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Mom gets revenge on judgemental SAHM; says 'being a mom isn't a personality.'

Mom gets revenge on judgemental SAHM; says 'being a mom isn't a personality.'

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When this mom says something rude, she asks Reddit:

'AITA for telling someone being a mother is not a personality?'

My (35F) husband and I have a daughter, Maddie (5). My friend Ollie and his wife Rebecca have a daughter, Beth (4). Ollie and I have been friends for ten years, he's been with Rebecca for six.

Rebecca and I have never had any issues, but I wouldn't say I know her very well. My husband and I settled abroad full time last year as Maddie started school. I hadn't seen Ollie in a while, so I invited him and his family to visit us for a week.

I absolutely adore Maddie, and being her mother is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. That said, the meta experience of 'motherhood' is something I just don't identify with. When I'm in social situations, I talk about Maddie when it's topical, but I don't talk about what it's like 'to be a mother', I don't talk about parenting, or kids.

Conversely, this is the only thing Rebecca, a SAHM talks about. If she's not trying to gather a consensus on parenting, she's pre-packing snacks a day in advance even though anywhere we're going is ten metres from a cafe. It can be very tiring, especially as most of the time these conversations are directed solely at me, and she can be very judgemental if I try to shut the conversation down.

So, five days into the visit we all decided to go in the hot tub after the kids went to bed. My husband was fetching drinks so when I went out to the hot tub only Rebecca and Ollie were there. Ollie asked if the swimsuit was my design (I design some of my own clothes as a hobby) and I said yes, and Rebecca commented that it was 'a bit risqué for a mom'.

At this point, I was just so tired of hearing the word come out of her mouth. I said, 'what exactly does that mean? Do you realize being a mother isn't a personality?'. Rebecca started tearing up and Ollie was trying to calm her down. Eventually, she got out and went upstairs, and Ollie thought it was best to give her some space.

He said it was a harsh thing to say considering how Rebecca throws herself into parenting, but I made the point that since I've had a kid, he doesn't treat me any differently so why is it fair that his wife does.

He said it's just different because I'm not a 'mom-ish' type mother while Rebecca is so it basically is her whole personality. The next day, I did say I was sorry if I'd upset her, and Rebecca said it was fine and she was just tired, but it was awkward the rest of the trip.

I've spoken to other friends about this and most say I was cold to say that to Rebecca because obviously being a mother is her entire identity and I basically told her it wasn't allowed to be. I understand where they're coming from but didn't she basically tell me it had to be mine, also?

People also say Rebecca's way of being is completely normal and I don't understand because all my friends are either men or don't have kids. I don't think I'm wrong for what I said, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm not the AH, so, am I?

Let's find out.

jondraper writes:

NTA. It sounds like you were patient and gracious with her until she did some outdated combo punch of body-shaming and insulting your parenting values. Being a parent is an important part of someone's identity, but everyone holds that differently. Nothing about the way you are a mom is harmful to her and you did a fine 'live and let live' until you had to defend yourself.

ta589 writes:

NTA but there are HUGE circles where “being a mom” is supposed to be your only identity. I’m with you. I just had a friend tell me she hopes I withdraw my job application (for a part time job I would love!) because I should only be staying home with my kids.

Motherhood is sometimes an all consuming part of my life. But my kids are also younger and I know they’ll grow out of this. In the meantime I still do things for myself and by myself because while I am a mom that is not my only identity and I don’t want it to be.

farcup7 writes:

NTA but your words must have sounded harsh to her. I get it because I’m not a “mommy” kind of mom either. Never had the mini-van, didn’t do play dates or soccer, basically did motherhood my way and my now-adult daughter is still a joy.

Looks like OP is NTA. What is your take on having a 'mom' personality?

Sources: Reddit
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