Mom at crossroads when bio daughter won't accommodate adopted daughter's allergies.
When this mom is at a loss when it comes to parenting her daughters, she asks Reddit:
'WIBTA if I kicked out my daughter for bringing allergens into the home twice?'
I (F45) live with my two daughters, Demi (F23) and Faith (F2). Demi is my biological daughter, however Faith joined our family around a year ago when I adopted her through a closed adoption. Before she came into our household, I was informed by the adoption agency that Faith has some very severe food allergies. Faith is allergic to sesame seeds and peanuts.
She is at risk of going into anaphylaxis if she eats these foods or any foods with traces of them, as her allergies are very sensitive. I've been advised by the doctor that kids very rarely outgrow allergies to peanuts or sesame seeds. With her being a toddler and always putting things in her mouth, it would be better safe than sorry and kept our home free of these foods.
Demi is of course aware of Faith's allergies, and knows how severe they are, plus Demi is a nursing student and knows about these kinds of things. We had many serious conversations about it before Faith joined our household. However, on two different recent occasions, Demi has brought these allergens into the home and I'm considering asking her to move out because of it.
The first occasion was a few weeks ago, Demi ordered UberEats and Demi walked into the living room where Faith was playing, with a burger with a sesame seed bun in her hand. I panicked and yelled at Demi to get out of the room. Demi said it was an accident and that she forgot the burger had sesame seeds on it, and promised it wouldn't happen again.
The second time was yesterday, Demi came home whilst eating a sesame seed bagel and getting crumbs all over the floor. I flipped out and told Demi she can't bring that into the house. Demi claimed she forgot about the sesame seeds again and said she's sorry.
I told her that it's not fair to be risking Faith's health and life, and that she needs to think about her actions. Demi started crying and said she's sorry again.I have a feeling this is going to keep happening. WIBTA if I kicked her out?
Let's find out.
blendinblandin writes:
YWBTA - Look, I get your concern for Faith - serious allergies are terrifying. But are you seriously considering making your other child homeless over a lapse in judgement/memory?
We’re talking about a major behavioral shift for an adult who has never had to think about what she eats or brings into the house before. If she’s not doing so maliciously, then it’s reasonable to think that she has just forgotten - not about the allergy, but that the item she’s eating contains it.
Your reaction is way over the top. Why not brainstorm solutions with Demi? Often, when a well-intentioned person has difficulty adhering to a rule/guideline, there are possible structural solutions to the issue that don’t include “either remember this or lose your home”.
For example; instead a “don’t bring X allergen into the house”, you could have a “don’t bring unapproved outside food - especially pre-made fast food - into the house”.Take a deep breath, calm down, and tackle this like a responsible parent.
bina101 writes:
NAH. I def get where you're coming from, that two incidents were two incidents too many. I can also see where your oldest child is coming from too. This is something that is a huge shift in behavior on having to pay attention to what she is eating or bringing in the house.
In order for me to get used to something new, I have to constantly keep reminding myself about the change, and it does get exhausting. Maybe tell her that if she's bringing in any food that she's not sure about, that she needs to eat it outside on the porch.
If I'm not mistaken, some Asian foods get cooked in sesame seed oil and other foods can get cooked in peanut oil. And that's not something that people without allergies ever think about.
nope111 writes:
NTA if you talk to her first. Let her know if it happens again what the consequences will be. But, I would really be concerned about what she brings in that you can't see, like things prepared with peanut or sesame oil.