'AITA because I don't want to take my 9-year-old stepson on vacation?' UPDATED

"AITA because I (38F) don't want to take my stepson (9) on vacation?"

My husband (39) and I have been married for 5 years. We have two children of our own, both girls, aged 5 and 2. I also have a son (10) from a previous marriage, but I was widowed.

My husband's ex is barely involved in stepson's life at all. They got divorced when stepson was 2, and his ex wanted 'a fresh start' so my husband did the decent selfless thing and had complete custody of their son, even though he'd wanted shared custody.

I got a bonus at work and I really want to go on vacation with just MY family JUST once. We've been on family vacations all together lots of times. But just once I want to spend MY money going on vacation where I'm not looking after someone else's kid.

I want stepson to stay with his mom while we go on vacation. My husband sees my point of view and is okay with it. I don't think I'm being at all unreasonable. My mom found out what I was planning and says I'm being a complete AH. These are the reasons she says I could be the AH:

My mom says that if stepson's mom isn't properly involved in his life, I should be even more involved in his life to compensate (I think this is a completely unfair expectation). She also says that I'm being a hypocrite taking my son, but I think that's totally different because my son DOESN'T HAVE ANOTHER PARENT. I'm all he's got.

If stepson's mom won't take him just for once then obviously he'll come on vacation with us. But I don't think I'm the AH to ask if I can have a vacation with my own family just one time. It's not like I hate stepson or something, he's a nice kid, he's just not mine. Am I the AH?

Let's see what people had to say:

sorryiguess writes this scathing review:

YTA. Like, you're one of the biggest AHs I've ever seen on this sub, and that's really saying something. You shouldn't be allowed to be a parent. My heart is absolutely shattered for that poor little boy. I don't know what's broken in your brain or soul, but there's something deeply, pathologically wrong with you.

That little boy IS your family, and it's staggeringly awful that you keep repeating over and over that he isn't. You and his father are the only meaningful, involved parental figures that he has. HE IS YOUR FAMILY. And I have no words to describe how appalling it is that you would keep insisting that he isn't.

You mean YOUR HUSBAND'S kid? The child who doesn't have another mother figure in his life in any meaningful way other than you? Is this honestly how you see this child, who has been living with you full-time, 24/7/365 for the last half-decade?

Then your husband is also an AH. You're wrong. You're objectively wrong. From every possible angle, through every possible lens except a flat-out sociopathic, sadistic one, you're wrong.

You're literally trying to argue that a little boy who has no other family than you should be excluded from your family vacation because you didn't 'choose' or give birth to him, and you don't want him. It's not reasonable, it's monstrous.

His mother literally abandoned him, and you don't want him either. Your mother is a kind, empathetic person who very reasonably thinks that when you marry someone with a child, and that child has no involved mother figure in their life...

(and you literally have children of your own and ostensibly are capable of maternal feelings and behaviour) that the logical thing would be to 'bring him into the fold' so to speak and treat him as your own.

You see a child whose own mother didn't want him, you get into a relationship with his father - not only his parent but his only family - and see an excuse to separate him further from that one stable figure.

As your mother rightly pointed out, your stepson doesn't have anyone except you and your husband either. His mother abandoned him. For all intents and purposes she is not his parent and hasn't been in years.

She gave up all custodial rights. That doesn't change because you don't want him either, any more than your son's father is going to rise from the grave if your husband decides that he doesn't want to be the boy's dad.

You're the only real mother this boy has, and what a sad state of affairs that is, because you've made it very clear that you don't even see him as family. YTA. A big stinking AH.

littlegrogu writes:

YTA and so is your husband, your husband isn’t just an AH but also a horrible father for exposing his son to someone like you.

Your 10 year old shouldn’t be allowed to go on this vacation either because he isn’t your husbands son. so if stepson misses out, then so should your son. It’s only fair if we go off your stupid messed up logic.

I feel sorry for this poor kid, I bet he is left out of a lot of things. Toys? Treats? Food? God knows what else.You honestly disgust me….

Update from OP after reading the comments:

We definitely won't be going on vacation without stepson. After a couple hours of replies, I decided to show this post to my husband. We sat down and had a really long talk about it. He told me he's never been comfortable with my attitude to stepson, but didn't know how to say to me before.

I don't want to be a bad person, I just never thought of stepchildren being "yours". I don't think it would be easy for anyone to accept this level of criticism, but all your replies have shown me I have a LOT of work to do.

As many of you suggested (and so did my husband) I intend to see a therapist to help me with that. As I said, I don't hate stepson in any way, I have never been deliberately cruel to him, I've just always thought of him as my husband's child. But I realize my mindset needs to change.

So I'm going to start working on that. I want my family to be the best it can be, and I need to accept that it includes my stepson. I understand that now, and I'm going to start seeing a therapist to become a better person (we've also talked about maybe having family therapy too). I've also made up with my mom, and she is 100% behind the changes I want to make in my life.

It wasn't easy to hear everything you said, but I understand that I needed to hear it.