'My best friend demotivates me from dating. Should I distance myself?'

"My best friend demotivates me from dating. Should I distance myself?"

I've been best friends with this girl since college, so 10 years since I met her at a school camping trip. I've seen her go through things, and she's done the same for me. She's always been the most supportive person in my life, and I like to think I am hers too.

If I ever need someone to have my back, it's her. If she needs a shoulder to cry on, it's me. She's supported and financed my hobbies and interests, I dragged her out of her shell and helped her make new friends. She's the best, and she's always said the same thing about me.

The thing is, I've been wanting to date women for a long time, I've had several girlfriends before and none of them stuck. I took a break from dating for almost 3 years now, and I mostly just spent a lot of my social energy with her. Honestly, I kinda don't want to get back to dating now.

She just, covers most of what I need from a girlfriend, ie companionship and support. Sure, I'm not making out with her, or sleeping with her, but I realized I don't need it as much as I thought? It's the companionship I'm after, and she's so easy to just be with.

I'm wondering if it's a smart idea to get some distance from her, so I can start dating again? I just feel bad about leaving her a bit just so I can date again. It's funny because she's called me out on it before. She could tell I had a new GF because I'd stop talking to her and asking her to hangout.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

fightmaxmaster said:

I kind of get this - going back a few years, around your age, I saw a female friend of mine multiple times a week, we'd go to the cinema regularly, hang out at each other's houses, never dated or similar, nothing romantic.

We did vaguely wonder if it was stopping us dating properly, but also figured that if we really wanted to date or go looking, we would! She was more proactive on that front than me, did start dating someone (now married), and that in part prompted me to start online dating, and I'm now married too. We're still good friends, just see each other less due to time/kids/work.

My point is I think you're somewhat kidding yourself if you think that hanging out with her is somehow stopping you dating. You don't need distance from her to motivate yourself, because if you wanted to date, you would be! So figure out if you really want to start dating, and/or if long term you think you're doing yourself a disservice by not dating.

I'd also note it's perfectly possible to date while being friends with her - not everyone will be OK with a close female friend, but then those women aren't right for you anyway. My wife liked that I had female friends when we started dating, to her it was a green flag.

Everyone's different. And if/when you do start dating, don't then stop talking to/hanging out with her, that makes it seem like you're just using her for companionship rather than actually valuing your relationship with her as a person.

In short, distancing yourself from her is putting the cart before the horse in some ways, treating the symptom not the disease, for want of a better metaphor. If you want to date, date. Some distance will naturally emerge.

It might just be that at your age you don't really want a serious relationship, so it's hard to motivate yourself to put the time/effort into someone you know you're not that bothered about being with. Of course it could be you actually really want to date your friend, but that's simplistic, just had to be mentioned on the off chance!

Birds_over_people said:

It's possible you are just taking "the easy way out" here. Have you considered what would happen if your friend suddenly found an s/o herself? My gf has many female friends, and while I want to be the primary person in her life I think it's healthy she has other people to talk and hang out with.

charismatictictic said:

Why can’t you just date, and still be friends with her? You are fairly young, and if you get a girlfriend, you’ll probably feel like you have all you need in terms of intimacy and support, but having close friends is so important for your quality of life. And while it’s normal to spend a little less time with a friend when youre in a new relationship, you can’t just put your friends on hold and expect them to be there for you later.

You could always talk to her about this, you seem close enough to have that conversation. But just ask yourself who’s gonna be there for you when you fall head over heels in love, and have your heart broken.

Conscious_Koala_6519 said:

So it's annoying there are obviously different layers to love, intimacy and relationships. You have a good relationship with her but she obviously isn't the "girl that your looking for"/you are thinking that the part you see isn't actually what you "truly" want.

And maybe she is similar thoughts but in her own way...Annoyingly she's probably right for you as a real partner .. you sadly think you thought a partner would look like something else...Our brains are horrible to us...

Level-Control3068 said:

2 options. 1. Date anyway. 2. Date her.