When this mom is at odds with her husband, she asks Reddit:
My daughter(13F) is really into the whole ‘emo/y2k’ thing, and I’ve recently let her get some clothes and makeup as she’s asked for it, and she’s been pretty good in grades and chores so far. My husband on the other hand doesn’t like it, as he’s from a strict Christian household, and he sees it as her acting up and ‘worshipping satanic practices’ in his words. I don’t know whether I identify as a Christian anymore, but I’m not as strict as him.
He’s been trying to dissuade her and has tried using punishments (no electronics, etc) which haven’t worked. All this has done is just make her more distant from him. I don’t see a problem in her clothes, but my husband has said that I’m putting our daughter on a bad path because I’m ‘encouraging’ her to be defiant.
Pretty sure he told my dad and MIL about the situation as those two have messaged me separately about ‘fixing’ my daughter, with my dad saying to put in her one of those Christian summer camps(?) I don’t think I’m TA but I would like outside opinion. AITA?
NTA. You are giving space for your daughter to express her individuality, at a moment where she really needs that space to do so in her life. But I was tempted to go with e-s-h, because it is clear you and your husband aren't on the same page when it comes to raising your daughter. And that is a major issue: she is still young, having contradictory rules/punishments from her parents will just confuse her and make her grow resentment.
But seeing how your dad and MIL are dangerous zealots people, and how you wrote that you are not 'anymore' Christian... I'm wondering if you don't have other religious-based issues in your couple/family? From what you wrote (a very tiny window in your life, for sure), it seems that since you and your daughter aren't strict christians, this is creating a split between the two of you one side, and the rest of the family on the other side. More issues are likely to come further down the road if this is not address soon.
NTA … but I’m concerned about your husbands view of the world. Part of normal teenage development is trying in new personalities and seeing what fits with your authentic self and what doesn’t. By going through different phases during this time, adopting and shedding different personas, people are able to find what they find as important for and representative of their true self as an adult.
It also helps the learn what it feels like to do something because it’s a trend and what it feels like to do something because it’s a core part of their identity. Absolutely let your teen be an emo kid for as long or as short as she’d like. Maybe remind her she can be emo AND a book nerd. Or emo AND a track star.
You husband has a very narrow view of the world and seems to believe you can judge a persons heart based in their aesthetic. That is false and harmful thinking and there is a lot to unpack there.
NTA- your husband is about to cause major damage to your daughters self esteem and feelings of self worth. Your husband is showing her that she’s only of value to him as long as she does what he wants. That’s a dangerous thing to teach a young lady ,that her self worth depends on what a man thinks of her. Please put her in therapy , she’s gonna need it. And I’m side eyeing you for not putting your foot down for him to stop picking on her.