Dad reneges on promise to pay for daughter's wedding because man is 'way older.' AITA?

'AITA for not wanting to pay for my daughter's wedding even though I said I would?'

I have two daughters (f28) and (f23). My eldest daughter got married two years ago. I paid for the whole thing. My youngest daughter recently got engaged and plans on having her wedding on spring.

As I said I paid for my eldest daughter as her wedding was something that she wanted and was sure about. She and her husband (m29) have been together since she was 20. They know each other and I think he's a good man. However, my youngest daughter's fiance is a way older man (m46) who I couldn't even believe my daughter was dating.

He's got a divorce and has kids that are teenagers. I disapproved the relationship ever since my daughter introduced us to her boyfriend. Me and my eldest daughter tried speaking to her about how creepy her boyfriend is but she has said that she's an adult and can date anyone she likes.

When she announced her engagement she asked if I was going to pay for her wedding too as I promised. I told her that I will not because she knows I don't approve this relationship. I reminded her that she told us that she's an adult and can do whatever she wants, that's okay, then she needs to face the adult consequences of her actions.

If she wants to marry then she needs to pay for it, that's it. I told her that this is a mistake but she called me an a**hole and claimed I was favouring my eldest daughter because I said nothing about her fiance. I explained why her sister's relationship was different but she didn't wanted to hear me.

My parents think that I need to support her to show her that I love her and if she realizes later that she made a mistake she can trust me to support her then. I am unsure about that. I think that since she doesn't want to listen to my advice then she shouldn't feel entitled to my money. She knows how much I love her, but that doesn't mean I have to be supportive of her poor choices.

Info from OP: They have been dating for around six/ seven months. They met in college. My daughter is a student and he's a basketball coach.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

lihzee writes:

NTA. Her late-40s fiancé should be able to afford a wedding at his age. Sheesh.

cheezeybeans writes:

He can't because child support & alimony!

BeneficialYear690 OP responded:

Yeah I bet that's his excuse, 'my ex wife took everything from me!'

Samael13 writes:

I'm going with soft YTA - this is why parents shouldn't tell their kids 'we're going to pay for your wedding' before they know who their kid is going to marry. You said you'd pay for the wedding, and now you're saying you won't because you don't like who she's marrying. You turned an unconditional gift into a conditional gift.

It's your money; you have every right not to pay for a wedding you don't agree with, but when you make a promise and then back out, that's an AH move. You promised you'd pay, and now you're saying you won't. What you really meant was 'we'll pay for you wedding if we approve of your future spouse,' which is a very different promise.

BeneficialYear690 OP responded:

Yes I understand, I made a mistake by promising them to pay for their weddings without any conditions.

GrapeCreamJuice writes:

YTA I dont think youre entitled to pay for her wedding but I do think calling their relationship a “mistake' and gossiping about it with your other daughter is an asshole thing to do. imo at least from what you’ve written, there isn’t anything in their relationship that needs fixing so your “advice” is not advice it’s just an opinion.

BeneficialYear690 OP responded:

That man is almost my age and he has teens children, how is that not a problem? My daughter refuses to tell me the reasons for his divorce too which makes me think he did something bad, that man is too shady

realstareyes writes:

YTA, but gently. I completely understand your concerns, but you‘re favoring one daughter over the other due to your personal preferences, which is not okay.

You made a promise and you can‘t prevent the marriage whatsoever. You shouldn’t make such a judgement without any indication that it might be justified, and you aren’t helping your daughter by pushing her away.

BeneficialYear690 OP responded:

You think it'll be better if I pay for it? My parents think that I may push her away if I don't which of course I don't want to

Glanced4 writes:

NTA - But be ready to live with the consequences. What a nightmare. I think because you love your daughter, you may want to pay for some of it as a token of goodwill and a notion that you'll be there when her relationship crashes. Disapprove with support.

BeneficialYear690 OP responded:

Pay for half the wedding is a good idea, thanks

Kay89leigh writes:

Something else you might consider-- 'Loving Jiu-Jitsu'. Your daughter doesn't seem to gush about how he makes her life better-she says she's an adult. By openly opposing this union, she has to dig in her heels to assert her rights as an adult. She then uses her energy to focus on making you see that she is right -- She is right that she is an adult.

Adults make mistakes, and though you know she is making a mistake, your opposition pushes her further into the making the mistake. Turn that energy around and use it to flip things around. Let me explain

At 27, I was engaged to a very smart, kind man who was 17 years older. My father has already passed away, so my mother was able to 'lovingly Jiu-jitsu' the situation. She welcomed him. She praised his singing, which was important to his identity. She actively participated in the wedding planning.

In our moments alone, she asked how things were going in my life - work, the apartment, everything. She switched from being a parent who could tell me what to do. Instead, she became a sounding board; she became a consultant. She praised me and reinforced that I had grown into a lovely adult. I felt comfortable sharing concerns that were coming up. She asked questions instead of providing answers.

I didn't have to be right anymore. All that energy went to other areas of my life. I saw that my fiancé and I didn't want the same things in life. I was devastated when I ended the relationship, and Mom let me move back home until I could find a new place. Years later, and I mean YEARS later, my youngest brother let it slip that she hated my fiancé.

She said, when asked, didn't want to become a common enemy that drove my fiancé and me closer together. She prayed she had raised me with problem solving abilities, and I would figure out this was a problem and solve it.

Trust you daughter. Trust how you raised her. For now, apologize to her because you forgot she was an adult. Celebrate her boyfriend. Welcome his children. The weight of parenting 2 teenagers will make them or break them. Just be there for her.

BeneficialYear690 OP responded:

Your mom sounds like a very smart and loving woman, I'm sure if my wife would've still been with us she would've thought something similar! Thank you for your advice and for sharing your experience with us, really thank you a lot!