'My fiancée behaved inappropriately, I called off the wedding. Now she's begging.' UPDATED

"My fiancée behaved inappropriately at a party, I called off the wedding. Now she's begging me for a second chance..."

We were scheduled to get married in September. She has a six year old son. I get along really well with him. He's easy to get along with. She had been insisting that I meet his dad's family, cause she's still close with them. I met one of her ex-brothers-in-law at a restaurant by chance, and he gave me grief about "stealing his brother's wife." He was a drunk idiot who wanted to get physical.

I met her when she had been divorced for 3 years, and separated for 4, but I guess this guy still sees her as his brother's property. She has been insisting that the rest of them are nothing like this one idiot, and they're really educated and classy. I still never wanted to meet them. I had started to feel like a jerk so I finally agreed to attend birthday party at the house of one of her former in laws. Bad Idea.

As soon as we arrived, she was greeted by a bunch of men, all former in laws and some of them hugged her inappropriately, and a couple of them touched her when they hugged her. She was sober at this point. I pulled her aside and confronted her about it, and she totally denied it, said that she didn't feel it, that I was imagining things, that she would slap anybody who did that.

She started drinking and the flirting got worse. She was soon doing body shots with a bunch of these men, all family members or friends of her ex, who was not in attendance. Then she was dancing with some of them while grinding all over each other. Their hands were ALL OVER HER.

They were kissing her neck while dancing, and she was into all of this. From the looks of it, that's how she behaves around this group all the time. There's no way this was a one time deal. I decided to leave, and she stayed. She called me at about 2AM begging me to pick her up cause some of the guys were making her feel unsafe. I didn't pick her up.

I had never seen this side of her. We've drank together many times, but the events we go to don't get as wild as that one. They're more civilized adult events that are pretty tame by comparison.

The next evening she showed up at my house acting like nothing had happened. I confronted her, and she said I was exaggerating. She also said that they would always be like family to her so that I need to get over it, as far as her being close with them.

I told her that I wasn't willing to get over it, so she said that I could always call off the wedding cause she wasn't gonna give up life long friends for me then she stormed out. I called her and told her it was over, and she said "Good!"

It's been three weeks, and now she's calling me and e-mailing me a ton of apologies. She says that we need to talk. I texted her that we had talked, and she responded that she couldn't believe that I could be so immature as to end this relationship over a "petty fight."

I don't think I'm compatible with this woman anymore after what I saw that night. I just would never behave that way while in a relationship, and I can't marry somebody who finds that okay. We've been together for two years, and I'm in love with her, but I'm terrified that if I marry her, this is gonna happen again. I feel like this is a red flag that I can't ignore.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

generousheart said:

You're smart to stay away from that mess. It sounds like you'd be marrying into a bizarre "family" dynamic, never able to separate the woman you love from the gross boundary crossing ex-in-laws. You'd have the same fight every year.

ProbablyGoodAdvice said:

Not only were her actions completely inappropriate, she didn't take your concerns seriously and she tried to turn the whole situation around on you. Just one of those three would be enough for a breakup, in my opinion.

In addition to that, she only comes back crying AFTER she realizes you weren't bluffing? She's not sorry for her actions, she's sorry that you're leaving, especially if she thinks that what happened was a "petty fight." It sounds like you've already made your mind up and you're looking for confirmation of your decision. Do what you think is best for you.

slopoker said:

I don't think you're being too harsh at all. Those were some rather disturbing things she was doing at that party. Drunk or not. The fact she was doing those things right in FRONT of you is doubly disturbing.

She then tried to play it down. THEN she referred to your reaction as "petty"? WTF?? Based on your story, I don't blame you one bit for having second thoughts and called off the wedding. Bullet dodged. Take care of yourself. All the best.

nerdy_vanilla said:

Given the situation, I think you behaved as you should. The disrespect and the lack of sensitivity towards your needs and feeling around the situation was obviously not her priority in the least. This "family" should never take priority over the relationship she has with you...Good for you for standing up for yourself.

[deleted] said:

It would only get worse. Imagine how she'd behave after 7 years of marriage (the 7 year itch)? Move on my friend, and good luck.

BobMacActual said:

Good call, bro. I'm a little surprised that you didn't spot any warning signs before, but still, good call. You did the right thing in dumping her. Now keep doing it.

After reading some of the comments, OP edited the post to include:

I admit that that was wrong. I did tell her to call 911, but I was too angry to drive there. I also suspected that if I showed up, given the crowd there, a fight would break out. I didn't want to get hurt, or hurt a drunk person to the point where I get thrown in prison.

UPDATE:

I spoke to my ex once on the phone and she stuck to her story that I had imagined most of what happened at the party, that I was tired and probably was seeing things that didn't really happened. I hung up the phone. I can't argue against that. I can't see myself debating her over what happened when I feel she's not even operating in reality. It's really frustrating to have that conversation with someone.

Of course, a mutual friend of ours asked me to meet him for a beer and six of them showed up to confront me about my fucked up behavior towards my ex. This time I told them everything but just as I thought they knew the story but they were under the impression that I was extremely drunk and therefore not able to see things clearly.

I started out by telling them the real truth, and went from there to defending myself from the drunk accusation, to telling them to f off out of my life. I cussed out the guy that called me to invite me for setting this up. I was so mad cause they all tried to keep up this charade that he honestly invited just ME for a beer and the rest of them just happened to show up on an unrelated outing.

They're just like my ex, they try to make you believe BS that's just so out of touch with reality that it makes you want to punch somebody. But then if you do, you're the one who looks crazy cause you got violent. It's like they drive you to the edge of insanity with their ridiculous BS and then they back off when they see you're about to lose it. I don't know how I ever got involved with this cult of crazy aholes.

But just as I figured she kept calling, texting, e-mailing to the point where my sister was worried that she might do something crazy to me. Some days she would text me 40-50 times. I changed my phone number, and to this day I'm pretty sure she still doesn't have the new one.

My sister has been telling me that she sees her car pass by our house sometimes. I wasn't sure cause her car is a very common make/model and color. But I wouldn't put it past her. There was one really bad crazy out of this world scene that scared me a bit.

I had not been really scared that she might do something crazy but I'm not sure now. She knocked on my door one evening probably around 7 PM, and I ignored her. She knocked so much that I considered calling the cops. But I ignored her and the knocking stopped.

My sister came home around 2AM and calls me to tell me that my ex is sitting on the ground outside the front door. So my sister backed out of the driveway and drove off and called me from down the block.

I went outside and my ex started crying and telling me how sorry she was about everything she'd done. When I told her to go home, she wrapped her arms around my legs really tight while kneeling and said she wasn't going to leave until I forgave her and promised the wedding would be back on.

I couldn't get her off of me so I warned her that she had to go or I would call the police and she ignored my pleas so I called the cops. This was the most embarrassing thing I've ever been through. The first cop that showed up was this really tough looking lady with a flat top hair cut.

As she approached us she had a "What the fuck!" look on he face. I could tell she was like "am I seeing this right?" (I see this cop a lot around town now, it's embarrassing). All the cop had to do was say "ma'am you're gonna have to let go of his legs." My ex complied immediately.

She took her to the patrol car and told me she'd be right back. After putting her in the back of the patrol car she came back and just said, "ok, I imagine there's history between you two so tell me how we got here."

I told her the story and she told me that if I didn't press charges it would be impossible to get a restraining order. She said that she's never seen a jilted lover, man or woman, behave the way my ex has been behaving without it ending in up with somebody getting gravely injured.

I felt like crap and didn't want to give her a criminal record but I did it. But she said "we're also talking about keeping your sister safe. Don't underestimate your ex." Before the cops left my house, one of them told me that when they interviewed my sister they asked point blank "why did you back out of the driveway when you saw her?" My sister apparently said "because I feared for my life."

I don't know what's happening to her legally, but at the restaurant where I met those people for a beer, they told me that her son is living with her mother. They implied that I got her in trouble so her son is with his grandma now but I don't see how that would happen so quickly seeing as how we don't have a court date until later this month.

I think she just dumped him there. I don't know anymore, nor do I care. There have been other unreal incidents where I was confronted by me ex but I don't want to write a whole novel.

Edit: Not that it matters but just for the record. It was a male friend who asked me to meet him for a beer, and it was five females that showed up later for the "intervention." He just sat there and watched the whole time. It looked like they just used him to get me there.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

Kijamon said:

What better way to convince a guy to put a wedding back on than inviting him for a drink then ambushing him with 5 other guys to try and convince him he's crazy. Haha. Good job, op. Atomic bomb of crazy dodged.

calamityjo said:

Don't be embarrassed by the incident with the cop. I bet that cop respects you. And she probably would have had someone beat you in return. OP you shouldn't feel embarrassed. You should feel damn proud of yourself for handling this like a mature adult.

giraffeneck45 said:

You did the right thing. Don't underestimate how unhinged she is acting. Safety comes first. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she won't be a danger to you, as well.

rabbitsrule said:

This is totally a rhetorical question: After the original incident at the party, if she had owned up to her behavior and apologized for being disrespectful to you and said she wouldn't do that again, would you have taken her back?

Iguessyoureright said:

I'm not even in this situation and I find myself breathing a sigh of relief that you've pressed charges. You have no idea how much that has saved your future.

dp15 said:

Man I feel for you. I'm sorry you have to deal with so many crazies. I hope you can distance yourself.

When a commenter asked for specifics on the "unreal incidents," OP responded:

One night I was at this sushi restaurant having dinner with a friend from work. Now this place is huge and there's a bar upstairs and one downstairs. We were in the dining room downstairs but I could see the bar upstairs from where I was sitting. It was pretty crowded and I spotted her up at the bar with this guy.

She's all over him and their kissing and hugging and just drinking and having a good time. So at first I was a little jealous again like at the party. But then I realized that she's not my girlfriend anymore and I should be glad she's moving on so maybe she'll stop pestering me now.

I decided to walk upstairs and just walk past her and say hi so she knows that I saw her and so she'll know that if she had a chance before, this would seal it, it's over. I walked by and as I'm passing her I tapped her shoulder and said "hi, how are you good to see you see you later." She gives me this hand in the cookie jar look, and says "hey who are you here with?" I said a friend, and kept walking.

Then I get downstairs and sit down thinking that's the end of it but nope. She walks up to my table tells me that this guy upstairs had put his hand on her butt and that she slapped him and that he was saying crude things, treating her like a lady of the night, and trying to take her home with him.

I just pointed up towards the bar upstairs so she could see I had a clear view and said "I watched you for half an hour you're making out with him the whole time. I don't care what you do just leave me alone, I don't want you in my life." So she starts crying and pulling my arm and telling me to go outside so we can talk. I refused and she got louder and louder and kept tugging at my arm.

She made a freaking scene that night. This incident scared me a little, not for my safety but for her. She looked unstable that night for some reason. My friend just sat there shocked. Everybody was staring even the chefs behind the sushi bar were staring and talking to each other while pointing us. God only knows what they were saying.

The manager came over and asked if everything was ok. My ex just cried and kept saying "just come home with me" over and over and over again. It was a little surreal the way she was talking. I said "we're just having dinner, she's barging in and we need her to go away." Her date came downstairs and tried to put his arms around her to walk her away and she resisted and they got into it and he gave up and just left.

The manager kicked her out of the restaurant. We finished our dinner and walked to his car cause mine was about 6 blocks away. As we approached his car she walks up out of nowhere and starts crying again telling me that I have to go with her and she can explain the whole thing. But his time it was her, her date and some other guy.

I told him "take your girlfriend home she's drunk." He just stood there like an idiot watching her. The other guy started egging on her date to kick my butt. For some reason he was more worked up than her date.

We get in the car and my friend backs out but when he tried to drive forward she stood in the way. Like if we would have to run her over to leave. My friend (who had kept remarkable composure the whole time, probably cause he's in his 50's and has seen a lot) finally turns to me and asks, "now, how do you know this girl?"

I wanted to laugh from the frustration mixed with the anger and pain and just disbelief. I told him I used to be engaged to her. He gets out of the car and tells her that if she doesn't move he's calling the cops. Her date and the other guy walked over to her and physically moved her while she fought them the whole time.

We drove off and the cops didn't have to be called that night. I work with this guy and he's not my boss but he probably will be sometime soon the way he's going. So I gave him a brief summary of my history with her and he seemed to understand my position. But I don't know if he's gonna go thinking I'm crazy or unstable to have ever gotten engaged to her.