"AITA for making my friend pick up her kids?"
My friend, let’s call her Amy, has 4 kids and she’s a single mom. She has joint custody of two and sole of the other two. We’ve been friends for years and we were all so close that her kids even called me mom #2.
So, over the last few years, I’ve been helping her with them. I’ve babysat countless times, taken kids two and from school, taken them to games and practices, taken care of them when they were sick, etc. I do a lot and she has acknowledged that and thanked me countless times. I love them all, so of course I have no problem helping.
Now, to the problem. About a month ago she took her two daughters to an out of state tournament. She asked me if I could pick up the other two and babysit them until she gets back (probably 6ish hours). Sure, no problem.
All I asked is that she makes sure that their dad will actually let me pick them up. They despise each other and have a extremely volatile co-parenting relationship so I didn’t want to waste my time just to go over there and have him slam the door in my face.
So, she checked. Apparently he wasn’t okay with them coming to my house because her kids told him that my boyfriend doesn’t like kids (which is true but he doesn’t like any kids, not just hers) and they aren’t comfortable at my house.
Obviously hurt by that because every time they are at my house, I let them do whatever they want and give them whatever they want. Also, it’s worth noting that when they are over, my boyfriend stays in the basement. They might see him for 30 seconds total the whole time they’re at my house.
So, that made me sad and upset, but whatever, the dad can keep them for an extra 6 hours which was now the plan. Probably 5 minutes later, she texts me again saying everything was now fine and I could go pick them up as planned.
I responded saying that I didn’t think that was a good idea. I don’t want her kids at my house if they’re not comfortable. So she responded saying that she would make other arrangements, and I never heard from her again. She ended up leaving the tournament early and had someone drive her child who was in the tournament home.
Normally we talk every single day, and it’s been pure silence ever since. Fast forward a few weeks and it’s her youngest’s birthday. I haven’t missed a birthday in 4 years, and this year I find myself not invited. So, I decided to extend an olive branch and send her child some birthday gifts in the mail.
Her birthday comes, I get the notification they were delivered, and not a word from her. I text her oldest asking if she got them and she tells me she did and she loves them. Now I’m just pissed. She couldn’t even send a simple thank you text.
I’ve been sitting here for weeks trying to figure out how or why she would possibly be this mad at me. I’m sad, angry, feel absolutely used and I’m just trying to figure out, am I wrong? Am I the bad guy? Do I need to apologize?
Here's what people had to say:
spaceguitar comments:
Hi, let’s share some truth: This person does not hold you in esteem. She is not your friend, or rather you were never her friend. You are someone she has been able to use as free babysitting. That’s it.
Now that you have run out your usefulness, there is no longer a reason to have you around. Please trim the excess fat and remove this person from your life. Also, can’t you tell she’s messy AF at this point?
MidnightTL wants to know:
I think the real question here is why you’re playing middle man with her two children’s dad. Why would you need to babysit them at all if they could just stayed with their dad until she’s back to pick them up, regardless of anything to do with your boyfriend. There’s another custodial parent available.
You say it’s a volatile coparenting relationship, but could that be in part because she’s taking away time with his kids just to have them be babysit by a third party?
OP answers:
So, it’s a domestic violence situation at this point. I’ve inserted myself because the father will be on his best behavior if I’m there. He doesn’t want a witness when he does the crazy stuff. She has filed a police report.
The whole drop off time has been a big issue. When one doesn’t pick up or drop off on time, the other throws a fit. So she really tries to make sure that she is always on time so he can’t throw it in her face that she’s a bad mom who can’t pick up her kids on time. Honestly, it’s a mess.
Initial_Research4617 doesn't trust OP's boyfriend:
If the kids say your house makes them uncomfortable then something has happened. You can’t be for sure unless you right there on their backs the whole time all the time to be sure. Maybe she talked to HER kids and didn’t like what what was said. And is drawing a firm line.That’s fine. That’s what parents do to protect their kids.
You yourself said your boyfriend doesn’t like kids. Maybe he said something to them behind your back, who knows. Only thing I would have sent your gift back. But she doesn’t owe you anything and you don’t owe her either. Maybe she’ll talk to you about it later on. Give her time.
OP defends her man:
I can promise that her kids have never been left alone with him. Not that I don’t trust him with them, I’m just always with them. He always stays in the basement when they’re over and if he does come upstairs, it’s for 30 seconds and even then he doesn’t say a word. He’s very awkward around child and avoids them at all costs. So he definitely wouldn’t go out of his way to speak to them.
Shakeit126 says:
You did nothing wrong. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend did anything wrong either. He probably just wants to be left alone in his home.
What do you think?
Is there more to this story, or should OP cut her losses and find new friends?