Woman doesn't tell mom about daughter's birth until after labor, mom calls her 'vindictive.'

Sometimes you have to maintain a distance to preserve a relationship.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for not telling her mom about her daughter's birth until after. She wrote:

"AITA for not telling my mother about my daughter being born till after?"

I have been with my husband 22 years. We have 4 children together, ages 20, 17, and 6, and a newborn. this might be kind of long and rambling I’m very upset so here it goes. My apologies. Before my youngest, I had given birth to my angel baby, who lived 8 minutes and was born premature. My 6-year-old was born with Down Syndrome, and a heart defect.

She needed multiple surgeries at birth, but now is thriving. I know you guys are probably thinking why would I have another baby after this, but it really wasn’t planned. My mother has said since the beginning of my pregnancy about termination, how I’m too old, how something certainly will be wrong with this baby as well.

It was stressful, and heart-wrenching; my husband talked to me how I shouldn’t tell her when I was going into labor because she would make it stressful for me. 9 days ago, I gave birth to my healthy baby girl at the age of 44, no health issues. After I came home and rested for a few days I had invited my mother over. When she got there she began to cry, and said she couldn’t believe I would exclude her.

I told her I had no other choice, that she wasn’t a healthy person to be around for my pregnancy. She accused me of silencing her “freedom of speech,” and how she was only warning me and not setting me up for heartbreak. I said no, you made me worry more than I needed too. She then said I did this out of revenge and vindictiveness, and not for my own sake but for my own satisfaction.

We got into an argument and my husband ended up asking her to leave. I’ve been upset for days now, she hasn’t answered any of my calls. I really thought I was doing the right thing for myself but now I feel selfish. AITA?

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

Snickerdoodle2021 wrote:

Most importantly, congratulations on your sweet new baby. Secondly, congratulations on marrying a partner with a spine who has your back and will defend you. Finally, NTA. 99% of the time, using "freedom of speech" as an excuse means you were wrong. She knew she was pushing buttons and she was out of line.

She is only hoping that you will knuckle under and apologize to her, thereby rationalizing her bad behavior. Look, having a baby is literally one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life. You should be surrounding yourself with support and help and love.

She can have all of her hurt feelings, but you are not in the wrong. Consider treading carefully here in the future, she may be as vindictive as she thinks you are...

JustARandomGuyReally wrote:

ESH. “Not planned” is not a valid excuse; you lucked out, but just as easily could have had a baby who would suffer because you gave birth to them — you could’ve taken precautions and could’ve terminated. But your mom is obviously manipulating you with this, so she’s an AH too.

lmmontes wrote:

NTA. Why is it more common for AHs to use free speech as an excuse for their bad behavior?

Mysterious_Pea_5008 wrote:

NTA. Congratulations on a healthy baby girl! Your Mother's reaction to seeing you'd had such a fortunate and wonderful event was to cry for herself; she seems so very nice. It's a shame you seem so desperately inclined to believe that she will magically change her mind about how she feels about you, one day.

Your husband seems to be willing and able to protect you, and he seems to adore you, and you have a terrific family; why do you let someone so destructive play any role in your life?

OP responded:

I’m actually in therapy for it :) It has been this way my whole life, and I have an older sister who is a dental surgeon who I am constantly compared to, while I run my own business with my husband, we are successful but not as much as my sister in her eyes. Favoritism at its best :)

OP is NTA here, this seems like a tough parental dynamic.