'AITA for not letting my son be my daughter's servant due to her period?

Ask the internet for their opinions, and you shall receive.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a dad asked if he was an AH for not letting his son be his daughter's "servant" due to her period, and he got a lot of passionate responses.

"AITA for not letting my son be my daughter's servant due to her period?"

My wife and I (34) have two children ages 10, and 13. We currently are in a smaller situation so please no judgement on here about this, bc it was change soon we fell into some financial struggle and damage of our home so we’ve been renting a 2 bedroom apartment while our home is being fixed, and our children are sharing a room.

Basically my daughter(13) gets really bad periods the same as her mother, which I’m very knowledgeable about. I grew up with 6 sisters and have been with my wife for nearly 18 years. But the thing is, I think she is taking advantage of our son. My daughter has him running to the fridge for her, grabbing everything for her, even adjusting the TV volume and the LED lights.

It makes me glad that he wants to help her but he cannot do everything for her. When I brought this up to my son my wife became very angry at me and said I was going to discourage our son and I should be proud he’s learning early. I said although I am proud, I feel he’s being taken advantage of.

He can help grab things for her if he wishes but going so far to adjust the AC, the TV volume, getting up at her every call is a bit far. She got angry at me and told me I’d never understand and that I was going to ruin our son's helpful mindset. I’m just trying to help I feel though he’s being taken advantage. AITA?

Redditors had a lot of thoughts about this situation.

thirdtryisthecharm wrote:

INFO

Is your son upset about this situation? Does he view it as an obligation, a burden, or something where he's having fun?

OP responded:

He doesn’t like telling people no, I think he has an issue with people pleasing.

MyHairs0nFire2023 wrote:

And I think you have baggage from growing up with 6 sisters and you’re projecting. You’re looking at your son doing nice things to for your daughter while she’s physically unwell and seeing things that simply aren’t there. What you’re “seeing” has nothing to do with your son and everything to do with YOU. Get therapy and leave your kids alone.

-Skull_Bearer- wrote:

INFO, what does she do if he tells her no?

OP responded:

He doesn’t tell her no, he likes to help.

-Skull_Bearer- responded:

Then leave them alone. He knows he has your support if he wants to stop. YTA if you keep pushing.

Original-Winter9334 wrote:

He likes to help, she needs the help - you just want her to suffer for your own terrible views.

He's not a 'slave' if he's happy to do it. And you will never know how much pain she is in, relentlessly, every month, and all at the age of 13. Have you ever had any real pain you can compare this to? It's awful, and your lack of support for no reason other than you think it's not ok, is cruel to her. YTA.

DueIsland2983 wrote:

I'm saying YTA for this answer in the comments to the question of what happens if he says no:

"He doesn’t he likes to help"

So you have a daughter with debilitating periods, a son who loves his sister and wants to help her. The only conflict here is the one you're creating. For some people small acts of service are a way of showing love, and for some people debilitating pain has them needing those small gestures to get through the moment.

It seems to be working for everyone, except for some vague principle you have about him being "taken advantage of." There are other approaches. Maybe talk to her when she's feeling better about how she can show her appreciation for all he does when she needs it. Maybe step up and help her yourself so he doesn't have to as much.

andromache97 wrote:

Yeah, assuming the sister here is being nice to her brother in how she asks and he isn't feeling pressured/unable to say no to helping her, I think these are especially great suggestions:

"There are other approaches. Maybe talk to her when she's feeling better about how she can show her appreciation for all he does when she needs it. Maybe step up and help her yourself so he doesn't have to as much."

Learning how to show our siblings we appreciate them + return favors is a huge underrated life skill imo just based on all the drama I read on this sub.

prairiemountainzen wrote:

”except for some vague principle you have about him ‘being taken advantage of.’”

I have to wonder if gender might be playing a part in this? Would OP object in the same way if the roles were reversed and his daughter was the one helping his son with something similarly debilitating like, let’s say, frequent migraines?

Would he have the same problem with his daughter “being taken advantage of” if she was the one adopting this caretaking role? Or does he just not like his son taking on a role that is usually filled by women?

yildizli_gece wrote:

I don’t wonder; I know it does. I have zero doubt that if this were a younger sister helping her older sister, OP wouldn’t bat an eye. YTA, OP. Stay the #$ck out of their good relationship; your son doesn’t need that toxic mindset that helping someone he loves equals being “taken advantage of.”

Commercial-Loan-929 wrote:

OP if your daughter's periods are so bad she can't move due the pain and are debilitating periods, you and your wife need to take her to an appointment with a doctor. That amount of pain is NOT okay and is NOT normal, maybe she has hormonal issues, PCOS, endometriosis or something.

fireflydrake wrote:

This with the minor addition that I'd talk to the daughter about making sure she's being fair to her brother too. I get super unpleasant cramps and things like someone getting up to adjust the lights or grab me a blanket is really appreciated because sometimes moving is painful.

But the mention of her even asking him to adjust the volume on the tv does make me think she's leaning a bit tooooo into it (unless it's a tv without a remote due to their current situation). It's great and awesome that brother is so loving and kind, and I'm sure sister genuinely appreciates his help, but a gentle talk about making sure she's not being excessive with her requests might be helpful.

IndividualGarlic7660 wrote:

Sounds like shes acting like a normal big sister if I'm honest? If your son isn't complaining then you shouldn't be bothered either, do you offer to step in an help so that he doesn't have to? Get your daughter a doctor's appointment, painful periods are abhorrent and can be genuinley debilitating.

If you think your son has confidence issues then work on that but don't discourage him from helping his sister, he might have a wife and daughter of his own one day and they'll be very grateful he's been raised to be such a caring individual! It's not a weakness to look after those in pain.

My sister used to make me do all that and more all month not just when she was in pain, and I admit I used to do the same to my little brother when I was a teenager. Now as adults we would all move mountains for each other if we could, none of us ever felt like 'servants.'

Hopefully, OP is able to take the advice on board, and his son and daughter can continue their sweet relationship.