Man furious that grown son wants to name his kid after their unborn daughter. AITA?
When this man feels upset about his granddaughter, he asks Reddit:
'AITA not wanting my grandaughter to have the same name as our unborn daughter?'
My wife, Laura, and I struggled to have children. After two years, my wife got pregnant. Unfortunately there were complications and we lost our baby. We had named her Evelyn and had made so many plans. It was really hard on us, but we managed to get through it. Now we have a daughter (Amy) and a son. Amy has a fiance, Max, and is 7 months pregnant. Last month they were over to see us and announced the name they chose. It was Evelyn (Eve for clarity).
My wife and I tried to hide our shock, and not ruin the mood. But Amy had noticed we didn't seem happy. Afterwards we explained Evelyn, and that naming Eve really hurt. Amy hadn't heard about her before, and was shocked and sympathetic. However they told us that they're sorry but they don't think they should change it.
We weren't happy, but I would accept it. But then Amy basically said it was fate, and our granddaughter could be the girl we didn't have, and that basically it would be a tribute and give new meaning to the name and stuff. But that's not how it works, children can't just be replaced. I admit I perhaps overreacted, but I snapped back and basically said that Evelyn can't just be replaced like that.
While she wasn't born, she was real and not some title that can be rebranded. And that while she can name Eve what she wants, it's not some beautiful act for her unborn sister. Max got angry and we argued. He basically said that it's their choice, and we should suck it up and I agreed but said that doesn't mean we can't be hurt by it, and that it's cruel to act like I should be happy. It didn't go well, and Laura asked them to leave us to just process it.
I still don't like them naming their daughter Eve, and I do want them to change it. But obviously I can't make them. Amy and I managed to kind of make up (and mostly avoid the issue). However Max and Laura have dug in. Max doesn't want her involved with Eve if she can't both just accept their decision.
Laura basically thinks that they're being cruel and must change the name, or else she won't be involved. I've tried to just stay out of it and be there for Amy. However Max constantly makes remarks and reminders, basically making it clear it's their decision and Laura and I need to butt out.
It seems the fighting got to Amy and she wants to name Eve something else. Max came to us last night and was furious. He called us manipulative and controlling and that it's disgusting for us to force Amy to not name her daughter what she wanted. It didn't end well, and Max eventually left and hates us.
Amy isn't happy, and feels even more conflicted. I basically told her to just do what she feels is right. I'll support Amy whatever decision she makes, but honestly I agree with Laura. But it's ruining everything and I'm starting to think we should never have said anything. I didn't realise people didn't understand but the baby is Evelyn. I wrote Eve to refer to her for clarity in the post, but the name was Evelyn.
Thanks for all the advice. I can see how much worse it was than I realised. I definitely wish I had of stayed quiet that night. I'll definitely be taking Laura to therapy, her not going isn't really an option at this point. I'm not going to give up Amy. While I dislike her choice, I've supported it. I haven't been saying she should change it after that initial night, and have simply said I'll support her choice whatever it is. AITA?
Let's find out.
primarycriticism writes:
I'm going with YTA, and so his your wife. I can't believe you never told your kids they had a sister, and when you daughter says great, the name I picked will have meaning for the family, you get mad at her ?
It's not Amy's fault you and your wife never dealt properly with loosing your child and yet, you're taking it out on her and her choice. Your wife is going to have what she wished : they're not going to let her anywhere near their kid once she's born.
karashan writes:
Agree, YTA, it's not Amy's fault, and how would you expect one to act? Your daughter announces the name she picked for her child, and you decide that time to disclose that she had an older sister, who shares the same name?
What did you want? You just gave her shocking news, and then blew up at her. Wow. This is one reason I keep my baby's name between my husband and I, everyone else can wait until it is on the birth certificate. Also have an older brother that didn't make it to birth, I know him and love him.
igotlostinthere writes:
ESH, except Amy. First, Amy didn't know about your Evelyn. I don't doubt this reminder was painful, but rather obviously neither Amy nor Max is responsible for that - they didn't know. You and your wife suffered a real loss, but you are now wrecking your daughter's pregnancy experience because of it.
She knew nothing about your Evelyn. She probably put a lot of time and effort into choosing a name, picked one she loved only to find out it was connected to a loss she didn't know about, and now her parents are using words like 'hurtful' and 'cruel' to describe this choice and your own wife is refusing to be involved in her grandchild's life unless a different name is chosen.
Amy's remarks were unfortunate, but it sounds to me like she was trying to make this easier for you and her mother. Look at it from her perspective - she was excited to share her baby's name with her family, she finds out it's the same name you gave a child you lost, you're both clearly upset about it, and she was just reaching for anything that would resurrect this as the happy event it should have been.
As you describe him, Max doesn't sound like much of a peach either, but his actions could be interpreted as trying to defend Amy against a really outsized reaction on the part of you and your wife, and, frankly, emotional manipulation. Look, OP. It is very sad that you lost your Evelyn. But you have a living daughter, and soon, a grandchild. Do you want to lose them too?