When this wife is annoyed with her husband, she asks Reddit:
I (40/F) work full time. My husband (46/M) is a stay-at-home-dad since COVID. Things were tight for a bit when he quit his full-time job and tried to start his own business (there were losses that caused debt). Finances have been a bit of a sore spot since his business failure.
I've always made significantly more than him. I've always been supportive when he's wanted to change jobs, start his own business, etc. When he sent us into a death spiral of debt with a failing business venture that he refused to let go of was kind of a breaking point.
He spent the majority of his time blaming me for our financial position which was absurd as I was the only one bringing in money. He was spending it faster than I could make it. He briefly got a job but then ended up quitting at staying at home when everything closed down. I was in an essential industry and had to go to work in person.
Since he's been at home he's been extremely controlling over the finances. He obviously gets all the mail because he's at home. So, he opens all of the bills and then quizzes me over the charges. He 'claims' it's to make sure they're legit charges but that's complete bull. The conversations are usually like this:
Him: 'Is the $5 charge ok?'; Me: 'Yes.'; Him: 'What is it for?' ; Me: 'It's a patreon subscription.' ; Him: 'What is the subscription for?' ; Me: 'Why does it matter? I told you it was a legitimate charge.' ; Him: 'I want to know what it is for.' ;Me: 'Do I go thru all of your bills and ask you what every charge is for?' Him '.....'
Then the conversation will shift from making sure it's a legitimate charge to him making sure it's a 'need' and not a 'want.' I'm sorry, but who the eff gave you the power to tell me I'm not allowed to get things I 'want' when I bust my butt every day to make a good living?
This year I brought in more than $300,000 (before taxes). More than enough to pay off all the remaining debt from his failed business attempt with more than enough left over for all of our needs AND quite a few wants. I lost it today when he was questioning me on purchasing clothes for our kids (both recently had a growth spurt and need some new stuff) that were on clearance.
I told him to eff off, which I know was inappropriate, but I am SO SICK of having the justify every single penny I spend. Having him interrogate me over every purchase. I'm to the point where I want to get a secret credit card just so I don't have to deal with the incessant questions and outward displays of control from him. AITA?
Hopping on here to advise that you set up separate accounts - one that your paycheck goes into and then one that you pay into to pay bills. He can be miserly and controlling over the second and leave you the f alone about the first. The nerve of such entitlement. NTA.
NTA and he's turning into a mooch.. If the money were actually his, he absolutely would use it to control you. As it is, all he has the power to do is complain and berate you because he likely feels emasculated with the role reversal. Counseling ASAP if you want to save your marriage, and time to be absolutely clear about your boundaries, because right now I'm not sure what he's bringing to the table as a partner.
NTA. Maybe he has an extra business credit card bill floating around out there he's trying yo payoff before you find out. I'd be checking my credit. eta- use that card to nickel and dime his time. Keep the detective busy by making many tiny purchases.