'AITA for snapping at my in-laws after they said my husband 'ruined' his life?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for snapping at my in-laws after they said my husband 'ruined' his life?"
My (36f) husband (36m) comes from a family of athletes; they put him in boxing as a kid. He was talented and he suffered a lot of pressure from his family.
They wanted him to become professional but my husband never wanted that. In high school, things got worse for him as the school's coaches were brutal and the attention he received from promoters and outside coaches led his family to put more pressure on him.
The relationship with his family went south when he informed them he was going to university and giving up boxing for good (not true the boxing part). I met him a month before we started high school and we've been together ever since. When he was 30, his family contacted him to try to fix their relationship; their relationship is decent, the same with me.
Now, we took our children on Sunday to visit them. SIL and her husband were talking about one of my nephews learning to play the piano and that he is good for his age. Then MIL said and quote “be careful, you don’t want to 'encourage' him only for him to quit and ruin his life as (my husband’s name)”.
It seemed like MIL forgot I was there and they went silent (my husband was out buying some things with his father and his other 2 BIL). I was calm and asked her how he ruined his life, his sisters got involved and said that's not what MIL meant and I wouldn’t understand. I replied:
“No, I don’t understand; I don't understand why you wanted to live through him, why you never listened to him, why you never accepted what he wanted, why you didn’t let him be, why you think he ruined his life, I don’t get it.
If you think it’s because I don’t know how talented he was, you’re wrong because I was there, even when you abandoned him, it wasn't for nothing that he got two scholarships and people were after him.
I'd understand if he didn't do anything with his life, but that’s not the case. He has a degree, an amazing career, built 2 different business, is a great father and husband. He is more successful than all of you combined.
Please, tell me how he ruined his life or what part I don’t understand”. I got silence. I took our children and left; I texted my husband that I was going home. He arrived shortly after and told him what happened and he’s not mad.
To be honest, this is the first time I heard these types of comments and I pretty much blew the relationship he has with his family and apparently also caused issues with his sisters' husbands because they had a different version of why my husband was estranged. AITA?
Let's find out.
lalalalabambi writes:
NTA Good on you! I played volleyball competitively through high school and was offered several scholarships to play at great schools. I was burnt out and I wanted to focus on my degree.
My parents were not ok with me turning down the volleyball scholarships and then my Mom told me I would not get me my college fund (which I know is a privilege on its own) unless I attended state school near her.
Guess who dropped out of that school to move away from her parents after a year? Guess who went no contact with them for a year? And guess who is proudly finishing up her biology degree at 34?]. You did a wonderful job of advocating for abs defending your husband. Kudos to you!
OP added these edits/updates to the original post:
I never expected this much attention and sorry for not answering every comment, I will clear some points and give you a small update.
First of all, thank you for the kind words and the awards, I reacted on instinct and kind of regretted, but my husband reassured me that it was fine, he would have done the same thing for me (which I know). He’s all smiles every time I see him.
I’m sorry for those who went through the same thing, I'm glad you left that horrible situation and that you are doing what you want. Good job!
I should have been clearer, MIL says he ruined his life because he wasted the chance to be recognized and famous, something they always longed for and couldn't achieve on their own.
My husband stopped competing once he finished university and not after high school, he had to do it so he could maintain his scholarship.
The children weren't present when I exploded, they were outside playing.
His sisters lied to their husbands about the reason why my husband was estranged. They put the blame entirely on him and downplayed what they did.
Someone linked a story about a couple who is dealing with the after trauma and it's heartbreaking. Injuries and trauma are two of the many reasons my husband never wanted to make boxing his career. Fortunately, he received minimal damage and sees a specialist once a year to make sure everything is fine.
My husband says that over the years he felt something was off, so he's not surprised they haven't changed their opinion of him and that they were just faking it to gain access to our kids.
Small update:
Early today when we dropped the kids off at school, his sister’s husbands were there and wanted to hear my husband version. We went to have breakfast and he told them everything. From their reaction, it was clear that their wives were still downplaying the whole thing. According to one of them, his wife is starting to display the same traits as MIL, so yeah.
We agreed to talk on Saturday to plan how are going to move forward with our children. They go to the same school and are very close, we don’t want to disrupt their relationship.
As for his parents, we are going to talk to them on Saturday to let them know how their relationship with our children and us is going to be from now on. Thanks to all of you again.
OP came back with a new post to update things:
During the week with talk to our kids and asked them (without being obvious) how they have been treated by their grandparents; we got positive responses (they have been treated well, to be clear).
We talked to everyone on Sunday (without the kids) and my husband was the one who did the talking; first it was his parents. They tried to apologized but my husband cut them short. He said that we weren’t there for apologies or explanations, but to talk about their new relationship with us.
He told them that we are no longer going to take the kids to their house anymore; they will have 2 visits per month and will be supervised by us; they will be the ones who plan the activities and they have to inform us with enough time so that we can approve them.
The only time they will see the kids besides their 2 times is for birthdays and holidays. To keep their opinions of him or me to themselves, as the moment they run their mouths with our kids present, it will be the last time they will see them. And for us, we'll be civil but that’s it.
They agreed and before we left they told us they are separating, to which my husband replied that he doesn’t care. The visits and rules are the same regardless of their marital situation, we could split the visits to one each or they could have 2 together, but that's up to them. The visitations will begin after their situation is resolved.
Later that day they we visited his sisters and their husbands, all gathered in one house. Pretty much the same drill, but he listened to his sister. His sisters apologized and told us that they are going to therapy again, they asked my husband if he was willing to go with them at some point but he refused.
He told them that their relationship is way too broken to mend, that he harbors no ill feeling towards them, and the only thing he will give them is common decency. That is good that they are going to therapy again and hopes they take it seriously now because their kids and husbands deserve better.
With that being said, he proposed that things continue more or less the same (we take our kids to their house or they bring theirs to ours) but with the exceptions of visits from his parents (we explained them the deal with my In-Laws) and that my sisters and parents are still willing to maintain the same relationship with the kids but not so much with them.
Any comment from them like the one his mother did and everything will stop. If they have another plan, we could work it out. They all agreed with our plan.
For now, everyone is looking to keep things civil for the kids, which I think is a good thing. Anyway, my husband and I draw lines and we will make sure they don’t cross them.