'Am I wrong for not telling my fiancée I didn’t get her a diamond ring?'

"Am I wrong for not telling my fiancée I didn’t get her a diamond ring?"

So my girlfriend (25F) and I (26M) have been together for three years and living together for most of it. I just graduated college, and she’s been in the workforce for a bit longer. We’ve been talking about marriage for a while and agreed it was time to take the next step.

After a bunch of conversations, I decided to surprise her with a proposal. I went all out—super romantic, almost movie-level stuff (we both work in film). I had some industry friends help me capture the whole thing, and it turned out amazing. She loved it. We both posted it online, and everyone was commenting on how beautiful the ring was and how big the diamond looked. She almost couldn’t believe it herself.

Rightfully so because it’s not a diamond. It’s moissanite. I just graduated, and honestly, I couldn’t afford a big diamond, but I wanted to give her something that looked nice and made her feel special. Moissanite was way more affordable and still looked beautiful, so I went with that.

My intention was never to deceive her, I just figured I’d tell her later and then things got hectic with wedding planning and I never did. Well, we recently went to a jeweler to get custom wedding bands made, and the jeweler mentioned that her engagement ring wasn’t a real diamond.

She turned to me, asked if it was true, and I admitted it. She stormed out of the store and later texted me saying she felt totally betrayed. Since then, she’s locked herself in the bedroom, hasn’t worn the ring, and I’ve been sleeping on the couch. It’s been a few days now and she still won’t talk to me.

I get that I should’ve told her, but I didn’t think it was going to be such a huge deal. I just wanted her to have something beautiful. So…am I wrong?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Inevitable_Pie9541 said:

If the stone was that large, and you're in early career, your fiancée really should have known it couldn't be a diamond, because you couldn't afford it. However, it sounds like she did think it was a diamond, and if you let her believe it was, didn't correct her to say no it isn't, that wasn't a smart move. Because from her point of view, you deceived her. She sees it as lying by omission.

Also if she was showing off her big "diamond" ring, and maybe bragging a bit, now she feels stupid. You're wrong because you would have avoided all this drama if you'd just told her. The fact you "meant to" but somehow got "too busy" to do so? Dude...you knew she wouldn't be happy, that's why you put off telling her.

No-one is owed a diamond engagement ring, but if you think you got one, and are blindsided, in public, by finding out that instead you got a far lesser stone, disappointment is understandable. If her being mad about it is a deal-breaker, fair enough. It's your call.

Sleepmaster789 said:

You should have told her it wasn't a diamond, the reasons why it wasn't a diamond, and if and when you would get her a real diamond....she is probably thinking you lied by omission and what else have you lied about...or he doesn't even love me enough to get me a diamond he tried to trick me and I'm a fool for believing it...plus now she looks like a liar to everyone who commented they loved her diamond ring.

Orphan_Izzy said:

It’s not about the diamond dude. You let her think it was a diamond and so she did. All of your friends and family thought it was too and were commenting on it like crazy and so now that she knows she has to lie by omission to everyone or tell them you’d had a misunderstanding and that is awkward and embarrassing either way.

It has little to do with the stone itself and more to do with you making an accidental liar out of your gf. You have made the ring a source of humiliation now and ruined the proposal’s memory. It also makes a big difference to insurance companies.

Overall you swapped out a stone traditionally known to be one thing with cheaper lookalike stone which feels deceptive and not on the up and up. It feels sneaky and not thoughtful.

What if she gave you a really expensive looking car that looked just like what you assumed it was? Then after you drive it around in front of your friends and family and they all gawk at how lucky you are and how nice it is she tells you that no it’s not the car you thought it was but some knockoff version that was an excellent copy.

Now you have to lie or tell everyone it’s not what they or you thought. You’d feel some type of way about it and you’d think she should have told you from the start. You put her in an awkward position that lessens the overall magic of the whole proposal. You kind of cheapened it by being sneaky and not upfront.

Pale_Air_5309 said:

I wanted a moissanite for my wedding set, I did my research and fell in love with them. I've since divorced and curated a collection of moissanite jewelry. I'm a huge fan of it. However had my ex bought me a diamond, and I found out later, I would have been very upset with him.

Especially if he let me believe it was moissanite. Not because of the stone, but because of trust. Honestly I suspected he might because he was concerned with ordering a moissanite through the supplier I wanted. Until he saw the price of diamond rings in the mall.

It's not about the ring, it's not about the stone. It's about the trust on a ring she plans to wear for the rest of her life. She's understandably devastated and likely wondering what else she's missed, or what other things she believed that might not be true.

If this is a materialistic situation and I've misread, then congratulations on finding out before the marriage. But if this isn't a materialistic situation, you fucked up. You need to do the best you can to make it right. Even if an end goal is to replace the moissanite with a diamond later down the road, but that needs to be communicated. It should have been prior to the purchase, but the next best time is now.

Whiteroses7252012 said:

If I had to guess, it’s not that it isn’t a diamond. It’s the fact that you let her think it was and didn’t correct her until you had no choice. It’s a lie by omission, imho, and one that will most likely make her look stupid if she corrects people.

I say this as someone who has a garnet engagement ring: if my husband had lied to me and let me think it was a ruby, I would have been pissed. Not because of the stone itself, but because he wasn’t honest.

Blonde2468 said:

It’s not about the diamond it’s about the LIES!!! You had the chance to tell her EVERY SINGLE DAY and yet you didn’t. LIES OF OMISSION ARE STILL LIES!

elotoolow said:

To me this isn't about being materialistic. You wanted to give her something that made her feel special. But by letting her believe it was a diamond and then not correcting that for a long time, that takes away the feeling of specialness. This isn't a perfect analogy but it's helpful to look at it this way. Also let's pretend watches don't have the brand name on them.

Let's pretend your fiancé were to gift you a really nice looking watch to make you feel special. You thought it was a Rolex and so did everyone around you. You showed it off to all your friends and family and they also thought it was a Rolex and were very impressed. They were raving about how amazing your fiancé is for getting you something so nice. And your fiancé never says otherwise.

But then you go to a jeweler and they tell you it's not a Rolex, it's a Seiko. You would probably be hurt that your fiancé let you go around thinking and telling everyone you know that it's a Rolex. And they weren't even the one to tell you, it was a stranger who told you months after you were gifted the watch.

And now either you have to tell all your friends that it's not a Rolex and you didn't know because that's what your fiancé let you believe, or you don't correct them and know it's all a lie. You would probably feel some embarrassment, especially since so many friends thought it was something it was not.

If I give someone a gift, and they assume it's something it's not, I correct them. Because otherwise you're taking credit for something you didn't do. You're also building it in their head that it's nicer than it is. So inevitably when they find out, they are let down.

Even if someone has low expectations originally, if they're made to believe they've got something very nice, that sets the expectation that it is what it's purported to be. To take that away makes it less nice. And it will always have an air of deception around it.

Also, there's a concept that people care about losing something than gaining something. You get more negative value from losing 20 dollars than you get positive value from gaining 20 dollars. Same thing applies here: your fiancé may not have needed to get a diamond ring to feel special, but having it essentially taken away makes her feel very bad, especially when the truth came from a stranger.

There's also something to say about trust. Do you really want the start and symbol of your marriage to be deception and lying by omission? Maybe she now thinks she can't trust you. Because if you're able to lie by omission about this, you can lie by omission about other things. And the ring is a daily reminder of that now.

Also, a bit of jewelry advice: lab diamonds are very affordable right now. You can go find something that's less than $1,000 for 1 carat. Maybe even 1.5-2 carats depending on the specs.