'AITA if I don’t donate my kidney to my dying ex husband? I’m wavering.'
'AITAH if I don’t donate my kidney to my dying ex husband?'
For some preface, I wasn’t married very long and have been divorced for five years. I also never really liked the man. I was younger and insecure and frankly stupid when I agreed to marry him.
He turned out to be extremely abusive as well and I left the marriage after nearly a year. He’s dying due to kidney damage from a chronic disease. To be clear, the disease isn’t specific to his kidneys. He was warned about the possibility of this occurring for YEARS if he didn’t stop eating certain foods.
He apparently never stopped and now he’s dying. Anyway, he reached out to me and asked out of desperation if I’d donate a kidney. I have a rare blood type that matches most for donations and I guess he remembered. I am at a loss.
On the one hand I want to tell him no, on the other I know doing so may result in him passing given the transplant list is VERY long and his health his failing fast. I want feedback on my choice as I’m wavering.
We don’t have kids but he does. So I have an added fear of being responsible in an indirect way of the child losing their father because I strongly hate him and wouldn’t help. It’s a great kid too that deserves the best in life.
I feel bad for his kid. I feel bad it’s a human life. I try my best to be a good person and not allow how I’ve been treated to impact my choices. I’m also pretty f&%$ing stupid and naïve it seems. Am I the asshole if I say no?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Hemenucha says:
You're not stupid and naive. You're a human with compassion. I would say this, though. You may not even be an appropriate match. There are other markers besides blood types for kidney transplants these days. (I know this because my husband is on dialysis.)
And where I live, if someone needs a life-saving transplant, they're accelerated on the list. A person who's doing relatively well on dialysis wouldn't be the priority.
itsameetgrowaway OP responded:
Thank you. I feel very stupid and naive. I’m trying not to be. So I appreciate that!
Broad-Discipline2360 says:
NTA. No no no no. Nope. Do not donate any body part to an ABUSIVE ex.
Fromashination says:
She should donate her foot to his a$$ and put a bow on it.
itsameetgrowaway OP responded:
Omg I love you 😂
Historical_Agent9426 asks:
Are you the only person he has asked? If other people have offered up their kidneys to him and not matched, they can be part of a donor chain. I understand he is desperate, but you can’t be the only person with Type O- he has ever met and the fact he asked you, a person he victimized, is really telling.
itsameetgrowaway OP responded:
I’m not. He’s exhausted all connections in asking. I was a little suspicious he was pulling something because I’m clearly a pretty easy victim for him. But did poke around to see if he was being honest and he sadly is. He’s out of people (probably because he’s an a#@hole) and the donor list is long enough he’s facing not living to the time he may receive a donor.
MainEgg320 writes:
NTA. A word of advice if you want to avoid drama and guilt tripping.. agree to “see if you are a match”, but while you are alone with the doctor tell them you do not want to do it. They will tell them you aren’t a match regardless if you are or not. This unfortunately happens a lot in families so doctors are well versed in how to handle this.
itsameetgrowaway OP responded:
Ohhhh I like this!!! Thank you!!!
user-name-name-user writes:
OP, I’m a transplant nurse. There is no way of knowing whether you’d be a match without being tested specifically for this. There is a lot more to it than just blood type. Chances are you wouldn’t be able to donate even if you wanted to.
But regardless, it doesn’t sound like this man deserves your kidney. Never donate unless you’re 100 percent sure and ready to live the rest of your life with only one kidney and the consequences and lifestyle changes that entails.
itsameetgrowaway OP responded:
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Still-Maintenance-93 says:
Would you do it for a stranger, just for the charity and selflessness of it? If so, then do it to save a life. If you wouldn't do it for anyone other than a dear family member, then don't do it for him. Treat him as you would treat a stranger you empathize with.
itsameetgrowaway OP responded:
Thank you!! I appreciate this. I probably would for a total stranger.