'My mother-in-law from hell (I mean, New Jersey)'...UPDATED 3X

"My mother-in-law from hell (I mean, New Jersey)"...

4 years ago, I (f32) fell in love with a man. Let's call him S (m37). He was, and is, perfection in my eyes. His mother? Overbearing, controlling, "Respect your elders whether they respect you or not" type.

In the past, we have had issues that have resulted in the cops being called because she attempted to throw an eighty-pound wicker chair off of a second story balcony at me, because I called her son, who is my fiancé, on the phone. When we found out I was pregnant with our daughter, we thought things might be different. We were wrong.

When people would congratulate me and my fiancé upon seeing my pregnant belly, she would tell them, "Thank you, I appreciate her carrying the baby for me!" like, I'm a surrogate! Because she was forced to retire early because she was causing so many problems at her job, she gets very little retirement money a month and can not afford to live on her own in Florida.

At the time, we agreed that she could move in with us, She was being kind. It changed rather quickly. So here's the current situation: i am working forty hours a week from home for a very well-known company, and my fiance is a mechanic who works forty hours a week right down the road.

She watches the baby while I'm working in exchange for me paying a large portion of her rent. She insists she has all of these injuries that doctors tell her she doesn't have, and therefore, she can't do anything around the house or for herself.

(Tells people she has osteoporosis and neuropathy when the doctors have told her she doesn't, she's gone through many doctors who have all told her the same thing, and she tells them they don't know what they're talking about, and she knows) S has a rough past with her because she gave up on him at 4 years old.

Anyway, she has been making demands that she needs things done for her when she wants them done, no matter how late we were up with the baby or how busy we were at work, or how many other things we have to do around the house. (Example: she wants us to go scrub the backseat of her car out for her.)

She has been playing this game where she is as nice as possible when her son is around, but as soon as he leaves, she's disrespectful. So I started recording the way she treats me, and he acknowledged it, so she started doing it in front of him with zero care. He tries so hard to put her in her place, but she learns nothing. He's convinced she's either in the early stages of dementia or narcissistic.

When I told her that she is not going to disrespect me in a house that I pay a majority of the bills for and do a majority of the chores for she told me, and I quote, " you will respect your elders, no matter how they treat you". I have tried for 4 years to be nice. When this woman is constantly talking down to both of us and demanding that we do things with our child that we don't agree with.

(Letting her head hit the floor, not wiping her girl parts out when she poops? etc) The past 3 days have been nonstop negativity in our house. We don't have money problems, my fiancé and I are closer than ever, and our baby is healthy. We have a beautiful home and a gorgeous siamese cat named Bandit.

SHE is our only problem, and when boundaries get set, she ignores them completely. She's on our lease, and we can't stand it anymore. So tell me, am I wrong for wanting the respect I deserve when I'm working hard, treating her son and grandbaby like gold, and am the ONLY one to clean the whole house?!?! (Including vacuuming and dusting HER room, the master, that she insisted on getting).

NOTE: The only thing stopping my significant other from going no contact right now is that the lease? It has her name on it. She has caused problems with the neighbors in the past three places she has lived, and we were not aware of that until we moved in here with her.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Xgirly789 said:

As soon as the lease is up kick her out. Stop paying her bills or rent. Change all the Internet passwords. Take away her access to streaming. Don't talk to her unless it's basic and polite conversation. And for the love of god find a different babysitter.

XSmartypants said:

You weren’t wrong for wanting to be respected however you’re wrong for expecting it. She’s never going to do it. You are gonna have to find a way to get her out. NTA.

coralcoast21 said:

Is she on the lease as a responsible party or as an authorized resident? If she's an equal party to the lease, there's probably nothing to do but wait it out. If she's just a resident, there may be a way to legally boot her.

A real estate attorney wouldn't charge much for a 15-minute consultation/lease review. But it's definitely not DIY territory. The last thing you want to do it give her any leverage by doing something wrong.

nolaz said:

You need to find alternate childcare ASAP. Not cleaning your daughter properly is neglect and if your spouse is right about the dementia, anything could happen.

Better_Buddy_8507 said:

I would put her in a home, for your child sake, this is so disturbing. You deserve a healthy and respectful home for your family

MINI UPDATE:

She started a fight with our downstairs neighbor and we're most likely getting evicted.

FIRST UPDATE:

SHE IS MOVING OUT! We have hired a close friend as a full time babysitter, and she is moving by the 15th of this month. The neighbors told the leasing office that we (fiancee, baby, and I) are loved and they want us here, and that she is the problem. So she's leaving, and will have supervised visits with the baby. Things are looking up. Will update again if anything goes wrong. Thank you to all who gave advice and shared similar stories. I feel less alone.

SECOND UPDATE:

Police just left. Yesterday, she got aggressive with my daughter because she wasn't paying attention to her. Babysitter stepped in and she tried to attack her. Today, when told she cannot see the baby, proceeded to try to shove past me to get to her.

Then threw herself on the floor, called the police, and told them I threw her (me 115 lbs her 289lbs) Changed her story so much with the police they were rolling their eyes at her.

THIRD UPDATE:

SHE'S GONE. A few weeks ago, she ripped the thermostat off the wall because we wouldn't let her set the temp to 90 in FLORIDA with a bay in the house. Police made her put it back up. The community, the police, and the Department of Children and Families agreed there's something wrong with her, and she had to go.

She signed papers, and lied to us about her expected move out day, but, when she threw LITERAL CAT CRAP at me, and then came at me AND HER SON with a baseball bat, the truth came out, and she was told to leave the property immediately.

She hired our friend to help her move, bragged to him that she took her cat and killed him (he was 24 and old, but still) she walked down the hallway yelling, "you can close the door, the cat isn't there. He's DEAD HAHA. WHAT THE F HAHA!"and proceeded to threaten to call the police on the mover because he didnt respond to her IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

My man, my little girl, and I are happier than ever. Tomorrow is my birthday AND our anniversary, and its so nice to not have to worry anymore. I appreciate everyone's point of view, and thanks for the support! Lots of love from this little family to you all!