Man emails fiancé's estranged dad her DNA results. Family is shocked. AITA?
When this man crosses a boundary, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for emailing my fiancé's dad about her DNA results?'
I (35 M) secretly emailed my fiancé's (31 F) biological father, who is adopted and had no links to his real family, to inform him that his family had been found through her 23andMe test results. Three years ago she bought 23andMe tests for us, her parents (mom and step-dad), and my parents.
This was a deeply meaningful gift because my 5 older brothers have tormented me all my life with claims that I was adopted or that our dad wasn't my dad since I don't look like everyone else in the family. I'm tall with red hair. So it really healed an old wound to get definitive proof that our parents are both my parents.
What we weren't expecting was for results for her biological father's family to show up. She wasn't expecting to find many familial connections because she's first generation American. Initially there was a third cousin connection on her paternal side and over the last couple of years it's grown into a practical family tree.
I knew that she had stopped speaking to her dad over 10 years ago because the most he did for her was sporadically remember to call on her birthday. She explained her reasons for not wanting to give him the information but they honestly didn't sit well with me.
I tracked down her dads email address in her contacts list and sent him the list of his known relatives. I completely forgot about it until her mom saw a social media post about him finding his family and told my fiancé. She was very emotional as she told me about the phone call with her mom but said she was happy for him.
She made a comment about how 'we didn't have anything to do with it' so I confessed to what I had done. She was furious and this has created a major issue in our relationship. AITA for sending her dad, who is adopted, her test results that identified his biological family?
Let's find out.
whygodwhy writes:
YTA. I'm nigerian and when my dad died who was also a chief, my young in law from my dad's wife announced it on Facebook. We were furious. It wasn't his call. It's our choice to make the pronouncement. Your present action reminds me of my inlaw. You should have sent her her dad's email address. That would have been the greatest gift you could have given her! The mistakes been made but learn from it!
helpfulname writes:
YTA and then some. If I were her I would leave you over this disgusting betrayal of her privacy and the shocking disrespect you have for her. Who the hell do you think you are to judge her reasoning for not being in contact with her bio dad? How she could ever trust you again is beyond me.
ickyhouse writes:
YTA. It’s not what you did, it’s HOW you did it. Why did you feel the need to force the results on him? Also, you need to let your fiancé know ahead and what she thinks. This isn’t your role. You are overstepping.
Why not simply explain how you are doing a 23 and me test and may learn information, the ASK if he would like to know them? Some people want the past to stay in the past and you have no right to mess up someone’s affairs like that without asking if they want that info.