Man tells GF that he thinks her son is autistic, GF is livid and says 'stay out of it!"
When this man feels guilty for talking to his GF about her kid's behavior, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for telling my GF I think her Son is on the Autism spectrum?'
I've been dating Jen for 6 months now. She has a kid, Tommy, that is now 2.5 years old. I was first introduced to him about 2 weeks ago. Tommy doesn't speak. At all. He also didn't make eye contact, didn't seem engaged in anything other than the little toy in his hand that he kept...petting. He also bit my leg. Jen just said he was really shy, and didn't like new people.
I accepted this answer, but in the back of my mind I still thought something was awry. I do have 4 cousins that are on the spectrum, and a lot of his behavior reminded me of what I have seen from them, but I didn't say anything because its not my field of specialty.
This weekend, my Mom came to town so I suggested everyone just come to my apt and I'll order in (Jen and Mom have never met). Everyone got here, made introductions, everything was smooth, but I could tell my Mom kept looking at Tommy. She kept trying to interact with him in different ways and I could tell she was gauging his response. Now, my Mom has an Ed.D. in Early Childhood Education. She's been a Child Psychologist for over 20 years.
Tommy sat in the living room petting his toy while we got the table and food set up. They had been here for about 15 minutes before my Mom asked Jen, 'Is Tommy on the spectrum?' Jen immediately seemed offended by the question, but replied that no he's just shy. Jen also insisted that delayed speech runs in her family, and her brother didn't talk until he was 3 and he's an Engineer now. My Mom just said OK and dropped the subject.
At one point in the evening my Mom pulled me aside and simply said, 'He shows strong signs of ASD. You need to insist she get him a comprehensive diagnostic evaluation ASAP if she hasn't done so yet.' While dropping Jen off at home, she blows up on me.
Apparently she thinks I must have been talking sh** about Tommy to my Mom about him biting me before they got there, and thats why my Mom asked that question. I literally never even told my Mom Tommy existed until tonight, we rarely speak. I told Jen my Mom's extremely decorated background, and what she told me privately about Tommy needing an evaluation. Jen flipped out. She claimed there is nothing wrong with Tommy, all kids are different, how dare I call her kid the R word (I never said that at all).
At this point, something must be seriously wrong with her. She said she hasn't taken him in for a developmental screening with his Pediatrician in over a year, and I know thats because she knows something is off. I tell her its imperative she addresses this while Tommy is still young...the quality of his life could depend on it.
I told her shes being delusional and if she doesn't address this she is an unfit mother. She spit on me after that. I think my words were justified, but some people are telling me I went too far, and at the end of the day its not my kid and not my choice. AITA?
Let's find out.
keithgreen7 writes:
NTA. A friend tried getting his daughter help while she was you but her mother refused to believe that anything was wrong with her daughter. Now her 20 something daughter lives at home with mom and will never have the capacity to live like an adult. My advice is to talk to her about it when tempers are calmer but if she still refuses to listen then walk away quickly.
kittymewbear writes:
NAH. You mean well. The child could use some help and getting him services early on could make a huge impact on his future. I've had to ask parents gently about possible disabilities (I'm a teacher) and I've had the whole range of reactions. Parents sometimes go through a sort of grieving process - often starting with denial and having some angrier outbursts.
She may have noticed that her child is showing signs of something, but it can take awhile to process and come to acceptance. This is especially true if she has misconceptions about disabilities, such as ASD.
What I'm trying to say is, be gentle with your approach, and please be understanding of how she may be feeling. Neither of you are the asshole here. This is a tough situation to be in. I hope you are able to get this wonderful child set up with all of the services he may need!
shoebear writes:
ESH you called her an unfit mother, which basically guarantees she can't take him to the doctor without validating your criticism. Tommy could be worse off because you couldn't hold your tongue.
Also, you admit the odds are good that she already knows something is off and she's terrified of a diagnosis. So you saw a terrified mother making mistakes out of fear and ignorance and you reacted with name calling. Yikes.
Obviously she's doing awful things here, too. Her defensiveness and ignorance are not okay. But you don't break through those things by insults.