Woman tells sis she's a bad parent to her autistic son, 'you've set him up to fail.'
When this woman is worried about her sister's kids, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for telling my sister she’s setting her kids up for failure?'
I have two nephews (John-25 and Finn-15). I love both dearly but John is a bit difficult to be around. He still acts like a child and is incredibly mean to his younger brother. I’m putting it lightly actually, he’s terrible to Finn.
My sister doesn’t say anything because he has autism but will instead spoil Finn to make up for the bullying. It’s a really weird situation that I didn’t pick up on until very recently after I moved closer to them.
My sister, brother in law and nephews came over for dinner the other day. It was going well when all of a sudden my daughter (18) told me she couldn’t find her very expensive necklace.
I had assumed she had misplaced it and assured her I’d help her find it later but then I noticed that Finn looked extremely nervous. I took him aside and asked him if he was alright. He ended up admitting that he stole her necklace.
He bursted into tears saying that he was really sorry, he didn’t want to, and John made him do it. He was bordering a panic attack. I called my sister over and told her what happened. I then asked her what she was going to do about this. She said “What am I supposed to do? I can’t control them and they’re old enough to figure things out on their own.”
So I said: “so you’re completely fine with John bullying Finn? It doesn’t bother you at all?” She said that it does bother me. So I asked why she doesn’t do anything about it then. I straight up told her that I don’t want to hear any of her BS excuses. She asked me what I meant by that.
So I told her, your excuses are pathetic. John has autism, boys will be boys, I’m scared, Finn needs to learn to stand up for himself, etc etc. I told her that these are all BS and that she’s setting both kids up for failure.
She started bawling and called me a heartless judgmental b*tch who won’t understand. She then left, leaving her husband and kids. I told her husband what happened and he just sighed.
My mom then called me later saying that I should be kinder to my sister. I told her I was just telling the truth. My mom then said that I’m acting like one of those annoying “I was only being honest” assholes. AITA?
Let's find out.
gottalaundermykarma writes:
NTA. With Finn being 15, he is still at an age where an adult needs to step in if they see something wrong, and this is wrong. Allowing one child to bully another child is abuse and you have every right to shine a spotlight on that. Have you talked to Finn about this separately to see what he is thinking and feeling?
actrep writes:
NTA. I had to check John's age twice. He's 25! He's an adult. Autism isn't an excuse for bullying even if he were a kid. Honestly. ask Finn if the day he turns 16 he wants to move into your home and be part of yoru family and get away from an older brother who torments him and a mother who doesn't care to help him.
I feel sorry for your sister, who if she says she's 'afraid' is likely also getting bullied by John, but she is an adult: she needs to figure this out herself. Finn's the one who needs rescuing.
merrymouse7 writes:
NTA. You're 100% correct. Your sister is setting her sons up for failure, especially John. Having autism is no excuse for John's bullying or bad behavior. Many autistic people can learn better behavior.
Your sister is allowing her 15 year old son to be bullied by his much older brother. At 15, he still needs support to stand up to his brother - Finn is not old enough to figure this out. This isn't a 'boys will be boys' issue (which is a BS excuse in my book) but a serious parenting failure. Finn is likely to go NC with his parents as soon as he's out of the house. I can't imagine how he feels.
Also, John should be able to understand that stealing anything is wrong, and it's not a prank to steal. One day he's going to take it too far, and your sister won't be able to intervene. Keep the lines of communication open with Finn. He's going to need support.