Dad tells wife and daughter 'I will not let my 12 yo girl wear a pushup bra.' AITA?
When this father is upset with the way his daughter dresses, he asks Reddit:
"AITAH for telling my wife and daughter I do not want her wearing a pushup bra?"
My daughter is 12, and my wife bought her a pushup bra recently and I was furious. Our daughter like her mom started to develop fairly young. I have always limited her use of tank tops because creeps exist and I know some sick person would see her that way.
My wife has always been of the mindset that women should not have to conform or hide due to men's poor behavior. I do agree in an ideal world, but this is far from an ideal world. I get my daughter wants to feel good in her own body, and looking in a way that makes one personally happy goes with that.
My wife and daughter feel I am overreacting, but certain things I do not want to take a chance with, I know this may be a father not wanting his little girl to grow up too fast, but I mean within reason. My wife told me I should not police what our child wears that is what breeds resentment, and I also should not be se%ualizing our daughter they are just clothes.
I called my wife naive if she thinks a pushup bra and a tank top are just clothes with all the creeps running around. I even showed her our se% offender registry, and this is where she flipped and said I am teaching our daughter to live in fear, while she is trying to teach her to feel empowered by her body and choices.
My wife and daughter have been giving me the cold shoulder, and my wife made a good point since her father was the same way. She said I our daughter will figure out a way to wear what she wants, and fighting it does nothing except breed resentment.
This is when I told her, with what money? I get it my wife will most likely go behind my back and keep buying her these things, and I know a time will come when it will be considered normal attire but she just turned 12, why is my wife and daughter in such a rush to speed up time?
So AITAH? Am I being paranoid? Overbearing father?
Let's see what readers thought.
pandamine writes:
From just this statement along I'm going with YTA. You've been policing your daughter's clothing her entire life out of fear that some creep may see her and have impure thoughts, to the point that she's not allowed to wear something as normal as a tank top? That's overly controlling and paranoid.
lapasoterry writes:
YTA. Here is what is going on, probably. Your wife had a really rough time growing up because she developed "early" and probably got teased in school. On top of that, her dad shamed her.
She is trying to make your daughter more comfortable in her skin and not be ashamed of her body. Puberty is really hard and your wife is trying to support and help your daughter. The changes in her body are positive things, not a bad thing.
When you add the narrative that because your daughter has boobs, men will have lascivious thoughts, you are saying that she needs to be ashamed and afraid. This attitude is also the attitude that women get raped when they dress too provocatively. You're not helping her develop a healthy attitude towards her se%uality.
Girls are going into puberty much younger than they did before. Take a good look at her class. Other girls have developed, too.
mimeaccording0 writes:
NAH, just two parents with two different views. I do wonder would people feel tye same way if the roles were reversed, and the mother used her lived experience as a reason why she would not feel comfortable with her daughter wearing a bra that is designed to promote more cleavage. You do not need a pushup bra to get support.
Then, OP offers two lengthy updates.
Update: I spoke with my wife and asked if this was about back pain, and she told me no. She told me that our daughter did not feel cute in a traditional bra, so she got her a pushup bra to help our daughter feel cute.
My daughter is a 34c, she does talk about how she feels out of place in school and feels like she is with little kids. Yes, she is rushing to get older, because she feels older compared to others in her age range.
For those saying I am se%ualizing my daughter, my wife has told me when she is out with her our daughter is often told she is beautiful and should be a model. She once had a younger boy probably around 17 or 18 hit her up.
I understand my daughter does not look 12, especially when her mother lets her wear makeup. I also get she wants to be like her mom.
I tried to express I have no problem when she is older, I tried to offer a compromise that we slowly integrate more adult-looking clothing, and when she is 16 at that point it is mostly out of our control.
Then, OP's second update.
UPDATE PART 2: Unfortunately, it did not go well since it is still an aspect of control. I never intended to police her forever, That said a 12 year old does not need a pushup bra to feel cute, I am not telling her to be ashamed, but am I telling her sadly we live in a world where women are still viewed as nothing but slabs of meat to some.
I tried to explain I wished she did not have to live in a world where this is not a thing, but it is. We can wish all we want, but in common sense, certain actions and attire bring about more attention, and more attention increases one's likelihood of getting the attention of a person that may harm.
I do agree this should not be the case, but it is. In our state, we are making a public service push to remind people to lock their car doors. We have had an uptick in car thefts. A shocking amount of them not only leave their car unlocked but as leave the spare in the car.
Yes, it is within their right but this is not a smart action. Just because we can do something does not always mean we should. My wife and daughter also appear to have this mindset because I am a cop people will not mess with them, and if they do I will swoop in. This is 100% my fault since I do swoop in a lot.
That said going to just let it be, I said my piece to my family. Thanks for the helpful advice and information.
One last piece of advice from OP...
Just one thing as a cop, please please be very careful. Self-defense is good to know, but please do not overestimate your abilities this goes for everyone. Most importantly please do not underestimate how simple things like longer reach, more mass, and a larger body can be a massive hurdle to overcome. Be safe. AITA?