Me(45M) and my ex Hailey (40F) spilt up amicably because she came out as lesbian. She is now married to Jane (41F) and they have two daughters together, Rose and Mel (14 and 10F.) Me and Hailey also have 50/50 custody of our daughter, Anna (17F.)
Now, to start, every person involved in the story (except possibly me) is an amazing person. I truly love Hailey and her wife and view them as dear friends. The issue, however, involves the amount of money I spend on my daughter Anna.
I am fairly well-off, thanks to working for years on my business and I like to buy my daughter the best of the best. She is also not bratty and doesn’t act “spoiled.” She always shares the stuff that I get her (designer bags, dresses, tech, even her new car) with her step sisters and they have an amazing relationship.
I also make sure to buy equally expensive gifts for all three girls when it comes to special occasions, as a good family friend should. However, my daughter has a much bigger allowance than her step sisters and that obviously shows in the stuff she buys for herself. So far, I had not heard any complaints from anyone.
That is, until Hailey came over the other day to talk and asked me if I can tone down Anna’s allowance a bit. I asked why and she told me Jane’s sister was worried when she found out about the arrangement.
She believe you can’t raise kids in one household with different lifestyles without creating resentment, and while they may have an amazing relationship now, that might change when the two girls get older and start to understand concepts like wealth and class.
However, I think that applies more to situations where one side of the family is starving and the other is fed with a silver spoon, not discrepancies in the amount of Taylor Swift merch owned, especially since Anna always shares.
She also is not allowed to spend her money on traditional family experiences (like Disneyland or trips) without offering it to the girls, too. And frankly, I worked hard for my money and shouldn’t be obligated to consider the impact on another family’s dynamic before spending it. There is also no evidence that their relationship is suffering as a result of money.
But on the other hand, I’m worried Jane's sister might be right and this could be planting seeds of resentment. If that is true, I’d rather my daughter have a better relationship with her sisters than a larger allowance. AITA if I refuse to stop spoiling my daughter? Please be brutally honest.
Big NTA and Jane's sister need to mind her own business. It's up to Hailey and Jane (with your help, which it sounds like you would give willingly) to raise their kids to realise difference in circumstances, wealth, class etc and what is really important.
TBH it sounds like Jane's sister is jealous and is the one who's going to cause resentment amongst the family, so I would tell her to keep her opinion to herself. It's completely up to you how you spend your money.
Yes, I'd point out that there is no resentment that doesn't come from Jane's sister, so the ideal situation is the current one, minus Janes sisters' input.
NTA. It's your money and you can spend it however you want. Should any problems arise It's Jane and Haleys jobs as the parents to explain to their kids why the dynamics work as they do. It wouldn't be fair to basically change the way you treat/spend money on your daughter.
Anna has shown responsibility, class, and compassion with her allowance privileges. She shares with the other sisters and has, from what i can read, stayed humble. Whoever this sister is has no place in speaking upon the relationship you and your daughter have when it comes to money. Jane's kids are not your first priority. Anna is. The sister herself is projecting her insecurities onto the situation.
You STILL spoil Jane's daughters for special occasions. The fact that you do that is amazing. You are still including everyone. So does Anna. I say keep doing what you're doing.
Last but not least, if anyone harbors resentment towards someone else for what they have, especially when their family has worked their whole lives for that sort of privilege, that is their problem. That's hard earned money. Your hard earned money.
NTA. Jane's sister sounds like a busybody who goes around solving imaginary problems. Also Reddit demands footage of Mel driving Anna's car since "She always shares the stuff that I get her (designer bags, dresses,tech, even her new car) with her step sisters."
NTA - Jane's sister, however, needs to stick her nose in someone else's business, preferably her own. If the girls don't have a problem with Anna's allowance now, they probably won't in the future.
Add in, Anna will probably be going off to university soon, and then living on her own. None of the kids' standard of living is impacted by Anna having a larger allowance than her step-siblings, so honestly, I wouldn't worry about it.