'I think my friend and I have a very large mental capacity gap...' UPDATED

"I think my friend and I have a very large mental capacity gap..."

I know the title makes it sound really bad but hear me out first. Me and Ellie have been friends for just under 5 years-- We met in a coffee shop where we started talking to each other as we were the only ones in there and it developed into a full blown friendship when we realized we had some stuff in common and both lived near to each other.

She's a really kind and sweet friend, and we have the same kind of politics and personal opinions on things, we both have similar life experiences and struggles so we get on really well. But over the years I've noticed a few things that have snowballed into a big thing that's put me on edge and made me kind of uncomfortable in continuing the friendship.

For one, despite having spoken about my lack of attraction to her and not wanting to actually date her at length in the past, she still seems to hold a flame for me and sometimes pushes boundaries by flirting with me or playing coy and pushing me into situations I don't want to be in.

For example, she will do subtle things like compliment me (really intensely) or get kind of touchy with me. I've told her in the past that I don't like that and she stops and pulls back but then slowly begins doing it again. The thing is, I truly do not believe she is trying her luck or coercing me, I really think she just thinks enough time has passed that things have changed.

In the times where she's not flirting with or being touchy with me, she goes through a cycle where she meets another woman and instantly approaches getting to know them with the intention of dating them.

Secondly, and this is why I think she does the first thing I mentioned, is I think she has reduced mental capacity/reduced competence. It's a massive strain on our friendship (for me at least, she doesn't seem to notice it at all).

- She doesn't retain a lot of information. She forgets important days, forgets important information, doesn't understand information that our age is expected to understand and retain.

- She struggles with simple tasks, like house cleaning/food preparation (the mental elements of planning to do these things rather than the physicality), and...

-Doesn't seem to have the full ability to make decisions on a lot of things, and constantly asks for support on things that most people can manage on their own.

-Less important but she also doesn't seem to pick up on when someone she's speaking to is much younger than her - from behavior or appearance or both...

which leads into issues where she will meet someone, flirt with them, and then find out they're 10 years younger than her (tying into the first point I made above)

When we first met, we both knew we were disabled, but as time has gone by either her competency has worsened or she's just no longer hiding it because she feels comfortable around me but either way, it's a lot to deal with.

I feel like I'm expected to be her carer at times because she cannot do a lot of things on her own that many other people don't struggle with, and it results in me not wanting to invite her to things that I've set up or been invited to & given a +1 to.

This makes me feel even worse because on top of all this, I am her only close friend in real life-- she has a fair few close friends online but I'm the only one she sees regularly and spends a lot of time with. Because of said (perceived) mental incapacity, she spends a lot of time in her flat and doesn't tend to go to social events.

I don't want to be friends with her anymore, but I don't know how to navigate ending the friendship without hurting her. She doesn't deserve to be upset and be hurt because of her mental incapacity, but I also cannot handle being her carer.

There's so much more that happens but this isn't really the place-- what I want is advice on how to end this. Do I tell her? Surely that feels evil to do? But also ending the friendship without telling her feels worse?

I've actually tried distancing myself in the past but it doesn't really ever pan out partly because of me and partly because of her (again, not understanding that I'm trying to pull away).

Here's what people had to say to OP:

22ndCenturyDB said:

You can't control whether you will hurt her. Her reaction is her reaction. All you can do is be respectful and honorable while you do it. Whether you distance slowly or make a straight declaration, you can do it with kindness and with empathy while being steadfast in your goal.

It's not an easy thing to do, so I understand why you might feel guilty. But you have to do what's best for you, even if it hurts someone you don't want to hurt.

HungryOil9277 said:

Ultimately you know what you want: to end the friendship. I think having a conversation about it would be good for her to have closure and for you to feel less guilty. You don't seem to want to ghost her anyway.

You don't have to bring up every grievance you have. But I think the fact that she keeps crossing your boundaries by flirting, even if it's not malicious, is something you should focus on. That alone is enough reason to end a friendship.

If you want to talk about her competence issues, don't be accusatory like "you always do this." Instead, something like "I've noticed this pattern and it bothers me because ___" would probably be more well received. If she tries to guilt you into staying, that's manipulation and should make you run away even faster. Good luck!

Environmental-Age502 said:

Well don't tell her any of the second part of this. Damn. Doesn't matter if it's true, you'd basically be saying she's too dumb/slow to hang out with you, and even if you phrased it miles better, she'd take it that way for sure. Anyone would.

Just be honest and address the real issue instead of the frustration where you assume her mental capacity; tell her that you're not interested in continuing the friendship because you feel she pushes your boundaries...

...and it makes you uncomfortable, and you're no longer willing to put up with it because she keeps sliding back into the same pattern. That's an actual serious problem, and she needs some consequences for that.

Phoenix2026 said:

Just slowly wind it down and distance yourself. You don’t need to go cold turkey. Think about people who you used to be friends when you were younger, but now don't talk to. You probably didn’t have a formal “end of friendship” discussion, distance just naturally grew. Do the same here.

Quicksilver1964 said:

You cannot stop someone else from being hurt. She will hurt anyway. Just let the friendship fade away, creating more boundaries and distance between you two.

writergeek313 said:

I would tell her that her that because of her continued unwanted advances you no longer feel comfortable being friends with her. It’s not about mental capacity, and I’m not sure why you’re hung up on that. She’s behaving inappropriately. That’s a very reasonable reason to want to end a friendship.

UPDATE:

It's been a bit of a crazy few days since I posted that post-- before I go into the update I did want to say something. A few people commented on the wording around mental capacity and the potential (internalized) ableism surrounding that.

That's fair -- I wasn't really sure how to describe what I was picking up on and I think I could have been clearer in my post. My issue was not and never has been the perceived (or otherwise) difference in comprehension, problem solving skills or memory problems...

We are both autistic so it is commonplace that we would struggle with these kinds of things. The issue was and is how her inability to do these things became my responsibility. I became a carer for her despite my requests not to, dealing with things she needed to do but was unable to handle and so it would be thrust upon me ala combination of learned helplessness and weaponized incompetence.

Onto the update. I read through a lot of the comments and the repeated points about the crossing of boundaries and advances that I had previously rejected-- even when I was the one who mentioned it in the first place-- stuck in my head all night and into the next day.

I had been speaking to friends about this for a while and mentioned her behavior towards me and they had pointed out they noticed it, and it burst open a dam for me in realizing that ah. Okay. Malicious or not these were inappropriate acts.

I had at first pushed back at what friends had said about it because --and this is where I think I had succumbed to internalized ableism-- felt that her mental incapacitation or whatever would prevent her from meaning any harm and it was all innocent.

But I realized that in attempts to not acknowledge it for what it was and to avoid having to confront being harassed for a long period of a close friendship I had been infantilizing her.

It was easier for me to think she didn't realize it was romantically charged than accept my friend had been, for lack of a better term, touching me and knowing I did not like to be touched like that at all, let alone by a prospective partner.

I'd known deep down there was something making me deeply uncomfortable about our friendship (a feeling I'd had a long, long time) and so I'd just assumed it was the power imbalance (another thing that had become glaringly obvious) or her reduced capacity that was creating that discomfort, and not her behavior.

I'd always been the kind to Fight rather than Flee or Freeze when something happens to me, so I thought if that kind of thing would happen to me I'd know it'd happen because I'd react the way I react with other similarly unpleasant things.

But each time things like that happened, I froze, or I fled, so I thought "it can't be this, maybe I'm just avoidant about kindness/affection." That wasn't the case! Shoulda trusted my gut feeling! So I suppose I want to thank you for validating my anxiety and discomfort, and for calling me in about my ableism!

I do still think my unwillingness to be a friends decision maker and carer is fair, but it's also on me to ensure boundaries are clear and maintained. I think I need more time in thinking on how I'm going to approach it because I think a conversation needs to be had, but I also just want to process this in my own time and heal from it.

Here's what people had to say about the update:

LadyParnassus said:

If I might make a suggestion? Put all the things you want to say to her in a letter. It’ll help you organize your thoughts. You might even end up sending the letter rather than having the conversation.

nicenyeezy said:

I’m glad that it helped validate your discomfort. I honestly don’t know if she deserves a conversation after repeatedly harassing you, your safety comes first and she will likely feign ignorance or try to emotionally manipulate you when confronted.

varulvane said:

Your original post stuck with me, though I didn’t comment at the time because I was worried about projecting. With this update I want to say that I’m really proud of you for naming this. It really sucks to have to do. And coming from a longtime friend, especially someone who leaned on you a lot, it feels like such an insidious kind of violation.

You’re doing a good job at honoring your own boundaries here about your body, and I wish she was doing the same. I can’t tell you what to do; having come out the other end of similar, my ideal way to have handled it would have been a clean cut. Ideally phrased as, like, “hey I need some space for a while and here’s why,” and then laying out how the repeated unwanted touch isn’t okay.

Don’t pad it. It’s kind to want to pad it, but you being clear and calm isn’t punishing her even if she takes it that way. It’s also making the connection between her actions and how you feel explicit for her if, for whatever reason, it genuinely hasn’t connected for her.

I am shaking your hand a bit because I am also autistic and have had to talk to autistic peers about this and it’s such a weird fine line to ride. Like I think you’re being compassionate here and appreciate you being willing to check yourself! I also think we as autistic people are not incapable of acting badly in ways specific to our disorder.

It’s possible to honor your own feelings and needs for like, integrity of yourself and your body and doing that is not the same as shaming her for being bad at social cues. Yknow? Take your own space and needs back, you’re allowed to, you don’t have to feel guilty for wanting that autonomy.