When adult kids live with their parents, the power dynamics can get complicated really quick. While it might feel infantilizing to have rules imposed by your parent when you're an adult, if it's their home - they technically have the rights to house rules.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for making rules his daughter mus follow if she moves back in. He wrote:
I have a 23 year old daughter that I do not get along well with. I paid for her education and she dropped out her second year and was just pocketing the money I was sending her for school. She was partying hard in that time and went into stripping to make more cash. I stopped sending her money when I learned and she went no contact with me.
I got a call from her asking if she can move back in and I told her on these conditions.
She needs to start paying me back for college.
She needs to have a respectable job, so anything but being a stripper.
She will need to clean and keep her areas clean.
She can’t bring people over, there are still young kids in the home. I don’t trust her friends.
We have a dry house so no alcohol at all.
No dr*gs of any kind, I don’t care that w**d is legal in my state.
Finally I will not support anyone else, so no bf or friends getting any of my money that I give her to fix her life.
This resulted in a huge argument and she thinks I am being a petty jerk for the rules. I am getting calls I need to step up to help my kid.
NTA: She doesn't have to live with you. You are just an option, if she doesn't like the rules she can continue to to go no contact and live her life the way she pleases.
NTA, but the first rule is going to be a big roadblock if the reason she wants to move back in is because she's in financial hardship. Might want to drop that to the "end of the line" as something that is a longer-term goal.
As a father of 3 daughters, 2 are college grads, 1 still in college, allow me to make the point about “getting paid back." I can feel your pain, children not being responsible as we believe they should. But you were an adult and a parent who made a financial decision to provide for your daughter to go to college. That one is on you.
I can’t believe that there weren’t some “red alert signs along the way.” Based on what you have written. What the rules in your house should be? Is your rules. Who should say that they are right or wrong. But what I see missing in these demands is the ONE thing that might help her. She obviously has problems, maybe, and I did say maybe, alcohol or drug issues.
So if she does, all the rules in the world are going to be broken. Deep thought. And yes, your feeling are valid. She didn’t live up to your expectations. It doesn’t mean she’s a bad kid, it just might mean she might be a sick kid who needs help.
NTA. It's a hard world. Doing stupid s#$t makes it harder. We know this to be true because we all do/have done stupid s#$t. Your daughter violated your trust at least once. You have every right to doubt her now. It's her job to repair that rift. Your alternative is to become a doormat for her. Some people are OK with that, just to retain the relationship. It sounds like you are not. That does not make you an AH.
In my opinion, stripping can be as "respectable" as any other job, but it does create an environment where it's easy to go astray.
Honestly, it sounds like you need to look for a different option. Stripping isn't what you want to see your daughter doing, but it's a valid and pretty lucrative (though temporary) job. If you can't handle who she is - a stripper who drinks alcohol - then find another option for her.
This judgment, this complete abolishment of alcohol, these strict rules - it's just not going to work. She'll hate you, you already hate her, what's the point? That said, that isn't license to abandon her. She's still your kid and you still have a responsibility to do what you can to ensure she can make it in the world.
How can you support her without her living with you? If you don't want to give her money, why can't you give it to a landlord on her behalf? What can you do that isn't this tight control over her?
It looks like OP is NTA here, but they're going to have to find some sort of compromise to maintain the relationship in the future.