'AITA for not paying for my daughter's wedding unless I can walk her down the aisle?'
"AITA for refusing to pay for my daughter's wedding because she won't let me walk her down the aisle?"
I'm a 48-year-old man and my 19-year-old daughter has always been an independent thinker. I raised her to be independent and think for herself, which I've always appreciated. However, we recently hit a bit of a snag.
She got engaged and decided that she doesn't want me to walk her down the aisle at her wedding. She argues that her mother and I don't 'own' her, therefore we have no right to 'give her away'. I feel hurt by this because we never treated her like an object or piece of property, rather we've tried our best to provide her with a wonderful life.
Her stance seems extreme to me and despite discussions, she's refusing to budge on the issue. I respect her choices, but I feel she's disregarding our feelings completely. As a response, I told her that if she feels that way, then I won't be paying for her wedding.
I don't want to come across as controlling or manipulative. It's true, I don't 'own' her, I also don't owe her a fully-funded wedding. She can pay for her own wedding if she's insistent on this stance. I'm feeling quite conflicted about this. AITA?
So, this isn't about making the wedding about me. Walking her down the aisle (while all eyes are on her anyway) and then sitting down is hardly making the wedding about me. It's about her attitude. She's had every opportunity in life so far, and to exclude us from this day is a spit in the face. It's a rejection of everything we've done for her, sacrificed for her, given her. It's selfish.
'90% of wedding traditions and symbolism had roots in things we don't acknowledge today. Should we stop all of them? The rings, the flowers, the dress, the wedding party, the cake, the flower girls... a father walking his daughter down the aisle has been about respect, pride, love and honoring the father/daughter relationship for far longer than it was about ownership.'
Independent thinking does not mean rude or selfish thinking. Being an independent thinker does not give someone the license to disregard or disrespect the thoughts, feelings, or perspectives of others.
Independent thinking is about maintaining the ability to think critically and form one's own opinions while remaining respectful and considerate of others. It is a balance between asserting individuality and engaging in meaningful and respectful interactions with others.
Also note that our relationship is not so weak that this disagreement will 'ruin our relationship.' We are still close with each other in spite of this. There is zero chance of her not inviting us to her wedding (regardless of who pays for it) or cutting off contact and withholding grandchildren.
I feel sorry for anyone who suggests that as a possibility. In life, people disagree - even strongly - it's a natural part of life. We don't end life-long relationships over it. AITA?
Let's see what internet users had to say on this one.
prairiescary writes:
YTA. I don’t understand people saying that if you’re contributing money to the wedding that you get to control it. I have always seen paying for a wedding as a gift to the couple. You don’t put conditions on gifts. Your ego is getting the best of you.
inevitablepie writes:
NTA exactly because it's your money, your call. But die on this hill, daughter funds her own wedding, be prepared to not even get an invite, much less walk her down the aisle. It'll be her money, her call.
alilimenizen writes:
YTA. And I quote:
“It wasn't until 1974, when the Equal Credit Opportunity Act passed, that women in the U.S. were granted the right to open a bank account on their own. Technically, women won the right to open a bank account in the 1960s, but many banks still refused to let women do so without a signature from their husbands.”
This is why your daughter doesn’t want to be “given away”. Women were quite literally seen as the responsibilities of the fathers until they were their husbands. It was actually legal to deny women credit and bank accounts until 1974 without a husband.
Also - it’s HER wedding and your feelings about the ceremony don’t matter. Hers do. Have you even tried to compromise on participating in some other way what shows the bond of your relationship?
For someone who doesn’t want to make her feel like you’re controlling her or she’s your property you’re doing a sh&% job by not respecting any of her beliefs or wishes.