'I overheard my fiancée tell her friend that I'm 'background' in her life. I confronted her...' UPDATED

"I overheard my fiancée tell her friend that I'm 'background' in her life. I confronted her..."

Backstory - I met my fiancée Rosa a few years ago in college. We hit it off immediately, and started dating in our senior year of college and have been together for a little over 5 years now. I proposed to her a few months ago, she accepted, and we're getting married this summer.

She's wonderful - the smartest, funniest, and prettiest woman in the room wherever she goes. By far the most important person in my life. Rosa is Middle-Eastern and told me from the beginning that she's very family oriented. Her best friend Sofia is of the same ethnic origin, and the pair have been best friends since they were kids.

One night Rosa was at my house when Sofia called saying she was upset about something in her family, so I told my fiancée that she should invite her friend over and they can talk - I was pretty tired anyways. Sofia came over, I greeted her then went upstairs to go to bed.

About half an hour later I came downstairs to get water when I heard my fiancée saying something to Sofia along the lines of "Yeah, I mean honestly the only people I really care about are my parents and brothers. I couldn't live without them. Everyone else is background."

It hurt. A lot. Especially the way she said it, not even in a malicious way just in a "this is how it is" way. As though there's no debate because truly no one else matters. Her best friend, who would also be categorized as "background" by that logic, agreed & said she also viewed her immediate family as her top priority.

But her best friend isn't in a long term relationship where she's engaged to be married. I went back upstairs and couldn't sleep. When Rosa came back I told her I overheard it and it hurt me. She responded with "I'm not gonna lie to you, my parents and brothers come first.

I promise you, once we are married and build a life together then you and our kids will come first. But those feelings aren't something we can force." I didn't say anything to her after she said that but took my pillow to go sleep in another room. She didn't follow me or make any effort to show that she cared, even though I do that for her whenever she is upset.

When I brought it up the next day, she repeated what she said before. I know I can't force her to feel anything, and I wouldn't want to have to force her to love me more than anyone else, but if you asked me who my number 1 person is I would say her in a heartbeat. Am I unreasonable when I say I want my future wife to love me as much as I love her?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

sonofaresiii said:

It's dangerous to go into a marriage hoping for a change that will make you happy. That's all I have to say.

MrsSquirry said:

This is a recipe for horrible in laws. If there's an argument, and there will be, her family will win. She will say "but mom and dad make sense" or something like that. Also, when she says you and the future kids will move up the ladder, she means the kids. They will be her new priority.

She might have labeled you in her mind as not-as-important since you two were just dating, so it could change now. But if you don't see it before marriage I'd suggest bail or be okay being secondary.

castillle said:

If my fiancé said something like that I would call off the wedding. How am I even supposed to trust a person that agrees to marry me then says I am not a priority yet and that he/she doesn't truly care about me until further notice? You need to clarify what she means with her words more.

thepinkyoohoo said:

I think this is something you should continue to discuss with her, get her to flesh her thoughts more. Maybe since you guys aren't married yet, you are not yet her family. Since she plans on marrying you you will be family, right? Maybe she needed the proposal to allow herself to get attached to you like that.

Maybe she was talking about a different shade of love, like the Greeks had so many names. They had like four to six different words depending on where you are reading about it, Wikipedia talks about four, random magazine articles talk about six.

I don't know her though. So I think more talks about it, especially since this conversation weighs on you, are in order. What bothers me, and maybe this bothers you too but those five years you have spent together? They aren't part of building a life?

[deleted] said:

Your priority number is this: add all sisters and brothers, add two for parents (and more for step parents), add uncles and aunts THEN add the number of children you two will have. Your number is just below the result. No, this will not change. Can you marry someone and make them your highest priority when you are about 25th in priority to her?

[deleted] said:

I dated someone who was Iranian for three years and very similar ideas were met. I was floored with the vast difference between how I was treated, however, it's a part of their culture.

Unfortunately it's something you need to accept as how she was raised (and communicate with her that it hurts, and that it would be ideal if she could work on her feelings) or accept it as something apart of her culture and that things will change in the future (because they typically will, it's ingrained).

I think if you personally can't handle it then you need to tackle the issue, but otherwise I think it would be wise to not over think it too much. It sucks, but it's a cultural difference.

elephasmaximus said:

I wouldn't marry someone who didn't already consider me one of the most important part of their life. When my sister got married to my BIL, one of the factors which made it easier for my parents to accept their multicultural marriage was that my sister was willing to cut them out of her life if it meant having her husband.

Knowing she was going to have his back no matter what meant my parents had to accept him if they wanted her. What happens when you get married, and have some disagreement with her family, as will inevitably happen. Whose side will she take? I would reconsider this relationship.

sagittamusic said:

Ok, so her wording is pretty brutal. But I do get where she is coming from. I think I could love a partner almost as my family, but not more. Simplest way I can boil it down, is that love between romantic partners is conditional, but the love my family has for me, and I for them, is unconditional. I'd help them move a body. I'd help them move 10. They'd do the same for me.

UPDATE:

Rosa and I talked the next day over dinner, the very brief summary of the conversation is something like this:

Me: You are without a doubt my #1, but I'm not for you. That's not something I can get over.

Rosa: I promise once we marry, get a home together, have children, all of that - truly build a life together - you and our children will be my #1.

Me: What about your family?

Rosa: They're #1 too. You would be equal.

Here's the thing - Rosa isn't wrong. At all. Love isn't a competition and family is very important. That being said, we simply have two different viewpoints on life. I want to have my own family, love them above everything else, and know that my wife and I are loving partners who don't have anyone else who comes even remotely close to that love.

That's what I want. Maybe it's the "stereotypical too-independent American" viewpoint, and if it is then I'm okay with that. It's just as valid than her conservative/traditional Middle Eastern perspective.

I just realized in that conversation that I don't want to have to spend my entire life fighting for my wife's love. There's only 1 of me, but on the other side there is her mom, her dad, 2 brothers, a cousin she considers to be a sister, and a bevy of extended family.

What happens when the one person she loves disagrees with 10+ people she loves just as much? I lose. Every time. I don't have much family in the area, our future children would be accepted and enveloped within Rosa's family. Again, it's one person versus 10+ people.

At the end of the day, Rosa, her family, and our future children will be ethnic Jordanians while I'm still just the white guy who married Rosa. She's already told me that her aunts/uncles aren't big fans of me because I'm not Arab, and I don't think that will magically change once we get married.

I plan on breaking it off with Rosa tomorrow over lunch. I'm nervous just thinking about it & remembered this post so thought I would give ya'll an update.

Here's what people had to say about this update:

[deleted] said:

I remember your OP well. This is a sad but wise update. Kudos to you for seeing how your different cultural and personal viewpoints would play out in the future, and even knowing that neither of you are wrong per se; you're just not compatible.

whenifeellikeit said:

Well, this sucks. But yeah, it's not the life you want. It's not the kind of family that will make you feel accepted and supported. And she should go find a spouse who has the same views, honestly. This is really for the best.

dcikid12 said:

Worst part it, some family members will say..."told you he was not for you" or something like that, tough break dude.

Law180 said:

This is a situation I've seen several times in my life. The "family first" thing can be kind of annoying to me. It's one thing when you look at a family and legitimately believe they'd do anything for each other.

In practice, however, I think families are much less supportive generally than people assume. If your wife got sick, who would bear 90%+ of the work and expense? If you had kids and they needed money, who would bear that? Etc. etc.

If you can say with certainty that your potential in-laws would mortgage their homes for an emergency, then sure, but otherwise I would want someone who views me as #1.

You don't choose your family, but you do choose (at least in this context) your spouse. If she wants her "real family" to be first, then she should go live with them and put them first.

Hutch876 said:

This just created a massive debate within my office area. I'm amazed how people can have such different views on this. Shows how any situation can easily divide people.

MiaOh said:

I am so sorry. I'm from a similar tight-knit culture like your soon to be ex. Have been with my partner for 5 years. But we think of getting married because we are each other's #1. Your ex has the mentality of many people who get into an arranged marriage. For them still their birth family is #1, and over the years it may change to wife/husband (sometimes) or kids.

booboo417 said:

I feel you're being a bit rash because your feelings are hurt. I also feel like you're crazy if you think she's just going to calmly let you throw away 5 years in some resturant as if she's some chick you've been seeing for 2 months, especially over a cultural issue! I personally think this is an issue thay can be worked out and dont see how dumping her is going to make your life any better.