Bride swaps genders for ring bearer and flower girl at wedding; upsets family. AITA?
When this bride to be upsets some of her family members at her wedding, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for allowing my niece to be the ring bearer and my nephew the flower boy?"
I (30f) am currently the guardian of my niece Jade (6f) and nephew Mark (4m). My brother and his wife, the parents, passed 8 months ago.
My cousin Rita (30f) is getting married to her partner Andy (29NB, biologically male). She would like Jade and Mark to be part of her wedding.
Andy and Rita do not care for traditional gender roles for their wedding. Andy’s best friend growing up is a woman and she would be his best woman. One of Rita’s bridesmaids is a trans woman and another is an NB (biologically female) who will be wearing tuxedo to the wedding.
Andy and Rita asked me if Mark can be the flower boy and Jade the ring bearer instead of the traditional roles. Mark would still wear his little tux and Jade a taffeta dress.
I believe as long as it’s not to crazy, whatever the couple wants at their wedding, they should get. I said yes and everyone was happy. Rita took a picture of Jade and Mark and posted on social media captioning “My flower boy and ring bearer girl.”
A few hours later after the kids and I got home, I got a call from Zoe who was my SIL’s mom and the kids’ grandma. Zoe and Rita were Facebook friends because they’re workplaces did a collaboration once so she saw the picture of Jade and Mark.
Zoe blew up at me, telling me Jade and Mark cannot take up those roles. She said if they are not the flower girl and ring boy then they can just attend the wedding as guests.
She said all these gender fluid hogwash will come back and bite society later and she wants her grandkids away from the drama and neither Rita nor I had the right to put her grandkids in this position, amid this gender nonsense.
She said Jade and Mark have the right to be protected and kept their activities and participation to things that are gender appropriate. I personally think Zoe is ridiculous and needs to chill. So AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
andsoltgoes writes:
Tell her that the children are excited about being in a wedding and have attached no gender bias value to their roles. They get to dress up and play a part in the ceremony and they are truly looking forward to it.
"Unless you plan to scold them for enjoying being carrying flower petals or a ring on a pillow - nothing in them will be affected by their responsibilities as members of the wedding party.
And they are just too young to be dragged into a sociopolitical debate about gender roles, like its 1960. This means nothing to them. And it means less than nothing to me. Please try to remember that as their grandmother, going off the rails sometimes is a choice you can simply not make.
You can always tell me when you disagree with me. But, I am drawing the line at heteronormative harassment or telling the kids they aren't good people just as they are." Good grief granny. Get a grip. No one cares. NTA.
frustratedfoddie writes:
YTA - But just barely. You guys are going to use kids to make a gender role point. It would be one thing if the kids themselves choose their roles (without any influence or pressure). But to make them do your chosen roles, to make a point, isn't respectful.
They're not dolls, they're regular humans that don't deserve to be treated as decorations to make a point. Just to make sure: the YTA is about using them as dolls, not about the gender point you guys want to make.
cinderfires writes:
NTA, but the fact that Rita wrote ring bearer girl does put a bad taste in my mouth.
I'm all for having a man of honour, a best woman, and a flower boy but because there is no word in ring bearer that is associated with gender even if it is usually a part for boys adding girl in it does make it seem like she is doing this purely to stir up gender norms rather than because she thinks the two would do a better job in those positions.
(DO NOTE: I think having the older kid be the ring bearer is a good call even if I would have tried to find a slightly older kid who is less likely to drop and or lose the rings). I suppose Ring Bearess would be less clunky and not feel so purposeful but I don't think it really matters.