Mom won't call daughter by birth name, says, 'it reminds me of what her father did.'
When this mom is concerned that she made a parenting error, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for not wanting to call my daughter by her 'black' name?'
My (36F) daughter (16F) was born at a complicated moment of my life. I had left my parents' home in Vermont and ended up working as a maid in a hotel in Miami. I am not ashamed, but it was not nice.
It was there where I met a black man named Oscar, he wasn't rich or anything but he offered me certain security and love in a moment I was feeling really alone and hopeless.
We moved in together and I got pregnant. Our baby was born and Oscar named her Tayesha, I was ok with that name at the time.
When she was only 3, Oscar was arrested for drug trafficking and sentenced to 15 years in prison.
I decided to not let that destroy my life or my daughter's future. It was hard but I got a new job as a waitress and did my best to rise my girl alone, until I reconnected with my parents and they started to help us more.
At first I felt bad for Oscar but I came to realise that he only had himself to blame for how he ended up.
Not only he break the law but he also could have put me and our daughter in danger. I stop calling her by her birth name because it reminded me too much of Oscar and I start calling her Taylor, I didn't legally changed her name.
I never had any contact with Oscar after he was arrested or tell Taylor the truth about her father.
I always wanted to tell her when she would be mature enough and at some point I decided that moment would be at 16. So, when after her last birthday in february, i explained to her the whole story. She was shocked, of course.
At first, she didn't do anything about it but a few months later she said that she wanted to talk to her father.
She had research about how to arrange a call with an inmate in Florida and was decided to do it. I didn't like the idea at all but didn't stop her. I don't know how the call actually went or what did the say to each other, Taylor didn't say much about it and I didn't really want to know. She seemed to be happy about it.
She said that she planned yo talk with her father again at some point and send him a letter. A few days after the call, she told me that she would prefer for me and others to start calling her Tayesha again.
I thought that was very dumb, because she didn't have any memory of being call that when she was baby. Also she had always known that was her legal name but never complained about being called Taylor.
I ignored her and keep calling her Taylor. She didn't like that and we have been arguing about this issue a lot. My father agrees with me (although he had mostly avoid the conflict by just calling her 'darling' as he usually does) but my mom thinks I should respect my daughter's preference regarding how is she named.
My daughter has recently insinuated that me not wanting to call her by her 'real' and 'black' name is racist somehow, which I think it is beyond stupid.
She had never cared about being 'black' in her life. Race has never been an issue in our family. I can't avoid thinking all this is because something Oscar said to her. Am I the A**hole?
Let's find out.
stalvis writes:
YTA. Listen, I am a huge, dumb stan for 'traditional' European names. But COME ON 'she told me that she would prefer for me and others to start calling her Tayesha again.' ALL that matters here is Tayesha's preference. That's -it-.
blipblopbloop writes:
Literally. OP said “race has never been an issue” in their family and that she has never cared about being “black” in her life. I assume this means OP is not black but maybe she never cared because her mother never bothered to try and connect her to her roots.
Now she’s old enough to seek out that information for herself and she does care - and OP should too. YTA OP.
pessimistatlife writes:
The way she so breezily dismisses race as never having been an issue in their lives-- almost with a 'duh' vibe-- definitely confirms Caucasity for me. And she sounds disdainful in every area of the story pertaining to Blackness and race.
OP is a big, giant, gaping AH. YTA.