Dad says it's unfair when wife has mom & sis in delivery room but bans MIL from seeing baby for 3 weeks. AITA?
When this dad is upset that his pregnant wife won't allow his mother to see their baby until it's 3 weeks old, he asks Reddit:
"Aitah for telling my wife that if her mom gets to see our baby so does mine?"
So I may be wrong but I don't know. I am 33m and my wife 32f have been together for 5 years and married for 1.
Her and my mother do and don't get along. So my mother is African-American and I am the product of an sa with a white male. So she doesn't really like or trust white people.
My wife doesn't really mind that as she's Hispanic mixed with white. My mom and my wife have a netural relationship, which means if you put them in a room, they will just mainly sit there and kinda ask about each other a little, but they have no common interests.
So my mother has warmed up to her more over the years and even let her use the family ring.
My wife is 8 almost 9 months pregnant and we have been discussing labor and after labor. Her mom and her sister are in the delivery room not me which is fine it's her body she has always said that from the beginning.
So then we talked about after labor she said she only wanted her mom and her sisters to be allowed to visit, I asked what about my mom she said no after 3 weeks.
I asked her why and she was like she wants to make sure my mom doesn't bring anything to our baby, I told her that her mom works around kids she's a teacher and your sister owns a daycare run out of her house, so I don't think your worried about germs.
She just said she didn't want my mom to see the baby I said if it were the delivery room, then fine or even the hospital, I just asked to let her see the baby. She said no so I tried to negotiate that I bring baby over to see my mom she also said no. So yes, there's multiple factors at play. My mother's job, my mom's issues with racism, her relationship to my wife. She's not talking to me at the moment, so aitah?
immediatedivide400 writes:
Assuming you aren’t withholding information about why your mom and wife don’t get along- NTA. Wife is able to dictate who she wants in the delivery room or at the hospital but after that, it should be a mutual decision.
If she wants a three week break from visitors for the sake of your baby’s immune system that is reasonable but should apply to all potential visitors. That’s something you should decide together. You bring up valid concerns that if germs are the issue, her mom and sister have high exposure due to their work.
Is it possible she wants her mom and sister there because she knows they will actually be helping her and baby rather than “visiting”?
It’s not about the germs. There is something deeper going on here from your wives perspective and you should try to calmly discuss what’s going on with her. There maybe more bad blood between your wife and mother than you know. Or your wife maybe experiencing a lot of anxiety, combined with pregnancy hormones. That can be really difficult.
Either way you should talk to her and try to have a rational calm conversation about it. A woman is never more vulnerable than during pregnancy and just after giving birth and that may also be playing a part in her thinking.
statedbarely writes:
NTA - once the baby is out of her body, it’s both your baby so you should have a say in who gets to see your baby as well. You should try to talk to her in a calm way during calm times.
Ask her to explain and really listen to her. Then ask her to listen to you too. I hope you can both get on the same page.
Just really love each other and make each other happy. It’s easy to go through anything if you really care about each other’s happiness.
jsmythoughts writes:
YTA if you support your mother over your wife on this. OP, your wife is still healing, bonding with her baby, and trying to establish her milk flow at this stage. She will be in pain, exhausted and vulnerable.
She needs to feel safe, supported, and able to relax. It sounds like she is not relaxed or supported around your Mom. Your Mom has had years to cultivate a bond with her DIL. She chose not to.
With it she chose not to become part of your wife’s safe space and this is the price of that decision. Your Mom has years to be a grandma. She can meet the baby when your wife is stronger and up to guests she has to walk on eggshells around.
girlnamedkat writes:
All these NTA’s are insane and frankly I disagree, OP IS the AH. His mother has proven she’s racist, has no relationship with OP’s wife, the mother of the child, and actively disrespects and ignores her, and won’t be helpful, and will add stress.
OP’s wife has every right to want to protect herself and her new baby from someone so awful. She has every right to draw firm boundaries and if OP’s mom doesn’t fucking stop being disrespectful to his wife, his wife would have every right to cut off OP’s mom entirely.
Why should she be allowed to have a relationship with a child whose mother she’s disrespectful and racist to? If the races were swapped every f-g person here would side with OP’s wife. It’s gross. OP’s wife didn’t SA OP’s mom, OP’s mom is just a bad person and OP’s wife is entirely in the right.
noonecares0 writes:
Esh. I can see it from your side and hers. So basically she just gave birth. She probably doesn’t look her best, is super tired, she is in pain, and leaking from several places. If she’s going to breast feed she’s probably going to be dealing with that while learning to be a mom.
I’m her place I wouldn’t want visitors either. I would be more comfortable being around my mom topless while getting the breast feeding thing down and asking them for help than I would his mom and his mom and I get along.
I can imagine feeling even more like I didn’t want her there if I had the relationship with his mom than your wife does with yours.
Just because the baby is out of her body doesn’t mean she isn’t still vulnerable. And if she is super shy I would definitely see how she would want privacy.
The kid that she just protected and nurtured with her body for months and painfully birthed, I can see why she would be so over protective of the child, I can also see why she wouldn’t want to be away from the baby even if it’s for a bit specially because if she’s trying to establish a breastfeeding routine.
Maybe there’s a way to compromise? Your mom gets to see the baby a few days after it’s born so your wife can be more together when she’s in the room with your mom. You make sure your mom has all her shots and isn’t sick and try to reassure your wife that she’s not bringing in an illness to the baby.