Man tells cousin that their autistic son should be in a group home; family disagrees. AITA?
"AITA for telling someone their Autistic son should go to a group home?"
I(25m) live in a triplex alongside my girlfriend with our neighbors being my parents and my Cousin's family. This arrangement was fine at first however recently it has become an issue for me.
The issue itself lies with Jason(18) who is my cousin's severely autistic son and his need to be constantly looked after. This is because aside from being autistic he has Prader-Willi syndrome.
At first, I would only watch him for 1-2 hours at most while his mother ran errands or went to appointments. This however changed this past month when the visits kept longer and she began to force him on us unannounced. This led to both my girlfriend and I deciding to put an end to it.
On one of my days off last week, I went to her place to have a word with her. When I showed up she said she wanted to talk about something. This something was her asking if I could do overnight 'babysitting' for Jason.
I straight up told her no and said that I wasn't going to be watching over him anymore. I went on to say how her constantly expecting both myself and my mother to look after Jason is both unkind and unreasonable.
I then told her if she plans on working nights, Jason should go to a group home. I also told her that if she finds a day job, Jason should go to a day program where he can be with other special needs people.
This unfortunately didn't go well and I got accused of everything from being selfish to being 'p#**y whipped' by my girlfriend. She went so far as to accuse me of wanting to remove her and Jason from the family.
The aftermath of this was huge as my cousin has painted me as a huge asshole which has led to angry messages from other family members and my parents. Am I the asshole?
Let's find out.
glassstatus writes:
NTA. Depending on the level of severity, taking care of an autistic adult can be a full time job. But PWS on top of that.
I don't think a lot of people here understand the gravity of PWS. These are people who lack the part of the brain that controls hunger and reads the hormones that tell us that we are full.
These people can literally eat themselves to death because they have nothing to shut off their hunger. It's not uncommon to have a pt eat out of the trash, eat pet food, even animal feces in severe cases.
They will steal, beg, borrow, manipulate ANYTHING to get access to food. Imagine eating your way through a buffet and still feeling like you haven't eaten in days.
PWS in itself isn't a deadly disorder however the bast majority of patients are morbidly obese and due to the poor muscle tone that comes with the disorder, theory caloric needs are actually far less than an average adult.
People with PWS are CONSTANTLY fixated on food. It's not much different than a opioid addict. Unlike an opioid addict, however, you can't take a PW patient out of the situation. Food is literally one of the building blocks of our culture and it is something we need to survive.
PW pts needs constant supervision, structure and routine. Without it, they will succumb to obesity related illness very quickly. To keep them safe in a home environment is like living in a prison.
Kitchens have to be kept under lock and key...with many homes now outfitting the kitchen with ballistic proof doors, coded and biometric locks, and alarms. Additionally, the pantries, icebox, garbage cans, pet food also have to be kept locked as well as a backup.
Mealtimes as a family are non existent because the patient will eat their food and begin to fixate on other people's plates. Doors and windows have to have alarms so they don't leave to seek food. Money, credit cards and valuables have to be kept locked up so they can't go buy food.
Diet has to be constantly monitored. Food and beverages have to be weighed and measured. Tantrums are common and caregivers have been injured while trying to stop food seeking behavior.
This is FAR more complicated than a differently abled person who needs adult supervision. Hunger is a VERY primitive and instinctual feeling and the drive to satisfy hunger is very much primal in nature.
Living with a PW patient can be VERY taxing and requires specialized family therapy. Most average adult babysitters are NOT equipped to handle them.
That is specifically WHY many PWS patients DO live in group homes or go to day care.
I have a LOT of sympathy for the cousin. I really do. But she needs to understand that if it's hard enough on her, someone who has existed with this man's condition his entire life, that she is not doing him any favors by foisting him off on people who are ill equipped to manage his condition.
What she is doing could be dangerous for both the u willing caregivers AND her son. I would consider calling the local agency that supervises the elderly and disabled. She clearly needs help but it can't come in the form of forcing unwilling and Ill equipped family and friends into a full time caregiving role.
dippinmytoes writes:
NTA - you are well within your rights to put a stop to the unreasonable unpaid demands on your time. Neither you nor your mother owe this woman carer services for her son. Maybe you could have phrased it a bit better, but the group home suggestion is actually a good one.
What does she plan to do some day when she's not able to care for him any more? I'm sure she was planning to dump him on you or someone else in the family, but she needs to be more practical because it doesn't sound like that's going to fly far.
She needs a wake up call to do what's best for her son rather than just making him other people's issue.