"AITA for snapping at a SAHM who said I 'don't know what tired is' since I don't have kids?" UPDATED

"AITA for how I responded to a 'friend' at my friend's birthday dinner?"

Here's the original post:

Hello, I am part of a friend group of 5 girls all 20-22 years old. We live in Europe and this post is translated to English. My friend A had her birthday dinner with the group yesterday. A's "friend" B is 22 and a SAHM. I am an university student. Yesterday, when B arrived (late) she looked at me and said "You look like $h!t."

Not very nice but true, so fair enough because I really looked like $h!t. Why? I have a lot of courses that I have to attend and I cannot delay them. The exams are coming. I am studying for more than 90 hours per week without counting the lectures. I am also working, although only 3 hours a week with preparing at home for at least 2 more hours. I am stressed and I fear that I cannot pass these exams.

I kind of developed insomnia due to the stress so I have not slept for the last 3-4 days and you can see it in my face. I am starting to think that if I die right now at least I don't have to do the exams but I think I will feel better again after the exams. I did not even want to go to dinner because I just have so much to do but I care about A so I went.

I said "Yeah, I am very tired from studying." She laughed and said her usual mantra "You don't know what tired is. I have 3 kids. Talk again about it when you also have 3 kids. You could have at least put on some makeup."

Now, I don't really know what happened to me because we are all used to this kind of comments from her but I snapped. I told her exactly how tired I am. I told her that she isn't the only one tired and that her gatekeeping being tired is annoying and also shows what a selfish person she is and that being empathetic for one time would not kill her.

I followed saying that I am without doubt more tired than her, since all her kids are out of the house for 10 hours a day (good daycare since her husband has a good job) and all she has to do is cleaning and not even cooking because her husband does this.

Moreover, she has her MIL taking care of nights duties "because she and hubby are too tired" (she told us all of this herself) while I have to clean and cook and do all by myself. I think at the end I was kind of screaming because when I looked around people were staring at us.

She asked A if she had anything to say and after A didn't say anything, she told me I was a childish b____ and to go to hell. Then she left. I think A was just too shocked to react. After that I started crying and I immediately apologised to A for ruining her birthday dinner. A was kind and told me not to worry about it and that she would have a chat with B later.

The other girls messaged me after we left saying that I had to apologise to B, that I was insensitive to her struggles and that it was not okay to bring her "home situation" to the discussion.

I wrote this during another sleepless night and am only posting this now because I still don't know if I was in the right for responding like that. I mean I still ruined A's birthday dinner and I could have just ignored her comment.

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

jacksonlove3 said:

NTA. B can dish it out but can’t take it back! Had she kept her rude comments to herself like she should of, she wouldn’t of been embarrassed like she was. I would not apologize to her at all! I would offer another very genuine apology to A for this taking place in her birthday though. Was it the best way to handle, no. But B deserved what she got.

ResponseMountain6580 said:

Sounds like you hit a nerve. NTA. SAHM with kids in daycare and MIL doing the night shift? Wow. She sounds like an entitled nasty person.

Well-you-did-asked said:

Nta don't apologize. You told her the truth and gave her a reality check. I am so sick of parents pulling the poor me card. Other people have stressful lives too. They chose to have kids.

Chaosangel48 said:

NTA. Having once had a schedule like yours, I understand how you could snap. Find some new friends, sweetie.

lianavan said:

NTA. Late to this post, but people like her insisting only people with kids get to be tired just makes my blood boil.

OBoile said:

NTA. I've been both student and parent. Both can be incredibly difficult at times. Please, get some sleep. At this point, that is likely more helpful for your grades than more studying.

Verdict: NTA. Do you agree?

Four months after her original post, OP shared this update:

Regarding my friend Aanne: I called her and apologised again for yelling and ruining her dinner party. She said that I did not ruin anything and that she should have put a stop to Beth's actions long ago.

She also told me that I was paranoid as always and that I did not yell but just raised my voice a bit and that it was normal that the table next to us seemed invested in our discussion. I insisted on taking her out to dinner just the two of us after my exams and we went and had a great time. We are both in no contact with Beth and low contact with the other girls.

Regarding my university problems: I contacted my teacher. He was as useful as always and told me that I should continue to do my work (meaning all the work) and that he would ask his superior for help. I did not hear back from him before my presentations.

At that point I was angry and bitter of all the work I had to do so I said "screw them" and signed everything with my name only and presented alone with my colleagues standing next to me completely silent. I repeated several times that I did everything alone and told my teacher that I sent him an email with proof of this (email, screenshots, etc.).

He said he had not seen the mail yet. He asked the others if it was true that I did everything alone and three of them actually tried to lie AFTER I told the teacher I had proof! But the last one, I will call him Boy, said the truth, and apologised to both me and the teacher.

Boy took me out to lunch after the presentation, apologised again and explained that he was "like stuck in a mental coma" after a traumatic event that occurred to him and that I "snapped" him "right out of it" when I told the teacher about all the work I had to do alone (his words).

He told me that he was thinking about quitting his studies because he was so behind, but I managed to dissuade him and we now regularly meet up to study together. We have become good friends and he will be back on path with his studies in about a year hopefully.

I passed all my exams but the colleagues failed all of them. The 3 other colleagues are currently facing some troubles with the university for fraud/cheating(?) since they continue to claim that they worked on the exams and will not back down with these statements. My teacher is confident that they will be expelled over their stubbornness. Boy is okay, as he admitted everything and "just" failed the exams.

I can sleep again and I am happy. This is all, thank you all again!