"AITA for sending my son to his mom's without clothes?"
Ex-wife and I live in different states and I am the primary parent. My son goes to visit his mom four times every year. Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring break and summer vacation. All together it comes out to about 12ish weeks out of the year.
Before, I used to pack my son's bag with multiple outfits making sure to fold everything nicely even sending warm outfits as his mom lives in an area where it snows.
But so many times now when I get the bag back, the clothes are thrown in there all wrinkled and they even seem unwashed. I've sent him with his nintendo switch and a few games. Many times now when he gets back, I find articles of clothing missing and even some of the games that are quite costly have gone missing too.
I've really become annoyed by this to the point where I decided I'm not going to be bothered to make all this extra effort. She should already have clothes there for him. So he left today and his mom made a big deal about me not sending any clothes along. She said she didn't have any socks or underwear.
Was I wrong to expect her to have something at all? How can you have zero clothes for your son?? She argues that I'm the primary parent and that he outgrows the clothes too quickly. I feel like clothes should last at least a year or two before they get outgrown especially if you size up.
Other information that might be useful. -it was her decision to move out of state -she pays zero child support. Please comment any other things that might need to be known for an accurate judgement.
Edit: I did not take these actions to "get back" at his mom. If I wanted to get back at her I would go and get child support from her. I did this in order to avoid the frustration of having to worry about things going missing and wondering what may have gone missing that I didn't even realize. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
INFO: how many days is he actually staying there?
NTA, she isn't paying child support and your child is there a fourth of the year. She should have clothes and entertainment on hand.
throwaway731923 OP:
He's staying for a week.
To clarify, he stays four weeks a year?
throwaway731923 OP:
1 week for Thanksgiving, 3 for Christmas, 2 for spring break, and 6 for summer.
Is this part of a court agreement or informal? Either way, she should furnish clothing for the climate where he visits her.
A key question here is how your son feels about these visits. Does he look forward to them or is he going because you insist?
throwaway731923 OP:
Court order. He loves visiting his mom.
[deleted]
I hate to say it, but ESH
Y T A.You're trying to punish your ex, but your son is the one who suffers for it. By now you know she sucks at caring for him, that means you have to step up- for his sake, not hers.
Edit to change judgement - can't let the mom off, she's definitely an AH.
throwaway731923 OP:
I don't want to come off like I'm arguing, but how am I trying to punish my ex? I had no idea she would have zero clothes for him.
thebohomama writes:
YTA "My son goes to visit his mom four times every year." Kids grow. I'm sure she has a handful of things, but for four visits a year she's not going to have what your son needs- particularly, and this is important, because YOU ALWAYS PACK HIM A BAG.
You didn't TELL her you were going to do this? At least she could have prepared if you had said something, even if it pissed her off, she'd have been ready for your son.
Did you say, "hey, kid is missing this game, can you look and see if he left it somewhere?"? Did you say, "hey I'm a big frustrated with the way kid comes home, do you mind washing/folding his clothes he brings home and making sure he isn't missing anything?"? Then YTA. Hell, that's what my clothes look like coming home from a trip.
To be petty with your ex, you hurt your son instead. Good job. And no, OP, you wouldn't have been the AH if you just talked to her instead of doing this immature stunt.
throwaway731923 OP:
I have told her in the past how frustrated I have been with how things have been returned and gone missing and they were never returned. I just expected her to have some clothing for him. I know I would have some. I'll be communicating more in the future.
Communicating that you’re frustrated is only half the equation. Communicating what changes you are making in response, with enough advance notice for her to adjust is the other half.
throwaway731923 OP:
I see that now. Next visit should run more smoothly
You sound pretty bitter. You do realize that your son is paying the price for all of this, not his mother. I personally would have packed everything he may need, as usual, so he knows he has his dad on his side.
As he gets old he will think about it, and how you always had his back. If it bothers you how his clothes come back wrinkled, start showing his how to fold and care for his clothes, as he will learn to respect them, and everything you do for him, and he will also realize everything his mother does not do. Consider this a miss step, and get back up to being the stand up father you are. Good luck.
throwaway731923 OP:
I appreciate your words of kindness. Thanks for the advice! Always try to show my boy that I love and care for him!
NTA she should easily be able to provide what he needs when her son is there, cause lord knows if the shoe was on the other foot the moms would be all over you
throwaway731923 OP:
I should try a social experiment and post this a month from now and flip the genders huh? Hopefully the post doesn't get hot enough that it's recognizable.
jcstmav writes:
I hate to say it, but ESH. You're trying to punish your ex, but your son is the one who suffers for it. By now you know she sucks at caring for him, that means you have to step up- for his sake, not hers.
throwaway731923 OP responded:
I don't want to come off like I'm arguing, but how am I trying to punish my ex? I had no idea she would have zero clothes for him.
[deleted]
How can you say you had no idea she wouldn't have clothes for him? You said yourself you normally send him with multiple outfits, you clearly have a reason for that. You know she's not pulling her weight.
I did change my judgment - while I do think you very intentionally neglected to pack clothes to prove a point, it was wrong for me to put the blame solely on you. She definitely sucks.
throwaway731923 OP responded:
If I were to do this again with her knowing full well that I'll be doing the same would I still be an AH? I feel like is the biggest reason for me being an AH because I didn't give her any warning.
I'm choosing this not to inconvenience her but to avoid an inconvenience to myself later on when he gets back. If I'm an AH here would I still be one if I let her know this is how I want to go forward so she knows for next time.
bluegreensupport75 writes:
NTA. If this post were reversed and you were not paying any child support (even if it is not court ordered), every post would be calling you a deadbeat. Your wife is a deadbeat. She pays no child support and expects you to provide him with ALL of his clothes. Your wife is lazy.