'My wife is planning an affair and she doesn't know that I know...' UPDATED

"My wife is planning an affair and she doesn't know that I know..."

Before being married, my wife and I texted some naughty photos and videos to a guy she used to hook up with before she met me. He still had the hots for her, and it was something that we did together to spice up our life.

He sent back really nice notes and got really into her/us, which basically excited my wife and made her feel good. This was something that we did together, so we both got benefit. She was a lot more frisky, more confident, and we had amazing physical connection. I suppose it turned me on to know that I had something that he wanted, as stupid as that sounds.

After that experience, she was very open that he would text randomly, but she never responded. She even showed me the phone to prove that she is honoring our relationship and not doing anything behind my back.

Now, fast forward 3 years, and we are married. I approached my wife in October about our intimate life losing passion. My wife is the type of girl where we can talk about these sorts of things and be completely open and honest with one-another. She understood and we promised to work on it.

Around Halloween time, she mentioned it might be fun to text that same guy (Eric). I was game since it worked so well for us last time. We sent him a video/pictures and my wife got really really into it and we had amazing time. Everyone likes getting attention and to feel attractive, so I get why she had that reaction. I, sometimes, wish I would get noticed more by the opposite gender.

However, this time the texting continued beyond that one day. She was very open and honest with me that they would check in with each other and text a little throughout the day.

After this went on for about a week, I confronted her about him and all the texting. She confessed that they had been texting more and that she was really enjoying the conversation and attention from him. I told her that I would prefer her to keep the attention more R-rated (sending pictures back and forth) opposed to talking about real life things.

I would feel more comfortable if this was purely a fantasy thing, and that she wasn't off having an "emotional affair." She agreed and reiterated that this guy lives out of the country and that she isn't interested in leaving me for him or jeopardizing our marriage...it's just "refreshing" to talk to someone new and he makes her feel good.

After this period, I noticed that she has been a little weird with her phone. Going in other rooms to text, taking the phone with her in the shower, and really not letting it out of sight. The very next day she sent me two spicy photos and a video... which was totally out of character.

I figured that she probably made them for him and just sent it to me too? When I asked her about it, she said that she made them only for me...that she was just trying to do something nice. I called her bluff and she showed me her phone...sure enough, the pictures were not there in her text to him.

However, I took it one step farther and asked to see her computer (which also shows her texts)... and voila, there they were. She lied to me, sent him the photos too, and then deleted the texts off her phone, not realizing copies still exist on her computer.

We had a very long talk about boundaries at this point. I told her that if she continues to talk to him, that she needs to be honest with me. That there shouldn't be anything that she says to him that would hurt my feelings or that she would want to hide.

She also promised never to ever see him or call him...just send flirty texts. I explained that if I ever found out that they met or hooked up, I would be devastated and it would be the end to our 2 year marriage. I reiterated that this is something that we used to do together that benefited us both...and now it seems to be single sided.

After this point, I got really suspicious of her since I already caught her in one lie. So, I thought of a plan....I got her old computer out of closet, which still had her Apple ID auto-filled so I could monitor their messages. I would do this when she was not around, and there was no risk to getting caught snooping through her phone or primary computer.

I was DEVASTATED. They talked about work, her business, my dog, and random stuff. Yes, there was a lot of physical stuff too...but I was devastated because you could tell she actually has feelings for him.

They often reminisce about how much chemistry they had and how the physical connection was amazing. She even admitted that she is bummed when she doesn't hear from him. To be fair, she never bad-mouthed me, our marriage, or said anything negative about me at all.

But the real devastation occurred when she asked if he would ever be interested in meeting. She asked him...not the other way around. She even joked that they would have to meet in a very public place because "her clothes wouldn't last 5 minutes".... to which he replied "you'd be in trouble even in public."

Now, two months has passed and they have been chatting pretty much everyday. They have brought up the meeting several times and hammered out a date, as he will be in town near where her dad lives. She did mention that they need to go over rules, but no specifics were mentioned.

This entire time, I have been trying to act normal around my wife. Even though I am really really hurting on the inside, I am doing my best to keep cool. I even make snide remarks like "maybe you should go text your BF" and stuff like that.

We even had a conversation that I worry that she thinks about him more than me...and that when we are intimate, that she is thinking of him. She said I was acting crazy and that isn't the case at all. That I excite her and that they don't really text much any more (which is a lie because I read them all and know that they text almost every day).

Now that their rendezvous is approaching, I don't know what to do. She has already told me that she plans to take time off work after Christmas. When I pressed the issue, she said that she just wants to spend time with me and have a staycation. I am guessing that she will lie on the 27th or 28th and say that her dad is sick and that she wants to go check on him or something like that.

I feel like I need to know the truth. Is she going to meet with him, even though it would violate the boundary we set. Do I hire a PI to investigate and document the encounter? Do I just monitor their texts and see if any exchanges indicate intimacy? If I confront her now, I feel like the truth would haunt me forever... I feel like I have to know if she is a cheater.

We have no kids, however we do each own our separate and unrelated businesses. I make much more than her and I have another house in my name from before I met. I don't know if I want to walk away or make it work...

I don't think I can forgive her for having a premeditated affair and violating terms we specifically outlined. What if they aren't intimate and they kept things innocent, should I still feel violated?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

h0nestly-- said:

For F's sake, OP. She's already crossed the line so many times. Have some dignity and leave.

DigitalMocking said:

Why are you playing this weird game of knowing she's making plans to fuck some other guy but not talking with her about it? I just don't understand that. Talk to your wife, tell her you know about her plans on the 28th to meet this guy and heck, and you're not ok about it, get some therapy or split up.

[deleted] said:

Keep quiet and lawyer up. She's sneaking around behind your back, give her the legal version of her own medicine.

introvertedknitter said:

Why wait? Tell her what you know! She's not being faithful and you should get out.

larebareblog said:

Yeah, that's a crappy situation. Regardless of what happens, I cannot ever imagine you being able to trust her, or shake the images of those texts or of them together. It's over.

dasguy40 said:

Your marriage is over, your wife is a cheater. Here's what you do. Since you say other places you want concrete evidence. Hire your PI like you want, have him follow her on that day and if she goes through with it(which she will). Wherever they are, have your guy serve the papers on the spot. You should of cut this off the minute she lied.

UPDATE:

I took into consideration all of your comments and decided that I would confront her...without divulging everything I know. I approached her and asked if she was still texting "Eric" and she replied "on occasion." While this isn't entirely truthful, it was at least a step in the right direction.

I went on to say that I was really uncomfortable with the whole situation and that I felt she was talking to him too much behind my back. That I didn't even realize that she was still texting him and that obviously she was doing a better job at being discreet about it.

She got kind of defensive saying that their conversations are completely "innocent" and that "he lives far away" and that "there is no way they could ever meet" (again, this is a total lie). My response to her was "if the conversations are totally innocent and you value and respect our marriage, then you should have no problems stopping all communications with him."

You could tell she was upset about the whole situation and even brought up the topic later that day. She asked again why she has to stop talking to him when everything was innocent...

...then later called me controlling. She then showed me the messages back and forth between her and Eric. Immediately I knew that she had filtered many of the message back and forth... both getting rid of the most risque stuff and reducing the frequency.

After I asked her point blank to her face if she had altered or deleted any of the messages, she looked at me with a really sad face, paused and said "yes." She then started to cry and came clean on everything. She admitted that she had feelings for him and that she really does enjoy talking to him.

She also admitted that he had asked to meet and that it was something that she "sorta wanted to do" (this is somewhat untrue since she was the one who asked if wanted to meet). She said she wanted to meet him to see if there was any left over chemistry and to get closure. She said she was mostly curious what it would be like to see him...not that she would go there to specifically be physical with him.

After she came clean and opened up about mostly everything, I felt much better about the situation. She promised that she would stop talking to him and would not see him. I looked her in the eye and told her that if she doesn't cut ties with him or if she see's him, that I would file for divorce. She still does not know that I am monitoring their conversations and know everything from start to finish.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

CuriousNow9 said:

I doubt seriously this is over with for you. Chances are she is just going to go underground with it and your going to find out the hard way. Good luck.

Tenebrous1 said:

She came awfully close to crossing that line that couldn't be uncrossed. I think you two need to do some counseling to open up lines of communication. It will also help her process her feelings for Eric and see why that connection was something she was drawn too.

On a side note, there is no way she wouldn't have slept with him if she had met up with him. She was planning on it and that's why she said that he asked her to meet up and not the other way around. So those types of things still need addressed and in a counseling environment would probably be the best way to address those I feel.

Bloviater said:

So you confronted her and she did the barest minimum to keep you strung along, without ever actually telling the truth, and that's good enough for you?

[deleted] said:

She didn't come clean. She lied about him asking to meet when she initiated it. Continue to monitor, but in all honesty, having to monitor your relationship sucks. You should be able to trust your partner. She may continue to lie, but now she will suspect you know something.

What if you no longer find evidence of them texting? Will you look further just to find something? Soon you'll be monitoring her accounts and looking for a burner phone. Where will it end?

And you monitoring her is also dishonest, even if you feel that you are in the right to do so because she lied/is lying. I think you need to tell her that you saw the messages and you know she suggested meeting up. You are putting yourself into a position of deception.

ZeroWF said:

At this point I don't even see how you could ever believe a word out of her mouth, cause so far she has either lied, or twisted just about everything she's said.

CraazyMike said:

Even when she "came clean" she's still living to you, manipulating you and doing what she could to continue. You've put the line in the sand though. Now it's up to you to hold to that. When she crosses that line, if you don't divorce her then you will be truly powerless in the relationship