"AITA for playing the piano at my sister's wedding?"
I am very confused and don't know what to believe so I need help. So I (24F) have been playing the piano since I was 5 and it is now my job, I also play the flute in the orchestra of my city. Piano has always been my passion and I don't know how to express my self in other ways if not playing.
My family hasn't been supportive of this passion of mine, mind that I paid for my lessons starting from 16 years old because my parents didn't want me to attend piano lessons anymore. I then found I job that helped me pursue my dream and I eventually became a professional pianist and flutist on the side.
My sister on the other hand (28F) studies law and she receives more attention then I do for obvious reasons. When I lived with my parents, they would blame the fact that sister didn't graduate law yet school on me, simply because I was distracting her with constantly playing my instruments.
As soon as they told me this I stopped playing in my own house and found somewhere else to stay for several hours and I would play there. Shortly after I moved out.
Now, her marriage was a week ago and unfortunately I don't have a lot of money. I am struggling with my rent and expenses, so I couldn't get her anything for her marriage which made me feel super uncomfortable. I told my parents and they said this: 'Next time you'll think twice about your career'.
I decided to rehearse a very beautiful piece by Chopin that I knew my sister loved because she always used to fall asleep when I played it (Nocturne No.6 in G Minor), plus she would always talk to me about her crush (now husband) while I was playing that very piece.
I thought It was meaningful and she would have loved it as a gift. During her wedding I told her I had a surprise for her, something that meant so much for the both of us and I started playing. The reaction of everybody made me think it was amazing and I went and hugged her.
Little did I know that she hated it. The next day I receive a message from her saying that she wants to cut me off, that not only I didn't buy her the necklace she has been hinting on but that I dared playing at her wedding without first consulting her. In that moment I felt like sh*t because I didn't think that it would have been disrespectful.
My parents told me that if I don't stop my career as a musician they don't want anything to do with me because 'my personality revolves around my talent'. This broke my heart but I can't stop thinking I might be the AH. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
electronictoe writes:
OP is NTA. I don't know where OP is from and I don't know where you are from - but playing a 4-5 minute piece that has sentimental value between the performer and the bride/groom would be considered an appropriate and touching surprise.
It's pretty typical to have some time during the reception where people close to the wedding party offer toasts, well-wishes, read a poem, sing a song, etc to celebrate the couple. A 4-5 minute piano pieces doesn't seem excessive to me. It's not like she fired the band/DJ and took over. Also, the bride is just jealous and that's her problem. Grow up and get over yourself.
crazybobeep writes:
YTA. You played at the wedding without asking first. Yeah, your parents’ attitude towards your playing and your career sucks, but the situation you’re asking about is the wedding. You should have checked with the bride and groom beforehand.
southernhamster writes:
YTA - I understand not having enough money to buy a gift. But many Brides want their Wedding day to be about them. They want to be the center of attention because it is “Her Special Day”. The number one thing to remember when attending a Wedding is to NOT do anything that will take the attention off of the Bride & Groom.
And she may not have liked that you took the attention off of her. You really should have discussed it with her first to make sure she was ok with you drawing attention to yourself like that. And I know you weren’t even thinking of that at all. You were thinking of all the special times you had together when you played that piece & how she talked about her boyfriend/fiancé/husband.
Many Brides WANT someone to play a beautiful instrument at their Wedding HOWEVER only after they’ve approved of it first. Weddings take A LOT of planning and are very expensive. Nobody likes a ✨SURPRISE✨ thrown into it. So you owe your sister a very heartfelt apology for hijacking her Wedding.
However, maybe there are future Brides in your area that would love to have you play the piano at their future Weddings. So maybe you’ll get more money for your bills this way.
bettersavings writes:
ESH. You're parents suck, no doubt. However, if what they say is true, you also suck monumentally. According to the story, you playing kept your sister up and/or distracted her from her studies, and it apparently made her have to prolong school, so why would you think she'd have positive memories of any of the songs you played??
Clearly she didn't have any positive memories because she is cutting you off. You shouldn't play at a wedding without consent, without doubt because it isn't your day, and doing so is almost you trying to hijack the event to a degree, and it's ok to not feel 'grateful' to an impromptu, unplanned performance on a day she had already planned ahead of time.
Later OP came back with these edits:
EDIT: I want to clarify that when I played was pretty much the end of the wedding. Some people were heading home too. My sister's plan was to have the music in the background towards the end so that people could relax and drink.
There was nothing going on. I was aware of the wedding plan so I knew that it was possible for me to play without interrupting anything. I also played when people were heading home so I did not do it to make it about me. I have been playing for years and I do not need four minutes of attention by strangers, I value other things. In that moment I was valuing my sister's emotions but I got it all wrong.
EDIT 2: For people saying I only assumed my sister loved the piece, I actually did not. She would constantly ask me to play it for years, even once at her bday party where she would dance with her now husband. I am sorry I didn't clarify this in the original post but I think it'll help understand why I chose that piece.
The OP posted this update:
I wanted to thank everybody, I was really confused and didn't know what I did wrong. I want to clarify that in my family everyone is either a lawyer, a doctor/vet or an engineer. I am also not that annoying relative that plays all the time. I rarely play at family events/ when my family is around: my sister's bday parties (she asked) and her marriage.
Also my sister has been supportive of my career, she has never hated it, she loved when I played for her AND I did not want to prove anything with playing something there. It was a genuine gift I had for her. I received different opinions from you and I decided to call my parents.
I called them asking if we could talk together with sister and bil and they said no since it would be "awkward". I then tried to call my sister but I think she blocked me so I had to call my bil who didn't know anything. I tried to explain to him what happened and he said he was shook, that if he knew he would have talked to my sister.
I didn't tell him about the necklace or anything too specific because I don't want to create trouble, I just wanted to tell her I was sorry I didn't discuss it with her first. Bil invited me home and when I got there I started crying like a baby, my sister looked emotionless, she was looking at me like I was some sort of monster.
I told her I was sorry and I should have discussed it with her first, she then asked bil to leave the room and she told me that what bothered her was the fact that she was embarrassed by the fact that her best friends got her cool stuff and her sister got her something "she cannot even touch", apparently that embarrassed her a lot.
She said she doesn't want to cut me off because she is aware of my financial situation but warned me that she will not help me with my parents. I love my sister so I am happy she won't cut me off completely.
I wanted to visit my parents too but they said it was better to talk on the phone first: they wanted to know what my decision was and told them I would never throw almost 20 years of hard work just because they want me to go to uni and study law like my sister (their dream has always been having two lawyers in the family). They said that I needed to give them the piano back then.
The piano I have is a grand piano that my parents bought when they got married for decoration, they have never touched it and the only person in the house that used it was me. When I moved out I asked if I could take it with me and they agreed. They never specified it was a gift or I needed to give it back to them eventually.
At first I got super emotional and asked them to please think about it because I cannot afford a piano atm plus it is the piano I studied on, I love that piano but they told me to drop it and toughen up. If I don't give it back they will sue me. I don't know if they are allowed legally but I am scared so I am probably going to give it back to them and cut them off.
My father said "you are struggling financially and still you are not listening to us, insane". So I basically told them I want to be alone for a while and I want no contact with them until further notice. Thank you everyone again!