'Today I have to tell my son that his new girlfriend’s child might be mine...' UPDATED 2X

"Today I have to tell my son that his new girlfriend’s child might be mine..."

There was no cheating involved whatsoever. I’d (45M) never do that to my own son (28M). He’s only been seeing her (35F) for about 4 months from what he’s told me but she and I dated 2 years ago. But it ended because I was going to be traveling out of work for months, we just lost contact.

She has a one and a half year old son that is very likely my child. My son told me the father isn’t involved but hasn’t given him any other details other than it’s just her raising the kid. I was the one to connected the dots as soon as I realized it was her. You can’t imagine how unbelievably awkward the first time meeting was.

Thankfully it was with other family members around but she was just as freaked out as I was. This can’t be kept a secret though if this is my child I need to know. And as much as it pains me to put my son in this messed up position he needs to know too. He’s coming over later on so we could talk. I’m beyond nervous I really don’t even know where to start explaining something like this to him.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

[deleted] said:

Yikes. Good for you needing to know if the child is yours or not. Good for you not even questioning whether you will tell him or not. I hope that after the initial reaction and shock of it all the two of you are able to be in a comfortable space. I hope he comes out of it okay, I hope you both do.

This wasn’t something you did in secret, or planned, as you said no cheating. There was no way to know he would end up dating her down the line (how DID that happen?!). As far as how to tell him. Simple and honest.

I have something to tell you that will be very hard to hear. You’ll be upset, please let me explain the entire situation. Hearing your parent has been physical with your girlfriend is bad enough but hearing your possible step son is your half brother is a bit much.

Also, I’d be pretty pissed off she didn’t tell me as soon as she realized. He will feel betrayed even just for that. Expect a reaction. In the end you’re being honest and it’s nothing you did on purpose.

cassowary32 said:

Good luck! That would be weird if he ends up having a child with your ex. Her first child would be both brother and uncle...getting child support payments from your dad for his/your kid is going to be awkward!

MadamnedMary said:

Good luck pal, don't expect your son to take it well at first, but do what you gotta do, for both your adult son and your possible toddler one.

Creepy_Coffee_4242 said:

I think it’s better if your son and ex just peacefully break up. Or else things would just get more complicated to the point that it’s too much for anyone to handle.

[deleted] said:

Maybe that's not a coincidence and that girl knew very well that he is your son and that's the way she will make you know the truth and confront you about it.

FIRST UPDATE:

The conversation was not easy at all. My son was very confused and upset as would anyone honestly. I expected him to yell at me but the shock was too much for him to get a strong reaction but he was still very serious.

I made sure he knew I’d understand if this is too much for him so whatever he needs from me I will try to do. As of right now he just needs some space. And I said in another comment that after our talk last night he messaged me about going over to her place so he can hear this from her too.

Far as I know they have had their own talk. But not so sure about where they stand now. He didn’t talk to me all day until he sent me a message earlier telling me he loves me but he’s gonna need some time to himself which I completely understand.

It’s not gonna be something he‘ll easily get over. As far as paternity, well we still don’t know anything about that. I have communicated with her about finding a place where we can get this test done and out of the way, so we’ll be doing that this week. It can’t wait any longer otherwise its just gonna drive me crazy.

SECOND UPDATE:

There really has been a lot going on but I’m taking the time to finally get back to all of you after your amazing support. It was a strange situation to be in so believe me I’m glad to have gotten the positive feedback and reassurance that I did.

So yes if you saw the update I included my son does know now about everything. He needed a little time to himself and they did decide in the end to mutually break up. They both knew it wasn’t worth complicating things more down the line when they haven’t been together that long.

My son did admit to me he was a little sad about the relationship but he’s glad I told him before his feelings for her grew to love. We didn’t talk much for almost a week because he was having a boys trip with his close friends and then he needed a little time to get used to all of this information.

The good thing is we are talking again normally. Which I am so grateful for. Seriously it worried me how much this would affect my relationship with him, I’m happy he’s been so open about his feelings. He tells me it’s still crazy how all this happened. He told me he’s accepted it though and might try dating again in another few weeks.

It’s not all perfect. At least we are talking like we always do though. And more than anything I’m so happy he didn’t hold what happened against me since none of us knew about this until we all had dinner.

Now for the part I know lots of you wanted to hear about. We did that paternity test and the results did confirm her son is also mine. Part of me just had a feeling he was anyway but it didn’t hurt to just know for sure. We have been communicating more and I’ve taken the time to come over to see him almost every day.

He’s not weary of strangers, in fact he’s been pretty friendly so that has really helped with trying to bond with him. Not my first rodeo as a dad obviously but I still feel like I’m learning everything all over again after so long and especially after missing so much time with him already.

I’ve been able to hold him and play with him with his toys which is a blast. It’s just the fact that I have another son that I’ll get to experience many new milestones with always makes me smile. My son knows about his half brother now, he told me he’d like to meet him at some point in the future when it doesn’t feel as weird.

He never met him before that, I explained in a few comments, because they hadn’t been dating long enough to introduce him. My son thinks it’s kind of nice knowing he has a brother now. Again though he told me he is going to need more time to adjust before he’s comfortable with officially meeting him. And I understand that completely.

So yeah it’s been quite a ride so far. You can imagine how busy it’s been with a new kiddo to bond with and raise. We are currently working with a lawyer to get all the legal things set right away.

I want to make sure I have my rights as a father and get my time with my son if she ever changes her mind about being compliant and decides to shut me out of his life again. That’s all I have as of right now in terms of an update so I hope this answered some of your questions!

Here's what people had to say to OP about the updates:

mvmoir said:

Man, that is really one tough situation. Looks like you'll just have to wait out on this one for your son to calm down and process the situation. All the best wishes towards you and him!

jeremyfrankly said:

I believe, because this didn't involve any sort of betrayal and you were honest with him, your relationship with him will recover.

DialZforZebra said:

This is a weird situation. On the one hand, both you and your son have slept with the mother of your young son. There's potentially some damage control that you may have to do later on that.

But for now, this was the best outcome that could've come out of this situation. I tip my hat to you for stepping up as a Dad and I wish all four of you the best for the future.

billieboop said:

Best of luck to you & your sons going forward. It's going to be wild interacting all together in the same room with the mother. I think the most important relationships are you and your sons so put all your focus and attention on those and I wish you nothing but ease ahead.

This is a wild situation, but I'm happy for the sake of that little boy, you sound like a loving & responsible father. I'm glad you both haven't been robbed of a relationship & all the bonding that goes with that together ahead. Live on & well, i hope your eldest can heal well too.

Sounds like you raised him well too, I can't even imagine how he must be trying to wrap his head around all this. Hope going forward things pan out well for you. Thank you for updating us all, glad it worked out as best it could have. You were honest, upfront & responsible. Hopefully that's a great example for them both too.

amitym said:

Such a crazy coincidence....How did you lose touch with her so badly that you never found out that she was pregnant and had a baby right after you split up? It seems like you all are in a pretty small, closely-knit community.

And come to think of it, how did she not notice for 4 months that your son was related to you? You have the same last name and are only 17 years apart. Plus, how did she develop an apparently serious relationship with him without him ever meeting the toddler? Do you think she might have been less surprised than she acted? Maybe up to something?

Pettyfan1234 said:

Your son is to be commended for his mature actions.

mundundermindifflin said:

Your son and the girlfriend handled things very maturely by deciding to end the relationship. It couldn't have been easy, but they did the right thing