'AITA for disciplining another person's child?' + DEBRIEF
"AITA for disciplining another person's child?"
Wife's best friend and new boyfriend come over for dinner last night, they have a 7yo girl, plays with our 4yo and 8yo.
Scene 1: I'm trying to cook dinner and host and keep everyone happy - wife/wife's friend/bf's boyfriend sitting around talking. Kids come up asking for drinks right as I'm serving dinner, I offer juice boxes. They want lemonade.
I say juice boxes are easier and cleaner, kids refuse. Friend and bf still sitting waiting for dinner. I'm literally taking dinner off the bbq but still get kids lemonade cups and tell them to take it downstairs and not to make a big mess.
Scene 2: 7yo kid of theirs runs up the stairs with lemonade and trips, Thor-hammers the full cup of lemonade on the floor, coating the floor, walls, door, and ceiling with sticky lemonade (and we have 12' ceilings).
I raise my voice at kid saying she did exactly what I told her not to do by running on the stairs with sticky juice and to clean it up immediately. Kid bursts into tears and turtles.
Scene 3: wife's friend and bf finally get off their butts, but instead of helping me, get angry at me for raising my voice at their child. They say 'she's 7; it's just juice' etc. and then proceed to leave, leaving most of the nicely prepared dinner still on the table. Night ruined.
My take... and I will bow to the wisdom of the community here, is that they essentially put me in a position where I was asked to parent all three kids, while simultaneously hosting dinner. Their child disobeyed my expressed wishes and was disciplined for it. AITA for raising my voice to another parent's child?
For clarification: the cup was made of plastic and the child was entirely uninjured. That was my first concern. My wife was also very busy during that moment getting the table ready and cleaning up etc. She actually offered all kinds of support to me after the incident. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ellevetica writes:
YTA. “Don’t XYZ” is actually a terrible way to talk to kids. It gives them nothing concrete TO do. “Make sure you walk with the drinks/keep the cups in the kitchen/drink while you’re sitting/standing still” etc are far more effective. You didn’t “discipline” her, all you did was make her feel awful about a mistake and give her no tools to help address mistakes in the future.
salmonberrycreek writes:
I’d say nta. I agree with everything else, didn’t handle it in the best way, should have talked to the parents etc. HOWEVER, he specifically warned the kids to be very careful, and he said no and they pushed and probably promised to be careful, and the kid wasn’t. 7 is old enough to know better.
nopersonality542 agrees:
Nta. Your take is right. If they don't want other people parenting their child, then they should parent their child.
OP came back later with this "debrief":
I would like to thank the community for all the thoughtful comments offered, which provided perspectives on the incident that I could not have come to on my own accord.
I hope that this summarizes the feedback here: it seems to me that my approach to the child and raising my voice was not an appropriate response, as it did not provide a learning or growth opportunity for the child. As some redditors correctly advised... yelling is not discipline.
Having said that, I think there is room for a conversation now with the parents about being more 'hands on' with their child and attending to their/the child's needs to reduce my physical (and mental) load. Hosting is stressful, and I shouldn't have to ask for help it should be offered.
On balance, I accept the findings of AH status here and will reach out to the friend for a productive discussion about what happened last night, with an apology to the child for letting my frustration with the situation get the better of me.