Woman won't go to BF's therapist for couples therapy says, 'they're out to get me.'
Couples therapy can be extremely helpful, but for some couples, you have to wonder if it's detrimental. If the therapist favors one partner over the other, it might be damaging. This woman feels just that when her boyfriend insists on going to couples therapy with his personal therapist.
Take a look at her post on Reddit:
'AITA for saying no to couples therapy with my partner's personal therapist?'
For background my partner and I have been dating for about a year and a half. I love him dearly but a few months ago I had to insist he start seeing a therapist.
He's had a very rough childhood which has left him with a lot of scars that result in some very angry/defensive behaviour whenever I say he has hurt me in any way.
He has been seeing the personal therapist for a few months now and things have started to get better, however he has asked for us to start going to couples therapy together.
I'm completely fine with this but he is insisting we see his personal therapist for this and at the sacrifice of his solo sessions.
I have been to a session with his therapist with him (at the therapists request) in the past and she very much made me feel like I wasn't doing enough to accommodate the scars his past has left him. I kind of felt like they were in cahoots. Out to get me and accuse me a bit of not being there for him. Idk.
I know in my heart of hearts i am already doing so much that it doesn't feel healthy. I have already put so much of myself aside, often having to let go of deep hurts just so we don't fight for hours.
I explained I'd be happy to see a separate therapist for the couple's therapy but he begged me to see his therapist and stated that if I didn't want to go it showed I didn't want to make things work.
He thinks it's going to be too hard re-explaining himself to a new therapist but my point is that if we see his therapist we are not going to be on remotely the same level.
Plus I can't help but worry that obviously she has heard about every argument we have had from his point of view and while I know she is a professional I can't help but be worried about that. So Reddit am I the AH for saying no?
Let's find out what Reddit users had to say on this therapy dilemma.
deedeestew writes:
NTA! You absolutely should not have a couple's therapist that has ANY history with either party. I find it incredibly hard to believe his therapist is on board with this?
Effective couple's therapy comes from starting with an objective third party (the therapist). His therapist is not objective any more. (Also, be aware that they only know what he tells them.
They may not know how supportive you actually are, or the things your doing for him, and/or he just doesn't see it so he can't tell them about it.)
Many people juggle two therapists with individual therapy and couple's therapy. He will have to learn how to do it. It will honestly help him balance what's best for him in (and out of) the relationship. Individuality is just as important in a lasting relationship as being 'one unit'.
fivenightrental writes:
Definitely NTA. I work in this field. It would be highly unethical for his therapist to become your couples therapist. I seriously hope it's just his idea and not hers as well or I would really have to question her professional abilities also.
It sounds like part of his issue is the comfort level he has attained with his therapist, which I understand is a barrier to starting with someone new.
However, couples therapy is a different focus and he may not be required to have to re-explain himself at such an in-depth level. If he kept his current individual therapist while doing couples therapy, he'd also have that level of support to fall back on.
Couples therapy will never be beneficial to the two of you as a couple if one of you feels it's two against one, and that's what he is offering you in his current scenario. This is why it would be super important to find a couples therapist who is objective for both of you.
UIUgrad writes:
NTA. Please do not see his personal therapist for couple's therapy. Any good therapist will tell you it's impossible to not have a bias toward their original client so they will not shift to couple's therapy.
I'd recommend finding someone that specializes in marriage and family counseling for couple's counseling.
They may want to meet with each of you individually once to get an idea of how you both feel but aside from that it shouldn't steer away from working in the sessions together.