'AITA for cancelling my daughter's birthday celebration a punishment?'
"AITA for cancelling my daughter's birthday celebration a punishment?"
It was my daughter Rachel's (11 F) birthday yesterday. I have another child, Ethan, (10 M) who was adopted a year ago. Rachel insists that he's not a "proper" member of family as he's not related to us. My wife Emily and I had attempted to convince her (although it was mostly I who did), but it had not worked so we gave it up.
We had planned to have lunch at a restaurant and we took the car. Ethan wanted to sit in front, but Rachel told him "Sorry, but only proper members of the family get to sit in front, and you're not really their child."
He was shocked, and I asked her to take back what she had said, but my wife asked me to not start an argument as it was her birthday. Ethan did sit back with Emily in the back, and so I did not argue.
We went to the restaurant, and she wanted an expensive dish. I ordered it, and Ethan said that he wants the same stuff. But Rachel did not like that, she said:
"You want an expensive dish when he's not even your Dad in reality? I'd have thought you'd be more grateful as your parents are dead and you're adopted now."
I asked her to apologize immediately as I could see that it had really hurt him, but she just shrugged and said, "Well, if you want to have it, go ahead. I don't care anyway."
But I told her "You are going to care because your birthday's cancelled, we're headed back." I asked them to head back to the car and she yelled at me and said she was just joking, that I cannot do that, etc.
We had a really huge argument but in the end I got back them back to the car. My wife says that although what she said was distasteful, cancelling her birthday was extremely uncalled for and she's mad at me for having ruined her day completely. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
gtw14 writes:
YTA. I’m an adoptee. You and your wife are the biggest assholes. This is exactly why mixing biological and adopted children is not always the best option because you and your wife failed to make the transition as smooth as possible and to ensure that all the children are cared for.
You & your wife have failed Ethan so much by letting him be subjected to this treatment. Rachel is also an asshole too, albeit less because she’s a bratty child whose behavior has been allowed by the adults. -10/10 parenting. Do better.
worldonfire writes:
To start, Rachel needs therapy. She is clearly not dealing with the adoption very well and is taking it out on Ethan. Additionally, her behavior should have been handled the VERY FIRST time she said something like that. Not on the 2, or 3, or 4th time.
The fact that you both let her talk to him like that is disgusting; he's already been through significant loss and her remarks are cruel, hateful and can further traumatize him.
Your wife minimizing Rachel's behavior is also highly inappropriate and she needs to stop. Poor Ethan losing his biological family, and then gets adopted where his new sister hates him and his new mother does nothing to defend him from his brat of a sibling. The only person not an AH here is Ethan.
nicolex writes:
Absolutely ESH except for Ethan. First of all, cancelling the birthday was a smaller punishment than I would have given.
Second, why on earth have these comments not been shut down in the past, what consequences does she face? I’m assuming none because your wife says “you can’t force them to interact”.
I’m curious as to how Ethan came into your care? His parents are dead according to your daughter? We’re his parents friends of yours? Was your wife hesitant to adopt? Your daughter needs some serious consequences for these comments and the whole family needs therapy.