When this father doesn't know what to do about his daughters, he asks Reddit:
Me (M59) and My wife (53) have two daughters let’s call them Rose (F27) and Lily (F24) who both earn roughly same amount of money (quite a lot for their ages). Rose has a two year old and husband who earns a fair bit less than her and Lily has a boyfriend who earns a bit more than her.
They both inherited a big chunk of money from my mother, enough for a 10%-15% deposit on a house they could realistically buy.
Rose has always lived beyond her means and certainly her husbands. They’ve alluded to using some of their house savings when their daughter (poppy) was born despite my wife looking after Poppy full time whilst my daughter worked. Her husband has recently confessed he hasn’t saved a penny in the almost ten years they’ve been together.
On the other hand Lily and her boyfriend have almost doubled the original amount saved and never seem to have any issues with money whilst we constantly seem to be helping out Rose.
Both girls are looking at buying houses, Lily and her boyfriend have been approved for a lovely house with a 25% deposit.
Rose also had an offer accepted but as it turned out due to commuting costs and childcare from moving away adding up to almost the cost of another mortgage they will only be able to get a mortgage for roughly half they thought and only have 5%.
Rose told Lily this and asked how on earth shed been accepted on a bigger house as a younger couple, Lily was honest and told her how much she made as couple and how much they were putting down and Rose broke downa little. She asked how much we had given Lily and we told her nothing extra.
That night my wife and I were talking and she said she’d didn’t realise how badly rose was financially and how well Lily is doing. We’d paid for roses wedding and planned to do so for Lily too but so far she’s insisted she doesn’t want/need it.
I want to keep them money so we can still offer it when the time comes even if Lily still won’t accept but my wife wants to give the money to rose as shes says having a child makes it a lot harder for Rose and she doesn’t want the money to go waste when hour only grandchild doesn’t have a home. AITA?
NTA. Taking the money earmarked for Lily's wedding and giving it to Rose is literally "throwing the good money after the bad." The difference between the two sisters is not how much they earned but how well they manage what they have.
Lily and her partner are financially savvy and responsible, and Rose and her husband are not. No matter how much money you give Rose, it will go to waste. Having a child your wife's been watching for free = no childcare expenses, so "ahh, having a child is harder" is just an excuse your wife has made up to guilt you.
The child is also not homeless; they have a roof over their heads. You would not be the first set of parents who enable the less competent child at the expense of the more competent one, and this inequality and favoritism rarely if ever does any favors to the parents' relationship with the more capable (but less favored) child or the relationship between the siblings.
Favoring the child who has a child of their own over the child who doesn't (at least not yet), same. What's fair is fair. Unfair doesn't become okay just because Rose spends all the money she gets her hands on.
NTA: But you even if Lily turns down the money you aren't doing Rose any favors. This isnt the case of someone losing their job and struggling, or someone getting in debt after an injury or illness.
This is someone who lived outside of the means and never saved a dime in a decade. I wouldn't be surprised if you continue having to bail her out if she doesn't learn how to be fiscally responsible adult.
NTA - if Lily turns down the wedding money save it for your future grandchildren, Do NOT give any more money to Rose. If she has already blown through her inheritance she needs to learn how to live within her means.