'WIBTA if I told my 'sick' 28yo daughter she needs to move out and care for herself?'
"WIBTA if I told my daughter (28F) she is not allowed to live with us anymore?"
Two years ago, my daughter moved back in with us, insisting that she had a mysterious disease called "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.” She has now been lying in bed for the last two years, only rarely venturing outside for doctors’ appointments (during which she makes us use a wheelchair to transport her to + from the office).
She fears that any exertion will make her worse and she will “end up on a feeding tube.” She makes my wife cater to her by bringing her food and water at least twice a day.
It is my suspicion that my daughter’s mental health history contributes to this disease she is so fixated on. She was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) several years ago, and though she denies having it now/
I have done my best to inform her medical team of that diagnosis, as well as her other past mental health disorders including anorexia several years ago, which was so severe that she needed to be hospitalized.
I love her and want the best for her, but think it benefits none of us to hide this history from her doctors.
I think she has moved back in with us as a way to escape the stresses and responsibilities of real life, and she is using this new diagnosis of CFS as an excuse. She never had a full-time job and seemed content to coast on part-time jobs after her graduation in 2019, and (conveniently) 2020 interrupted her search for work.
After this, she never went back to work again, not even part time. She claims she tried to find work in 2021, and before she became bedridden, but my daughter does not have the most trustworthy track record. (See: BPD diagnosis.) She did apply and get into grad school, but in my opinion this is still a step down from finding a full-time job in terms of the "stages of life."
She has thus far managed to manipulate both of her doctors—her GP and her “CFS specialist”—that she indeed has "Severe CFS." She's done this with the help of a psychiatrist, and who seems to be very easily manipulated himself and treats my wife and I as though we are abusers.
(Of course he would, given that he has consistently heard my daughter’s side of the story. Even when we spoke to him in private, with my daughter’s consent, and I tried to get my point of view across and to be heard, he was adamant in painting me as the villain, and he did not seem to “hear” me at all.)
Before the psychiatrist spoke to the GP, the GP seemed ambivalent about whether my daughter’s condition was physical or psychological, but now the GP insists, along with my daughter and the CFS specialist, that she does indeed have CFS. My daughter has manipulated other psychiatrists in the past as well, for example, making them believe that I am a "Bad Guy."
On the practical side: my wife and I are in our late 60s and we are not getting any stronger. I recently had back surgery which is very painful, and it is quite the experience hearing my daughter wailing from upstairs for her food while I have a gaping wound in my back for which I was prescribed opiates.
My wife has bad knees and it pains me to see her going up and down the stairs in order to wait on my daughter, whom I genuinely believe is perfectly capable of getting her own food and water herself, despite what she has told herself and convinced her doctors to tell her.
She asked for me to bring up some water the other day and when I told her that she is capable of getting it herself, she became very angry and called me an "a%#$ole" (ironically).
My daughter is nearly 30 and while I understand how comforting it may be to stay in the nest, she needs to learn to be self-sufficient so that she is not depending on her parents as we age into our 70s, 80s, 90s. So: WIBTA if I told her she needs to stop blaming everything on CFS, get back on her feet and learn to support herself?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
blankspacepen says:
Info: did you expect your wife to care for you following your surgery?
wibta77788882 OP responded:
Of course. Because it is a legitimate thing. Not laziness.
Fluffy_Vacation1332 says:
There’s a lot of bias here...Like it’s disproportionate to a point where people will do research studies on it. if you would’ve switched genders as the mother and instead of a daughter, you had a son, they would be completely in the other direction immediately..
They’re not even shy about telling you that’s how they determine everything
committedlikethepig says:
If she has time to research to prove to you how bad her symptoms are, she has time to work from home and help out. At the very least apply to disability.
If her doctors are so adamant you are a villain, she absolutely shouldn’t be living with you. She should probably be living in an assisted living facility with people who can cater to her every whim. After she pays them for it.
wibta77788882 OP responded:
Ha! I like the way you think.
55tarabelle says:
If she is bedridden and you can't provide the care, she should be eligible for medicaid, whatever it's called in your state, and then placed in a nursing home covered by that program would be next logical step.
Velvetblue22 says:
So multiple of her trained doctors are wrong but you are right ? Ok.
wibta77788882 OP responded:
Yes. Because she has manipulated them.
Killingtime_onReddit says:
YTA. CFS is a true condition. If you don’t understand these things, maybe go into your daughter’s appointments with her or seek care taker support for you and your wife.
If you are unwilling to care for your daughter any longer prepare her for that before you leave her high and dry. It’s difficult enough to be chronically ill without the people you rely on for support not believing you actually have said illness.