'AITA for giving my adult daughter money to make up for missing her senior trip?' UPDATED

"AITA for giving my adult daughter money to make up for missing out on her senior trip?"

Here's the original post:

I have three kids we'll call Brock (24M), Misty (21F), and Ash (19F). Misty graduated from high school in 2020. Due to world events, her senior year was spent at home. Things like her senior trip, spring break, and prom got cancelled. Her school never planned a "make up" trip or prom for her year and instead went back to business for the class of 2021.

Misty, props to her, never complained about it. She accepted things with a sense of resignation, if that makes sense. Regardless, I can see that it hurt her to see her brother and sister get to do the things she couldn't do.

A few weeks ago, Misty reached out and asked if I can help her out with something. Her favorite actor is going to be performing on Broadway next spring and she desperately wants to see that show. She's in college and has a job, but needs help paying for a ticket.

She made it clear that I didn't have to pay her if I didn't want to. But given what happened three years ago and how she took it, I felt bad for her. What she went through wasn't fair.

So I bought Misty a ticket for opening night. It was expensive, yes, but frankly it was about the same amount that was spent for Ash's prom or Brock's letterman jacket and banquet.

My husband doesn't agree. He thinks that I'm spoiling Misty. He doesn't see how it's fair to give our adult daughter money for a trip but not do the same for the other kids. To him, what happened in 2020 happened in 2020 and you can't do anything to fix it.

I disagree. Brock and Ash got to go on trips, banquets, and prom for their senior year and Misty spent hers under lockdown. She really had nothing to commemorate senior year. And if anything, the money I spent on her ticket came out to less than all of the senior year expenses for either of our other children.

I need an outside perspective. AITA? Or is my husband in the wrong?

Edit: it’s late. I’m going to talk some sense into the dingus I married. I’ll update if possible. And for those who asked, the musical is Cabaret.

Most commenters agreed she's NTA. Here are some top comments:

[deleted] said:

NTA why does your husband hate your daughter so much.

Alpacador_ said:

NTA. Senior trip and this concert may be apples and oranges- but so are your kids, and the circumstances of their years in high school. Instead of spending her money first then asking you for rent, she prioritized adult responsibilities and only then reached out for help getting some fun experiences she wants, deserves, and probably very much needs after a stressful transition from HS to college.

Yes, 2020 is over and nothing will change that: but there's nothing wrong with telling her you're proud of how she' handled it and handing over money you'd budgeted for her HS senior expenses. Hope she enjoys the show!

Cool_Understanding96 said:

NTA - you give your kids what they need at the time. If you need to keep it "fair" call it an early Christmas present. Your husband keeping score, willing to deny his daughter a once in a lifetime experience, he is the @$$hole.

slap-a-frap said:

NTA - that's a very nice gesture you are doing for your daughter and I support it. Since hubby is insisting on being an AH, tell him the money came out of his Christmas Present fund so he shouldn't be expecting much from you this year. It's like the rules say, naughty kids (AH's in this case) get coal for Christmas.

And Bananas4skail said:

NTA. Stand your ground. You are absolutely right about this. The fact that she accepted it all with grace make this kind of positive reinforcement even more important. Sounds like shes a tender soul (asking but not demanding, guilting or acting entitled). Hubs is wrong 100% make a spreadsheet if he needs a visual

Two weeks after her original post, the mom shared this update:

It's been a few weeks and I'm happy to say progress was made. I sat my husband down for a talk. Mainly, I wanted to know why he thought I was spoiling Misty and why he was gungho about treating our other two kids the same. I may have also chewed him out for acting like missing senior year was no big deal because he didn't see how much his daughter looked hurt during Ash's year.

And that just because his family cut him off at 18 doesn't mean he can repeat the cycle again for his own children after spending 25 years trying to prove that he is a better parent than they were. I hate to admit it, but it boiled down to poor communication. My husband (MH) just assumed we were giving Misty money to go somewhere on spring break when we've never done it with our other two kids.

We told our kids when they were starting college that while we're happy to help them with whatever expenses they will need, we aren't going to fund any activities that will involve binge drinking or acting like a jackass (i.e. Spring Break. I grew up in South Texas. I know that environment).

MH told me he while he isn't upset about how much I spent, he wished I had talked to him about it first since we share finances.

Now here's where I messed up: I said in my original post that I sent money to Misty. I actually purchased a ticket for her. Knowing how quickly tickets go, I went on the ticket website and just bought one for her.

She originally wanted to get a mezzanine seat towards the back for $160. I saw some available orchestra seats that were closer to the stage for twice the amount. So I told Misty not to worry about it, and I went and purchased her a better seat in the first row behind some tables. The total came out to around $350.

MH and I talked it over and we made up. We're going to better work on our communication skills moving forward and be more transparent with our finances.

Now here's the big update. Misty came home from college for Thanksgiving. We sat her down at the kitchen table. I had the spreadsheets detailing the amount we spent for Brock and Ash's senior years and the average. We told Misty that we're sorry we never did anything to make up for her lost year. We told her that we a budget for her. What does she want to do?

Misty decided she wanted to do two things: The first is to use part of the money to spend spring break in New York. This coincides with seeing Cabaret. Her two best friends attend college in New York, so her plan is to take a train (we live in Boston, so it's a four hour Amtrak ride) and spend the week at her friends' dorm.

My husband and I are planning a couple of excursions for them, like dinner at a nice restaurant. But this is all going to take time put together. Misty would also like to use whatever is left to buy a moped.

All in all, this turned out really well. Misty is ecstatic about seeing Cabaret. This will be her first Broadway show and her first solo trip. We haven't seen her this happy in a long time.