Mom misses birth of daughter's first child to go to other daughter's wedding. AITA?
When this mom is completely torn between two major family events, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for missing my grandchild's birth to attend my other daughter's wedding?'
I am the mother to two wonderful daughters; Sophia, 32 and Nichole 26 and I'm really not sure if I was cruel toward Sophia for my decision or not. Nichole got married this year and Sophia had her first child which is my first grandchild. Also, there is some tension between my daughters. I'll explain why later.
I've had a good relationship with both my daughters and I've always tried to make sure neither of them felt like I favored the other but I admit there were some rough patches with Sophia. When Nichole got engaged she asked if I would walk her down the aisle since her father has never been in her life. I asked her what about her uncles or brother and she said no, she wanted me.
I was more than happy to agree and helped her plan her wedding. My daughter Sophia announced her pregnancy around the beginning of the year. The timing panned out that she would be due after Nichole's wedding so she asked if I would be in the delivery room with her and stay with her and her husband for a few weeks after the baby was born to help out. I was very excited too, and since we already live in the same town and see each other almost daily, staying with her wouldn't have been a problem at all.
Instead, Sophia went into labor almost 3 weeks early; the afternoon before Nichole's wedding. I missed Sophia's first call because I was already almost 2.5 hours away where Nichole lives and helping set things up and doing last minutes errands to help. When I called her back I found out she was in labor and she wanted me to get there as soon as possible. I told Sophia I would do the best I could and would let her know immediately when I'd be there.
I explained the situation to Nichole, who understandably also wanted me to be there for her but understood that Sophia wanted me with her too. Nichole was able to move her ceremony to the morning and make it a quick 25ish minute ceremony and there would just be a few hours gap between the ceremony and reception. She said she didn't want her husband to see her in that state and felt better with me in the room than him since I had been through childbirth.
I thought this was a good compromise that would let me be there for both of my girls. I called Sophia and she wanted me to get there that night. I asked if her husband was with her and she said yes, so I asked her to please consider him as a second choice until I could get there. Sophia got upset and told me to forget about it.
I got to the hospital early the next afternoon and missed the birth by a couple of hours. Sophia was so mad she didn't want me to come in when she was moved to a room. I thought that was understandable and she would talk to me soon but it's been a couple of weeks now and I have tried to apologize to her.
Sophia was invited to the wedding but decided not to go that close to her due date because being around crowds of people had been bothering her and sensitive to a lot of smells, and didn't want to get too dressed up, which I don't blame her for that.
Also, my daughters have had some rough patches. The rough patches was the result of my divorce from Sophia's father. I found out her father was cheating on me and had a revenge affair instead of just divorcing him. I got pregnant, and yes, Sophia was hostile towards Nichole when she was younger until she learned the full truth of our divorce as a teen. After that, with family counseling, things have been good between Sophia and I and her and Nichole got along better.
I've talked to my son-in-law and he said they're both mad that I chose to ditch Sophia when she needed me most for a party. So I am here asking an outsider's perspective if I was wrong to not go to the hospital right away. AITA?
Let's find out.
newbeginnings writes:
NTA and I’m really surprised by the responses here. A wedding is not just a party. It’s a once in a lifetime event and almost by definition has parents there to celebrate (unless there’s an exceptionally strained relationship).
Childbirth is a medical procedure that usually only has 1-2 support people and in many families happens 2-3 or more times. It’s nice, but not common or even expected, to have grandma there.
And it’s not like you planned to attend one over the other. The baby came 3 weeks early. Your other daughter rescheduled her wedding (!!) in hopes of you making both work out. How anyone could assume you intended to prioritize one kid over another or that people weren’t accommodating enough considering what was done here just baffles my mind.
gravesdigger7 writes:
NAH. You did your best to be at both things, but you're only 1 person. Nichole was incredibly generous to move her ceremony. Sophia is going through a lot right now. Labor is terrifying and she is a ball of hormones right now.
I would be devastated if my mom wasn't there for my labor and birth after planning on her being (though I probably wouldn't be mad at my mom). Try and cut her a little slack while she's trying to heal from childbirth and adjust to new motherhood. I'm sure it'll all work out.
babycake2004 writes:
You know what, i'm disagreeing with people here. NAH. Birth is one of the most dangerous things a person will do by choice in life. It comes with so many risks that if it was anything else no one would ever do it, only reason we do is because the reward is so big. It is compleatly understanable that she is pissed about the only person she had there for emtional support that knew what she was going through didn't show up, that's terrifying.
There are so many stories on this sub of people during covid choosing their mothers over their husband because she's done it before and could support her right. Your daughter isn't a spolied brat like some people are saying and her upset is very understandable, to someone who just squeezed a watermellon out of her coochie of course a wedding would just seem like a part. That's a fair comparison. But I don't blame you either.
A wedding is so important to have your parents there. You not showing up would have been a huge emtional betrayle too. This was an unfair choice. It's no ones fault you had to make it and there was no right answer here. You were going to miss out on a very important moment for either of your children either way.
If you want a relationship with your grandchild listening to people on this sub would be dumb as fuck. Give her time and honestly apologise agian when needed. Be there for her when she needs you. I'm really sorry this had to happen.