'WIBTA if I told my parents I don't want to move back in with them? They left for 7 yrs.'
"WIBTA if I told my parents I don't want to go back to living with them?"
Seven years ago my (F17) parents decided to go on a world trip. Because I was too young to join them, they arranged for me to live with their best friends who've they've known since elementary school and they were giving temporary guardianship of me.
These friends (let's call them Pete and May) own and live on a horse ranch in Montana, so for me, having lived in Chicago until then, it was a huge change. I was (of course) really angry, depressed and sad at first because I felt like my parents abandoned me.
Pete and May really helped a lot in coming to terms with those feelings. They've always treated me like their own daughter and taught me so much. I learned how to ride horses and how to take care of them. I help out on the ranch regularly, while attending school virtually.
We go horse riding in the open country and in the mountains every weekend with the three of us. They even gifted me my own horse to care for, and I love her so much. Honestly, this kind of life just sits so well with me. I am genuinely enjoying every second of my life.
I do have semi-regular contact with my parents, like once every few weeks. Sometimes a videocall/voicecall, sometimes just an email, postcards, etc. But after the initial period of feeling abandoned, I don't think I ever really missed them.
Now my parents have sent me a message saying they're done with their travels and are coming to pick me up so we can live together again, how much they missed me and can't wait to see me again. Which I think is really unfair because if they really missed me they wouldn't have gone off traveling for seven years.
And I just don't want to. After living so close to nature for so long, really getting into this lifestyle and spending so much time around the horses, I don't think I can go back to living in the city. I don't want to abandon my horse either, and honestly Pete and May feel more like my parents than my real parents at this point.
WIBTA if I told my parents that I don't really miss them and don't want to return to live with them and just want to stay where I am?
UPDATE: I didn't expect this to get so many responses. I'm going to try and answer some questions that a lot of people have, though honestly I don't really know a lot of things either. I had a conversation with Pete and May, but they didn't really seem clear on many details either.
First off, and probably the most important one, I asked them if they'd allow me to stay, and they told me they consider me their daughter so I can stay as long as I want, they'd love to have me around. So at least regardless of what happens, I will have a place to call home.
Secondly, a lot of people mentioned that maybe my parents are on the run from the law or something else. I never even thought about that possibility. I guess it could be true, but I don't really know how to find out. Though it's a bit of a scary thought.
Thirdly, when Pete and May agreed to take me in, my parents apparently just said they'd go out of the country for a little while. Pete and May took me in under the condition that my parents would visit often, and they agreed, but we know how that went. Pete and May would often call my parents telling them to come visit because I needed my parents, but they never came.
Pete and May eventually realised (after like 1 year) that there'd be a reasonable chance that my parents would not come back, despite the semi-regular contact they had with me. So they would raise me the best they could themselves.
Asking about how my parents were when they were younger, apparently my parents have always been a bit strange. Very little sense of responsibility, never taking things seriously, always getting in trouble. Guess they didn't really grow out of that phase.
This coming weekend I'm going to sit down with Pete to write a proper response to my parents because I don't think I'd be able to write a message without getting emotional. Hopefully once my parents read it, things will go like I want them to go, because the more I read the replies here, the more unsure I am about what kind of people my parents actually are.
Here were the top rated comments from readers at this point:
NTA. This is basically abandonment, regardless of the legal definition. They left you to be raised by other people for almost half your life, and in my view they have forfeited any moral rights or expectations that they may have once had, to be seen as your parents.
I wouldn't say that you don't miss them and have no interest in seeing them. The less they feel that it's a competition between them and Pete + May, the less likely they are to make things difficult for you. But do tell them you're very happy and settled where you are and don't plan to move back to the city - and that they are welcome to visit you at the ranch.
Also speak to Pete + May and make sure they understand how you feel. They may assume that you want to go back to your birth parents.
Edit: I'm pretty shocked that your parents would leave you for 7 years to go travelling, but honestly I'm more shocked that they think they can just waltz back into your life and pick up where they left off. Life just doesn't work that way.
It's kindda crazy. They abandoned OP at 10 years old...they basically passed 7 years of parenting onto someone else and only came back when she's almost an adult.
Kind of reminds me of rich people that ship their kids off to boarding schools at age 6 till they 18 and then are suprised their kids have no connection to them.
Hmm, I'm thinking the bio-parents need something from you, like free labor or maybe a kidney. Definitely NTA.
One week later, the OP returned with an update:
So I'm not really sure how posting updates on the subreddit works so I'm just going to post it on my profile instead. Hopefully it's visible.
Last weekend I've written a (long) message with Pete, focusing on what a lot of people have been saying. Things like that I want to finish my school here, that I'm already preparing for college here, how all my friends are here, those kinds of things. And that because of that, I don't want to leave here to begin everything new again in the city.
I didn't write anything about not missing them or anything that could cause trouble. I haven't gotten a reply yet (I don't expect one soon since they've always taken weeks to reply before).
Secondly, I tried to do a search for my parents' names to see whether they're wanted or otherwise running away from something, but wasn't able to find anything. I'm not sure if it's because they have relatively common names or because I'm just bad at searching.
One part of me is also scared to look deeper. Some people recommended hiring a private investigator, but aside from it costing a lot of money, I'm not really sure if I actually want to know anymore.
I'm not sure if it's better to have parents who are negligent and just decided to travel for years for fun or to have parents who are criminals who were on the run from the law? I guess I'm a bit scared of knowing which one it is, if I'm ever even able to find out.
Pete and May insist that they don't know anything other than my parents saying that they'd be out of the country for a while. They have asked my parents often when they'd be back or when they'd visit, but my parents apparently never gave a clear answer.
I don't really have any reason to think Pete and May are lieing to me so I think that Pete and May really don't know the reason my parents have been gone for 7 years either. So I guess now I'm just waiting until my parents respond to my message. It's kind of nerve-wracking not knowing what kind of reply I'll get.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
I cannot fathom being a parent and just deciding one day to up and ditch my kid for 7 f*^%$ng years! to go on vacation, let alone come back and expect everything to be ok.
Sh*t. I used to cry dropping my daughter off at the sitter’s when I had to go to work. This is another level of abandonment.
My poor mother had to be told she was a good and loving parent because I was too excited to go 'school' (ie kindergarten)
Age 3 or so, she drops me off. Daycare/Teachers suggests that parents stick around the first few days if they can in case the child has separation issues. Day 1, I see her lurking, tell her to buzz off. Day 2, I tell her to buzz off. Day 3 I throw a giant tantrum that she's still there. Mum and daycare figure its probably best she go. Years later I learn I actually kinda hurt her with my strong 'go away' demands lol.
I initially misread the first few paragraphs and thought OOP was 17 when her parents left and was now in her 20s, and I was already outraged on her behalf. Then I scrolled back up and read it again and realized they abandoned a 10-year-old child and now typing out how I feel about these a**holes would probably get me banned.
I don’t know what’s wilder. Leaving your kid and not visiting at all in 7 years. Or after doing that, returning and thinking that you can just pick up where you left off.