Woman with postpartum called spiteful when she 'refuses to lift a finger' for in-laws.
When this new mom is furious with her husband and inlaws, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for not doing anything ‘hostess-y’ for my in-laws visit, given I’m 3 weeks postpartum?'
My husband's family lives on the other side of the country. We had our first child at the height of Covid, so my husband's parents, sister, and her family did not meet him in person until his first birthday. I just delivered our second two weeks ago, and my husband's family (4 adults and 3 kids) asked if they could all visit during spring break to see the baby (which is the end of next week). I said OK.
Although the 7 of them would be staying at an Airbnb, I know they will be spending all day every day at our home to see the kids. I told my husband to make sure they know we will be ordering in every meal, and beyond eggs and cereal and some drinks and snacks (i.e. chips and fruit), I wasn’t planning to get much else.
I’m also tired and up with the baby all night, I’m still trying to get breastfeeding established, and I’m exhausted at the very thought of 7 people being in my house every day for a week while I’m trying to nurse and rest and manage a toddler’s big emotions around a new sibling.
His response was ‘Well we are going to need X and X for my parents and X for the kids, and I was thinking one day I can make X.’ And he started describing needing to get the ‘best’ bread and the ‘best’ cheese… all of which would involve him taking trips to numerous stores and being gone for hours when I need help.
He even said he was going to ask my dad (who occasionally buys us some specialty grocery stuff that I ask for and drops it off) to pick up a bunch of items for them.
At this point, I got really mad. I said ‘I am not trying to go above and beyond here and play host when I’m 3 weeks postpartum. They can eat the stuff from the grocery store even if it’s not the best and deal for 5 days.’ He then told me I sound spiteful.
I am also frustrated because when his family visits, my husband checks out a bit… he plays with his nephews and chats for hours with his BIL, and I know I’m going to end up being the one setting out snacks, tidying up, etc. while the ILs just want to hold the baby… which honestly is not helpful to me.
He seems more concerned with his family having fun, the visit being a good time, and with them being comfortable, than with me getting what I need. I’m worried he isn’t going to have my back, so I will have to be the one to draw hard lines with his family to protect myself and my own well-being.
We got in a big fight about it. I yelled at him and am not really talking to him now. They show up next week, and I'm feeling a lot of anger and resentment about it. So… am I the asshole for not ‘lifting a finger’ for my visitors?
Let's find out.
beansaro writes:
NTA at all. Husband should take toddler to visit at their airbnb some days or for a fancy dinner if they feel the need. Or if you’re comfortable have the in-laws take toddler to the park, out to their Airbnb, etc. Sure they want to see the baby, but they truly do not need to be there 24/7. You and the baby are still going to need lots of 1 on 1 time and rest. You don’t need a bustling house as well.
I’m sorry your husband doesn’t see it this way. When my in laws visited at 3 weeks I still felt a bit overwhelmed, but I was cleaning zero and cooking zero. My MIL took care of so much & they left us with groceries and a clean house.
magaroniandcheese writes:
NTA. My in laws came by when i was three days post partum and my dog was actively dying. I told them there was a fresh pot of coffee if they’d like some, and my mother in law asked for tea instead. I was pissed. There is absolutely no way i would be willing to perform hostess-y for that many people, and you really shouldn’t be expected to.
mandaloriana writes:
NTA. Your husband should definitely manage his family. If he isn’t, and you have to protect yourself as you say, I would show him this post and its comments so he can see how he is TA and should be prioritizing you.
Also, what is your relationship with your in laws? I am in a group chat with my in-laws and SIL’s and BIL’s and my husband. I would simply send a txt message or have a nice chat with my MIL and/or family and manage everyone’s expectations.
I would be saying: “I am so glad you are all coming to meet the baby next week and spend time with us as a family. I have been so tired breastfeeding/bottle feeding and trying to get enough sleep. The baby is getting used to routines, and we are getting used to our new normal.
So, I am just writing because I may not be able to hang out as much or be able to be out and about with everyone. Husband will be having lots of food and snacks out for everyone and please help yourselves. If you need anything he is your go to person.”
Also, depending on your in-laws, they could also become your flying monkeys and you could potentially send them after your husband because he sounds like he needs a reality check. You need to recover from giving birth. Good luck OP!