Young trans man doesn't know how to cope when parents say 'our daughter is dead.'
When this man doesn't know how to deal with his transphobic parents, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for telling my mom that I'm not dead and to stop saying they 'lost' their daughter?'
I came out as Non binary to my family a year ago. I understand that it takes time for people to get used a big change but the only thing that changed was that I wanted to be called by they/them pronouns I didn't change my name. I still do the same thing I always did I still do feminine things (eg wearing dresses, putting on makeup and baking).
But every time I wanted to do something masculine or show my pride (eg getting a pride flag, getting a binder or playing video games) my mom always says that she misses her daughter and she'll never get to talk about boys I like or go clothes shopping with me. I like going to go clothes shopping but its mostly because I get to talk about random stuff.
Today I snapped I was celebrating my one year of being trans and I was getting a binder (for anyone who doesn't know what a binder is, it is similar to a bra but it squishes your boobs to look like you have a flat chest). My mom said that I was going too fast I didn't give her any time to mourn the lost of her daughter.
I said that I shouldn't stop doing things to make me happy and you need to stop mourning because I'm not dead and I'm the same but happier. My mom started crying and I started crying out of anger and I left the room and went to try to calm down.
My dad came home and yelled at me and told me to snap out of the dumb phase and all I want is people to treat me special because all trans people are like that. I am now grounded and they took all of my money as a punishment. AITA?
Let's see what internet users had to say on this one. If anything, they have advice for OP.
jnf87 writes:
NTA. For one, it's super insulting to people who actually have lost a child and would kill for your parents situation instead. Secondly, your dad's response is more telling as to what the problem is than your mom's, they think it's something you're going to snap out of and your mom's approach is to guilt-trip you into reverting back to what makes her more comfortable.
There is a level of adjustment for parents, particularly those who aren't particularly progressive or enlightened about LGBTQ issues, that I think is normal, but this is well above and beyond what's acceptable.
indepedentlife writes:
NTA.I mean, it sucks that your family isn't supportive. The reality is that they will either choose to accept you/love you or they won't. You know what feels right to you, and from what you mentioned it sounds like even fairly mild steps are confounding to your parents.
Since you said you are 15, and I assume moving out or staying with other family isn't an option, when things are calmer I would try to approach your mom (who seems somewhat amenable to reason) and talk to her. Say that it's hurtful to hear that she misses you when you're right there, trying to figure out how to navigate being your authentic self. Tell her you can still bond over lots of things, even if it looks different than she expected.
In a perfect world, all parents would just immediately adapt, but it sounds like she's taking some time to mourn that she had a vision of 'a daughter' that is now not going to happen the way expected. And then try to authentically connect with her over those things. If you can be calm, I think she'll maybe be able to see the light. You can even say, 'Mom, if I had naturally very small boobs, would you be mourning the loss of a daughter?
Why does having breasts make me more worthy of love or not?' It seems silly, but maybe remind her of the 'feminine' things you still enjoy. She may be seeking to just understand that you aren't going to become a totally and completely different person.
The reason I say work on Mom because it sounds like Dad is just anti-trans and it would be helpful to have an ally in your Mom. I can't tell if Dad is just super transphobic or he's upset that Mom is crying and there's anger/chaos emotionally in the house. In any event, good luck, and sorry you're dealing with this.