Man suspects that wife is using ADHD diagnosis as excuse to be 'disgusting.'
When this man is frustrated with his wife, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for asking my ADHD-diagnosed wife to be better at tidying?'
My wife is just straight-up awful at tidying up after herself. When she cooks, the kitchen is looks like a bomb went off. She leaves her dirty clothes laying around, and when the laundry is done she leaves her clothes folded in a pile rather than putting them away.
Toiletries all over the bathroom and bedroom. Shoes just stay on the floor in whichever room they were taken off in, rather than by the porch. After wrapping a gift, the scissors, tape and wrapping paper will just stay on the table rather than being out away… those type of things.
She has what she calls “doom bags” all around the house. (These are IKEA bags containing random clutter which doesn’t really have a home or a use, but “can’t be thrown out”). She acknowledges that it’s important to be tidy and ordered… we both hate not knowing where things are and the wasted time looking for them.
We also have a cleaner come on a Monday every other week. The agreement is that the house is tidy so she can just come in and clean without having to tidy clutter away first. So every 2nd Sunday night it’s the same bullsh&t every week… a stressful 2hrs of tidying away all the things she’s left lying around over the past fortnight.
She blames all of the above on her ADHD and says she “just doesn’t see the mess” or “means to tidy it but gets distracted.” Which I get. I don’t have ADHD and I think it must be hard for her, so I try to have patience and do pick up a lot after her. She refuses any medication for ADHD.
I’m getting quite sick of it. Not having a space I can actually feel relaxed in is really affecting my mental health and I’m feeling resentful. She seems to be getting worse, but says she isn’t depressed or anything.
So last week I explained where I’m at and asked her to try harder, because I’m struggling. She got defensive and flew off the handle and accused me of not being supportive. She reiterated that her ADHD makes it impossible.
However, she manages to overcome the ADHD when it’s important to her. For example if we have planned for family or friends to come over, she manages to tidy away all her shite before they arrive. Same on the Sunday night for the cleaner coming the next day. When it’s important to her, she can do it.
I pointed this out, and explained that it makes me feel like she cares about visitors’ comfort on a one-off more than her husband’s comfort every day. Which isn’t a nice feeling. If it’s important that her friend doesn’t have to come into a messy home, why isn’t it important that her husband shouldn’t have to either? Anyway we argued and haven’t really resolved it… it’s been a bit frosty. I’m starting to second-guess myself. AITA?
Let's find out.
dashq writes:
NTA. Sounds like weaponised incompetence to me. I have a friend with ADHD, her home is tidier than mine. She uses a lot of tricks, routines, alarms, calenders etc, it took her years to get used to it all and incorporate all of it in her life, according to her, it was difficult, but in the end it was worth it.
Quote: my head is messy and cluttered AF, but my home doesnt have to be. I'm not saying itll be easy, but its doable, especially if shes willing to at least try and maybe work on it together. (Provided you are willing to help).
For example: spend 5-10 mins a day (like after dinner, or before bed) to both tidy a little bit. 5 mins a day is not much, but can make a huge difference with all the clutter and it will take less time to clean up when people come over.
cuteprofession9 writes:
ESH. My mom has adhd and growing up I would get so infuriated that she couldn’t remember things down to my appointments. I genuinely thought how could you forget that? After I grew up and became closer to her, I saw how hard it was for her. Not being able to focus 24/7 is hard. Not being able to remember things everyone around you says you need to remember is infuriating.
She probably cleans and is more focused when people are coming over, 1. Because of the adrenaline, people can’t see her like this or they will judge her like everyone else 2. It is so top of mind that it is constantly reminding her to finish what she is doing. Further if she is interested in doing something it’s less likely she will forget. Few people like cleaning.
Maybe it would be helpful to not only research how people with adhd feel, but organization tips especially for people with adhd. Things that you can incorporate for her to make both your life’s easier. Also she needs to take responsibility, as that is the first step to changing the behaviour.
Have a conversation, make sure to place little blame and ask her how she feels internally when all that is going on. You two might be able to understand each others stressed and flustered feelings even if they are about contrasting points.