"My husband wants to separate out of the blue..."
My (37f) husband (37m) and I have been together for 14 years. We have been married for 9.5 of those years. We have 4 children (twins boys), a 7 year old boy, and a 17 year old boy. Things are stressful with the twins, us both working full time, and just not having time for ourselves (or each other).
Our kids were very much planned, we aren’t struggling financially, but we are just jam packed busy all day, every day. Yesterday, seemingly out of nowhere, my husband says he wants to separate. He says “I think it would be less stressful if it was just me and the kids” and “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
He also said “I just want to do things without worrying about the thoughts, feelings, or judgement of others” referring to me. He says I’m judgmental and brought us comments I made like 6 years ago. When I say this came out of nowhere, I mean it just hit me like a freight train.
We don’t have a bad marriage, we are equal contributors with chores and finances. We are intimate 1-2 times a week. I wish it could be more but we’re exhausted. He’s usually saying he’s not cheating and I’m not the jealous type, but dang I kinda don’t believe him. I’m so heartbroken. This is not how I imagined things between us. Thanks for listening everyone.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
khaleesi_36 said:
I don’t have any additional thoughts since there’s not much to go on here, but taking you at face value it seems very strange to me. But I did look through your comment history and wanted to see if you think any of these things could have had an impact on your marriage or husband greater than you might realize:
1) Losing a child in 2022
2) You being depressed and in bed for months after losing that child
3) Hair thinning the last couple of years
4) Losing weight recently
5) Breast reduction (?) surgery 20 days ago
The death of our child definitely impacted us. I went through a severe depression for months. I worked my way through it’s still very difficult. But you’re right, so many things can impact us in different ways.
[deleted] said:
Two options: 1) He's an ahole and is hiding something. 2) You've been more critical, judgmental, and nagging than you care to admit, he tried telling you, and wants the kids raised in a non critical environment and is done. Obviously no way for me to know. At all. Perhaps, if it is 2, you can tell him you want to change and fix things. If its 1, nothing you can do.
Dismal_Win5483 said:
He thinks it would be easier! Jokes on him. He is delusional if he he thinks it would be easier to be a single parent.
Hour-Seat-7630 said:
He is cheating and now wants a life without the responsibilities of a family. He is tired of the life you have and wants freedom to enjoy life without the burden of a family and on his terms. You are hurting right now, but you have to start thinking a head for the future.
Many times affairs happen when the spouse is spending most of the time at work and a workplace relationship develops. Get prepared, get a lawyer and lay out what his responsibilities are going to be. Look at your life and learn from it. You need a social life as well.
But think this thing over carefully and make decisions outside of hurt and pain. I know because I’ve been there. Let him have the kids and share custody. Even if they stayed with you, you have to share custody and holidays.
DiplomaticRD said:
There feels like a lot of missing missing reasons here. You seem to point out what's fine in your life (good finances, kids you love, maintaining a nice home) but say nothing real about your relationship.
Do you guys laugh, joke, have fun, support each other, have talks about your life goals and dreams? What exactly is going on at home that your husband finds you to be a source of stress?
windy_storm22 said:
You felt like “some outside force” was pulling him from you. He also wouldn’t let you look through his phone. Seems obvious to me he has met someone else.
FIRST UPDATE:
I have an update on my husband wanting to separate out of the blue. It was the just days before Thanksgiving when he blurted out that he wanted a separation. I was blindsided and have been a wreck ever since. I still work, cook, clean, etc. but I’m just trying to be more intentional, thoughtful, and show acts of kindness.
We’ve talked a lot this past month and he always says things like “it feels like there’s a hole in the ship and all I have is a bandaid.” He also says that I don’t love him. When I ask why he feels unloved he says “I can just tell.”
Mind you I’ve always been vocal about how much I loved my husband. I compliment him, tell him I appreciate him, and don’t pick fights or try to be snappy with him. I genuinely try to be positive most of the time. I am a human so I will admit I get tired of his dismissive/avoidant tendencies. But I don’t blow up.
So onto the present. Ever since he asked for a separation my spider senses have been through the roof. It’s just not like him to resort to a separation. We have been through hard times but we NEVER speak of divorce or separation.
He’s more distant, cold, and won’t even smile at me. It’s like he’s left me already, despite saying he’ll try to work on things. He says “we don’t have anything in common” and now he he’s critical of my body, my humor, and just anything really. I’m gonna get ripped apart of this but I couldn’t help myself.
I went grabbed his phone and said I’d like to look through it. He jumped up and got physically aggressive to stop me. I didn’t even get a chance to see anything before he took it. He’s not a physical person. I feel like it solidified my fears of him talking to another person. I am not asking for advice but I guess I just thought I’d put this into the void.
SECOND UPDATE:
It’s a a few weeks since the last update. Apologies for rambling too. So where we left off is I wanted to look through my husband’s phone but he became physically aggressive. The next day I asked to see his phone and he begrudgingly gave it over. I didn’t see anything suspicious because I think he deleted anything that could look bad.
He continued to keep his personal phone and work phone within arms length 100% of the time. He also changed his passwords. He uses discord for betting nonstop. I think he might be using that to communicate to someone. I just can’t shake the feeling of infidelity even though I don’t have concrete (or any) proof.
His attitude and behaviors are so cold and callous it’s like I don’t even know him. He started sleeping in another room and doesn’t really respond to my texts/calls. He travels for work once every other week and when he’s gone it’s like he’s unreachable.
The fights about dishonesty continued and I am made to think I’m the crazy one. He ended up leaving for a weekend out of anger and went to a casino. He didn’t call to check on our kids all weekend. I literally came home from work on a Friday and he was gone. Fast forward to two weeks ago when I get the mail. I have small children who get into everything.
I kid you not my toddler ripped open several pieces of mail which happened to include my husband’s credit card statement/transaction history. On 12/2 he spent $600 at a gentleman’s club while working out of town. He’s a recovering alcoholic (previously 6 years sober) and drank at that club.
I also noticed the balance on that card was $18,000. I asked him if he was hiding anything and he lied directly to me. A few days later he confessed and seemed genuinely sorry. Said he wants to keep our marriage intact.
Over the past couple of weeks it’s been hot/cold with us. He says he wants to work on staying married but “I don’t plan on changing.” He also stood me up for our first day of marriage counseling. I’ve been asking to see what’s coming in/going out of his bank account because I think he has a gambling issue.
He flat out refuses to show me any financial information saying “it’s none of your business” and “I need some form of privacy.” We don’t share bank accounts. I was able to see a few different credit card statements this month and it looks like he’s about $42,000 in debit. He won’t say what he’s spending the money on.
I spoke to my attorney and she strongly advised me to wait until the 10 year mark to divorce because of social security (he’s the higher earner and when I retire I could draw off his??). I can’t wait that long. I’m so miserable and want to divorce asap. I’m leaving a lot of stuff out but I think I put the important stuff in. I feel crazy. Thanks for listening everyone.
THIRD UPDATE/RECAP:
I’m going to file for divorce. If you asked me a year ago, or even 6 months ago I would never have imagined myself in this position. I have been with my husband for 16 years (9.5 years married). In November he blurted out that “we should just separate.” It was such a shock.
We have children and full time jobs so I always figured we were trucking along through this season of our lives until things became easier with the kids (we have 2 year old twins). There have never been any issues with trust or infidelity in all of our years together. I could bet my life on my husband’s commitment to me and our children…until November.
I noticed that his work cell and personal cell never left his side. The phones are either in his pocket or right next to him. He started sleeping in another room, sex is almost nonexistent (not for my lack of trying). As soon as he told me about the separation he became cold, distant, and detached.
I asked if there was someone else and he says I’m crazy. But on the few occasions I’ve tried to see his cell phone (I know please don’t come for me) he’s gotten aggressive.
He travels for work and his trips to the city have become weekly (he stays in a hotel for 2 nights at a time). He changed his phone passwords. He spent hundreds of dollars at a strip club right before Christmas. He’s addicted to sports betting online and I also accidentally discovered about $40,000 in credit card debt he had been hiding.
I asked to see the bank/credit card statements and he refused saying “it’s none of your business.” Basically nothing is any of my business. We don’t share bank accounts but it’s always been understood we will be transparent about what comes in or out of the accounts.
Lastly, he’s planning on moving out of our newly built home to “take a break.” We spent so much time on our home and worked so hard to earn it, so him leaving it feels so odd. I highly suspect infidelity but can’t prove it. I asked what goals he’d like to accomplish while we live apart and he couldn’t come up with any, just that “I need time away from you.”
Meanwhile he’s not done any counseling, read a book, or anything to try and improve himself or our marriage. He wants to stay married but I think it’s only to keep me around so he be a married single man. He also knows he’s going to be on the hook for child support and spousal support if I file. Anyways, today I told my lawyer to begin the paperwork. Thanks for reading if you got this far