Dad tells off son's mom after she drops off kid unexpectedly, she says 'check your phone.'
Coparenting requires extremely thorough and clear communication if it's going to work.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for telling off his son's mom after she dropped him off unexpectedly. He wrote:
"AITA for telling my son's mom she can't drop him off?"
Son's school closed down for 8-14 inches of snow in the weather forecast. Ex has issues driving in snow, so she calls the night prior and says she's just going to call into work as well because she's not going to drive in those conditions and she's just gonna stay home with our son.
She shows up the next morning on my doorstep pounding on my door, turns out we only got a light dusting of snow. No warning just opens the door and says, "here's your kid." We got into this huge argument because I told her she just can't show up at my house to drop off my son after telling me she's calling in and keeping him.
She said it's my fault because I should've charged my phone so I could have gotten her phone call 30-40 minutes prior to her just showing up. As well as she wasn't going to take a point/occurrence at work for calling in since there wasn't that much snow.( it snowed a foot of snow 2-3 hours into her shift)
I love my son. I have 50/50 custody placement, neither of us pay child support. Son is very well taken care of. After being told I wasn't going to have my son, I stayed up all night to playing video games. I also take medication to sleep, so when my ex showed up, I was laying in bed and had literally just fallen asleep.
I was in, what felt like to me at the time, 0 condition to watch my son but my ex didn't care and said it was my fault and she's not risking her job. I took my son, stayed awake and took care of him, and she ended up coming back like 4 hours later because of how dead it was at her job because of it snowing a bunch.
We still argue about this situation less than a week later and she's saying her friends are agreeing with her side and that I'm the one in the wrong. Am I the AH for telling my son's mom she couldn't drop him off?
Redditors had a lot to say in the comments.
thmstrpln wrote:
I'm a soft ESH. Yes, your kid, yes parenting, but you had a reasonable expectation to have the day to yourself. According to your version of events, she explicitly told you she would keep your son. You could have done whatever you wanted and have every right to do so. Drawing a boundary isn't the issue. You have a right to do that. She can't just drop him off. Okay, sure.
She said she called, but she called 30 minutes to door knock, the morning after she said she'd call out. She had no confirmation you'd be available, just the expectation you'd roll with it. Up to now, you're NTA. Where I say ESH is that you (collectively) don't have a formal, enforceable, agreement dictating how communication is going to go. 50/50 doesn't mean anything. Understandings change.
You need a document that protects ts the three of you so your child doesn't end up caught in the middle, thinking a parent doesn't want them just because they weren't expecting them. Mediation can do formal agreements, and they can get specific (Thanksgiving odd years, birthdays even years, etc), and I think it can get registered with the courts so that it's enforceable.
I am not a lawyer. Just a person, who because of my own life experiences, highly recommends you get some documented, enforceable boundaries.
Debjohnson23 wrote:
YTA. She did try to call you and your phone wasn’t charged. It’s not her fault you didn’t get the call. Nor is it her fault that it was dead at work. In a perfect world it either would have snowed enough to keep her home or your phone was charged and you weren’t up all night playing video games. Neither happened and as a parent you need to be prepared for the worst. Hope for the best but…
SpicyTurtle38 wrote:
ESH. You have a child- your phone should always be on, charged, and able to accept calls regarding your child. Your ex, however, should understand that you have a life and if she makes plans, you’re going to make plans around it. Ultimately, though, this is an issue of pettiness. Surely you can understand her not wanting to put her job at risk.
And surely she should be able to understand that you thought there was a set plan in place. You both need to show some grace and grow up. How do you think your son felt, being shuttled around only to get to your house to be told you didn’t want him that day? How does a kid navigate parents who fight over who has to care for him?!
I hope you at least had the decency to right out of his earshot, otherwise your kid is probably feeling extremely unwanted right now.
freshair2020 wrote:
YTA. You don’t have a formal custody agreement with your ex. Your agreement is literally what happened, she had to work so you get the child if you are off. She called you but you didn’t answer because you stayed up all night. I understand that she said she would keep him, but things change, especially when you have kids.
If you want to have a formal agreement where you only have your child on specific days, then you should pursue that through the courts.
Clearly, the internet is split on this, which means we need your comments and hot takes.