This is not sustainable- it is also not your wife’s fault that you are stretched so thin if both of you wanted this amount of kids - it just comes with the territory.
jp_in_nj said:
My wife and I wanted to murder each other at least twice a week when we were dealing with twins together. You're going to feel resentment and that's not abnormal. Realize that you can and should ask for help when you need it.
Realize that you won't get everything that you need. Also realize that she's not getting everything she needs. And you're both going to sometimes get really, really angry at each other because of it. Accept it and move on when it happens. Talk it through.
See each other's perspectives (this is NOT me saying that you should see her perspective, it's saying that you both need to be constantly talking about your own needs with each other, acknowledging that they won't be met all the time...
(Or even nearly enough) and constantly reaffirming your love for each other and your family anyway because you're both stressed as hell and multiples put a unique stress on a marriage even without other kids in the picture.)
Soon enough, after about ten years of sleeplessness and stress packed into about a year and a half, things will get better. Accept the stress of the moment as real and unavoidable, don't let it become your identity, and the light at the other side of the tunnel will eventually show. Hang in there, friend!
PuraVidaPagan said:
You’re both doing amazing, I can’t even imagine trying to deal with 3 newborns at the same time, let alone with 3 other children under the age of 8. Hang in there! You need to stay strong together. It’s easy to grow resentful in these situations. It will get better.
UnderstandingFront66 said:
So let me get this straight. Your wife just had TRIPLETS by c-section 3 weeks ago and you have 3 other children one who JUST 16 months??? So in the last 8 years she has had 6 kids. Do you understand the toll it takes on a body? She is still recovering and still helping with your other kids.
I do not want to down play how you are feeling. I completely understand. She is lucky to have you. Please talk to her about how you are feeling. But also be aware that she is tired and emotional. She is giving her all.
I say this because I had 3 c-sections and I was a stay at home parent as well. I also have a great husband that is and was supportive during that time. I know that c-sections take a toll on the body. You guys are doing great. Talk to her. She will understand. You guys are a team.
ImpassionateGods001 said:
I can't even imagine. I was so overwhelmed with just one kid that I decided not to have more. It's understandable you're exhausted, you're stretched to the max. This doesn't have to be score keeping at all, she's also doing her part.
This just means that you need help, talk to your wife to hire someone at least for a few months or reach to your family. As they say it takes a village and right at this moment you need your village to help you. Good luck, and hopefully your little one will be out of the NICU soon.